Inverness

I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love
Rain is fallin’ down
I see he's still around
When will he leave?
My heart wants to grieve
If you watch him go
Will you still say no
In this world,
There is only the loved and the lost
I cant take these waves,
Of emotion crashing on my soul

You're with another man
I won't interfere
But I'll look after you
The day he walks away
Will be just another day
Its impossible for you to want me
You will never walk my way
Its pathetic for me sitting around and waiting for you
Sitting here waiting for you to call



Maybe I’ll fall into the ocean, and
Take my empty heart to the bottom,
Until it can’t breathe





I knew he was right
You won’t be in Inverness tonight

Hiya! Please keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times...

I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love

I really think that the repetition is unnecessary. You can make that just one "I'm in love" and then add an exclamation point for more emphasis!

Rain is fallin’ down

No offense, but, seriously, why do "fallin'"? I mean, is it really so much trouble to hit the "g" button? Not to mention, rain isn't "fallin'" from the sky. It is gently "falling". I think by saying fallin', you take away some of the beauty from the vision you try to create with rain falling. I would just toss falling altogether. Try something more... spicy, original. How about changing the whole line? I know it is a big thing to do, but I see potential for this line, and wouldn't want it to go to waste. How about...
"Tears fall from the above cloud"
If you don;t like it, no problem, but at least try to think of a different word other than "falling". And even if you don't do that, change "fallin'" to "falling".

If you watch him go
Will you still say no

I don't get this part at all really. For future references, please try to elaborate on your meaning. Incorporate your message and purpose for this line into the lines themselves. Please. Also, these lines don't seem extremely important to the poem, so I might consider getting rid of them.

Also, I just want to add in right now, that I see commas in this poem but no periods. That doesn't really make sense because where there are commas, there are periods sometime after. Even at the end of a stanza, I see no period. Please add them in when you feel there should be a break. Commas are for a pause and periods are for the end of a thought. I see many ends, but no periods in their spot.

I knew he was right
You won’t be in Inverness tonight

Really, this makes absolutely no sense to the readers. Make sure you evaluate on what you mean; incorporate the meaning, please.


OK, the whole poem doesn't seem to have any particular rhythm. I also think the rhyme messes it up a bit, making it sound less serious and more childish. This seems like it should really be a serious poem due to the topic chosen. When rhymed and portrayed correctly, it can still have an amazing blow to us readers, and still stay all the serious with the rhyme, but in this case, that wasn't happening. So! The rhyming wasn't necessary.
Also, the structure and rhythm of the poem was off. The stanzas were clearly uneven, and when you have a poem that rhymes, I doubt that that is good to do. You weren't consistent with the length of the lines, either. They were varied, which, is good to do, but! I think you varied them a little too much, if you know what I mean. Like in the beginning and end; the beginning had a lot of lines and syllables, yet the end had an epically shorter amount. So! Try to stay moderately consistent .
Make sure we know what you mean. In certain areas, you didn't bother to clarify your meaning, and this happened more than once.

So! A good poem. Moderate. I have a feeling it could have been loads better. You just have to spend the time and effort cleaning it up, revising, making it the absolute best it can be. YWS is here to help!

If you need anything just feel free to PM me!

Write on.

~April

peanutgallery007 wrote:

I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love

I really think that the repetition is unnecessary. You can make that just one "I'm in love" and then add an exclamation point for more emphasis!

I knew he was right
You won’t be in Inverness tonight

Really, this makes absolutely no sense to the readers. Make sure you evaluate on what you mean; incorporate the meaning, please.

(I'm in love!)
an exclamation point would absolutely alter the feeling i was conveying when writing this.
i wrote it when i was down about a boy because he was with someone else.

i think you should read the poem a second time, because the final lines make a whole lot of sense. i wasn't trying to confuse anyone or encode things in my writing.


"I knew he was right
You won't be in Inverness tonight"

i should probably change the first line to " I knew he would be right"
but those two lines together make absolute sense in my opinion.
i let other writers outside of this website read Inverness. and they understand.
just read the whole thing a second time and try to see it as a whole


i think i will go back to this, because it means something to me. i'll try and incorporate more into it, but hopefully it won't draw the whole thing out too much. i dont want it to drag
it was meant to be a reflection