Clutched||| Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE


“…And congratulations to the class of 08!”

I thrust my hat into the air, just as everyone else did. I faked a laugh and a cheer, when everyone else laughed and cheered.

Last day of high school. Last day of school, period. I had no plans for college; no plans what so ever. I’d barely graduated.

I searched the gigantic crowd until I found my foster-brother, Mike, and his parent’s, my current foster parent’s, Craig and Jewel Jamison. They have very lame names.

My mother died giving birth to me, the doctors told me I somehow cut off her oxygen or something. Whatever, I killed my own mom. My father killed himself, or at least that’s what the police think. He disappeared one night when I was only a couple weeks old, leaving behind everything; including a suicide note. Both of my parent’s parents are dead, and as far as I know, they were both only children. So I’ve lived with some very strange families, which change every few years or so. Though, now that I’m eighteen, I don’t have to live with anyone any more. I almost roll my eyes at myself, except people are watching me and I don’t want to seem like a jerk.

I don’t even have a job, how am I going to get a place of my own?

“Dree! Come on!” Jewel yells at me. I’m going to be late for Mike’s Graduation Party. I squint at her, grab my hat, and then follow them to their SUV. Once in the protection of the car, I slip out of my bright purple graduation robe. I straighten my salmon V-neck shirt and wipe off my black pin-stripped pants. Running my fingers through my long, wavy, stringy, white-blonde hair, I pull out my compact mirror and fix my make up. Just because this party isn’t for me, doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. I notice my eyes are straight gray. They usually tend to be blue, or green. Hmmm…

Mike sees what I’m doing, and rolls his eyes.

”You’re obsessive, I’ve never seen any one who cares about their looks more then you. You’re actually quite hot, with make-up or with out. I’m diggin’ the shirt on you by the way,” he says.

”Ew, shut up Mike. I should get a restraining order against you. Isn’t illegal to hit on someone who lives in your household as a sorta-sibling?” I shudder, my foster brother has a crush on me, he’s harrassed me since I moved in with his family. Creepy, isn’t it?

“We’re not technically related, my parents just have legal rights over you. No law against you and me, babe.”

I scooted farther away from him on the seat, and rest my head against the window until we got back to the Jamison’s residence.

Hello Evangelinne.

First, you need to stay at a 2:1 ratio, meaning you need to post two reviews before you post something of your own.

M'kay, now that we have that out of the way... let's move on.

Nitpicks fist, then I'll tell you the overall.

“…And congratulations to the class of [apostrophe] 08!”

I know it's usually some really long, boring speech and I know you're trying to shorten it and everything, but this is boring. No real oomph to it. Add more to it, like, "The announcer finally said (or whoever is saying it)" Add a little detail. You want to start with something that catches the reader's attention or else you're lost.

I faked a laugh and a cheer, when everyone else laughed and cheered.

First of all, no comma. Second of all, this is also kind of boring. Everyone laughs and cheers at a graduation. Big surprise, right. Reword it so it has a little more something to it. (I know, not much help, but I'm not exactly sure what image you're going for here.)

I’d barely graduated.

Yeah, okay, I don't care that they barely graduated. I'm not interested. Put in details of their struggle through highschool. If the MC hated it so much, why did they stay in highschool and not drop out (just an example or whatnot). Was it because of their parents? Religion? Friends? Much more interesting if you put more of their struggle in there. And don't say: "I flunked two classes and got three D's and two C's."

I searched the gigantic crowd until I found my foster-brother, Mike, and his parent’s, my current foster parent’s, Craig and Jewel Jamison. They have very lame names.

I wandered through the gigantic crowd full of giddy graduates and all too happy parents, proud that their little boys and girls were all grown up. Soon, I found my foster brother, Mike, along with his parents who had a huge smile plastered on their faces. Somebody tapped on my shoulder. It was my foster parent's, Craig and Jewel Jamison.
That's an example of how to spice up a paragraph. It could be a little better, but it's decent.

And, I would just wipe out the sentence "They have very lame names." Because it doesn't go with the whole theme of the paragraph.

My mother died giving birth to me, the doctors told me I somehow cut off her oxygen or something.

Uh... I'm not sure if this is possible, but 'or something' seems weird. I don't think you should put all the guilt on the MC. Put in there somewhere, maybe, that the doctors said it was an accident... and explain what happened.

Don't know what to put because your not knowledge in that area? Google it! Yay, research! Writing isn't just a write-and-go type of thing. Especially when you want to write about something you don't know. You have to research things, so people don't accuse you of things, and so you can save yourself the embarrassment.

My mother died giving birth to me, the doctors told me I somehow cut off her oxygen or something. Whatever, I killed my own mom. My father killed himself, or at least that’s what the police think. He disappeared one night when I was only a couple weeks old, leaving behind everything; including a suicide note. Both of my parent’s parents are dead, and as far as I know, they were both only children. So I’ve lived with some very strange families, which change every few years or so. Though, now that I’m eighteen, I don’t have to live with anyone any more. I almost roll my eyes at myself, except people are watching me and I don’t want to seem like a jerk.

This is kind of an info dump. Kind of. Separate it and add detail!!!! Ugh, I know. The horror.

Overall;
This was really really short. The shorter the piece, the harder it is to critique.
Okay, so you need more detail. A lot more detail. Sure, you put some detail here:

“Dree! Come on!” Jewel yells at me. I’m going to be late for Mike’s Graduation Party. I squint at her, grab my hat, and then follow them to their SUV. Once in the protection of the car, I slip out of my bright purple graduation robe. I straighten my salmon V-neck shirt and wipe off my black pin-stripped pants. Running my fingers through my long, wavy, stringy, white-blonde hair, I pull out my compact mirror and fix my make up. Just because this party isn’t for me, doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. I notice my eyes are straight gray. They usually tend to be blue, or green. Hmmm…

But you didn't really put a lot of detail. I don't mean over do it on the detail, just add more. What was the color of the SUV? What do the foster parents look like?

I'm also not sure about your character. Is really, really short, so I really can't help you much there. Can't tell much of their personalities. From what I can tell she sounds like a person who doesn't care or who's depressed? Or maybe just wants to do well, just struggles?

Sorry if I sounded kind of mean in some parts. Just trying to help!

Becca

It's good...pretty short, but still good.
I like hoe the beginning started off, but then as it went along you started becoming a little [i]too[i/] descriptive.
Instead of describing every single little thing, like "wavy, stringy, blonde hair" [that's way too many adjectives for me], leave some of it up to the reader's imagination.
Other than that it was a pretty good start.
Keep it up.

Hey there Newbie, call Thief or ST your evil (but friendly) neighbor.

First off, you've got to admit, this was very short and I would like to add that I hope you update this at some point.

Another thing is that you don't have enough detail to the point where the reader can't picture the story in their mind. Also, readers can't exactly understand whether or not if the reader is male or female in the beginning. We just aren't getting enough background info on the person in perspective.

Although it this has a good idea and great potential, it definitely needs to be edited and expanded before reviews start reeling in.

If you need more help, PM me!

ST