The Two of us

First we walked,
Then we talked,
We were mocked,
But honestly,
Those times rocked

Hi there, and welcome to YWS, darling!

Now, even though this is pretty short, I like it. It's nice and sweet. But I feel like you could write more with this. It leaves a wide opening that you could fill in really nicely. That way, there could be more to the poem.

Here's one suggestion:

We were mocked,
But honestly,
Those times rocked

To me, it seems like there needs to be a space of some sort before but honestly. Like, formatting it to look like this:

We were mocked,


...but honestly?
Those times rocked.


I think it would look better that way, darling. Just a suggestion though.

Like I said, it's short and sweet. Keep writing more, dear!

*Lin

Honestly, dear? There isn't much to say here. It's a little on the short side, but it's a good concept. I think the ability to convey profound messages in short packages is a very valuable skill. However, I think this feels way too forced. There's no life to it. It's quite obvious you chose the words only because they rhymed, and that makes it suffocate. You have an idea and a fairly beautiful medium; you just have to remember that poetry doesn't have to rhyme, and in this format, it's often better if it doesn't rhyme.

I think you need to rework this to not be so forced. Just let the emotion come, make it a metaphor, whatever you want to do. This is just too forced to breathe, and its lifelessness really detracts from its potential.

So. Try not to force it, okay? ^_^

Peace, love, and prosperity.
Teague
x

Thanks for the comments guys. I am technically not new, but this is my first post. I will definitely try to add more but, I am a haiku and short poem writer by nature. I'll try to post more in the line of length but I would need quite a few points to rewrite my historical poetry. I did one on Martin Luther King. I've written about the first North Pole expeditionaries. Even some haikus on a dragon who guards a small Japanese village. Sorry, to bog this one post with so much but you pinched the one nerve in my emotional body. Also, I meant for the poem to be full of heresy in 30 words or less. Just because I like to mess with ya' minds. Muhahahahahahahahahahahah- *Cough* *Cough*. Anyways, thank you for the reviews. Tell everyone you have ever met to review all of my work. Once again for emphasis: Thank You!!!

Sorry to . Got to say one last thing. I didn't mean for this to rhyme at first. This is the exact chronological order to me being turned down by a who I am now good friends with . I can't do forced writing without my head exploding . Honestly, this is the most difficult clean-up from any work because brain juice stains t-shirts for ever.

Hi there. Welcome to YWS.
I'm not really used to seeing such short poems, so this kind of shocked me. I was sort of waiting for the rest to jump out somewhere, but then it finally hit me that this is it. It's not a bad thing; just unusual. The ability to convey meaning in such a short amount of words is a good talent. Kudos for that, dear (in case you haven't noticed, it's a YWS fetish of ours to call everyone dear or darling, et cetera).
But! You don't really give us enough information! Who is this person? How did your relationship progress? Why had "those times rocked"? You leave this huge information gap. If the reader doesn't have enough information, they can't connect. If they can't connect, they won't care enough about your poem.
Like Teague said, the rhyming seems incredibly forced. There's a good rhythm (except in the "but honestly" part; that throws it off at the end), but rhyme and rhythm are not what make a poem. It's the language and the words. They have to paint a picture for the reader and speak to that place inside of them that can only be spoken to by a good poem.
Hmm... Also, don't list. "First, then..." That also adds to the forced quality of your poem. It has to come naturally; show how walking led to talking, and so on. You don't want to tell us, you want to show us.
Overall, this has potential. Keep writing.

i really like this poem
it is short and fast moving... the pace makes it very effective as it gets out everything you want to say very quickly and still allows the reader to understand it.
well done
keep writing!!

-soul destroyer

Thank you for the positive criticism. I plan to write more on the topic. Hopefully by the end I will have made the story as clear as possible without revealing so much that this person winds up realizing that it is about them. Like I said, I'm the heretic, but maybe you will remember me as a revolutionary. I'll write a.s.a.p. Thanks again.