Honey Amber Shoal

You're my little angel
Fly away, be free
You don't need me right now
You can go away for a little while
It's part of growing up


I'll miss you so much, but that's okay
I'll sing to you every day
And you can sing too


The sun looks so pretty for us
Let it burn bright orange
You're gone
So I'll sing another song

Gone down to the warm, amber shoals
Throw the lilacs in the air
Perfume touches the water
Hazel eyes in the day
Bright painful eyes


Walk in the tide
But the memories aren't washed away


I'm thinking of you and you make me want
to write a song so beautiful
But I can't find the words

I want the world to know our love
You're my little angel
Kiss me gently always I know
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you right here
Be with me for a little while
It's part of being in love
I missed you so much when you were away

I honestly didn't enjoy this piece much, but it's only because it's not my favorite style of writing, not because it's a horrible piece!

Overall, it was solid at the beginning of the stanzas, but got weaker and trailed off towards the end; tighten those up and they'll be solid!

Hello there! And welcome to YWS!
Hmm, this was a very interesting piece. At some points it felt as if the narrator was speaking to their child and at other times their love. Try to nail down the emotions you want to capture. It helps make the message clearer. Some of the thoughts were specific, so the meaning wasn't able to be ambiguous, making it confusing to know which one you meant. I thought this was really nice other than that. I like the title too.
-Alyssa

Hi. Welcome to YWS! This flows nicely, and you have some great imagery. My favourite lines are;
"Let it burn bright orange"
and
"Throw the lilacs in the air."

I'd add punctuation. I'll show you my suggestion, and if you don't like that a good thing to do is to read your poem aloud and add a full-stop or comma where you need to take a breath.

"You're my little angel.

Fly away, be free,

You don't need me right now

You can go away for a little while;

It's part of growing up.





I'll miss you so much, but that's okay.

I'll sing to you every day

And you can sing too.





The sun looks so pretty for us-

Let it burn bright orange.

You're gone

So I'll sing another song.



Gone down to the warm, amber shoals

Throw the lilacs in the air

Perfume touches the water-

Hazel eyes in the day,

Bright painful eyes.





Walk in the tide

(But the memories aren't washed away).





I'm thinking of you and you make me want

to write a song so beautiful

But I can't find the words.



I want the world to know our love.

You're my little angel.

Kiss me gently always I know

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.



I need you right here.

Be with me for a little while-

It's part of being in love.

I missed you so much when you were away."

I'd try "as beautiful" instead of "so beautiful", as it sounds more natural.

You have some great lines here but they're being dragged down by the weaker ones. I'd suggest getting a pen and crossing out every line that sounds like something you've heard somewhere before, e.g;
"Fly away, be free"

and
"I need you right here."
Then replace them with lines specific to the person or character about whom you are writing; show, don't tell.Imagery seems to be one of your greatest strengths, so maybe try playing to that.

I hope this helps. Feel free to P.M me if you have any questions.

Jas

I agree with the person saying it switched between child and lover... It's a little ambiguous... Leading to it being... More than slightly creepy in some aspects.

Now you overdid the imagery a touch. Most of it has so symbolic relevance it's just 'I think I'll throw some pretty in'. Which is nice, but you sliiightly overdid it. I could picture this lazy sunset beach really well though, to your credit.

The bright painful eyes line sticks out as being a little too harsh and hard compared to the rest of the poem and shatters that lovely dreamy mood you had going, which is a shame. Also, it repeats 'eyes' which doesn't work very nicely I'm afraid.

Well, it was a poem, then it randomly decided to be a song, and, it didn't work. The 'Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh' actually annoyed me slightly, sorry.

I can't say I particularly enjoyed it either, but as said, it;s not horrible, just not my cup of coffee, to speak. Hope I helped!