You

So, I had an epiphany last night while reading a literary criticism of Ray Bradbury (although this isn't about him), and was able to write what I feel is a decent poem. I've never been good at poetry, so hopefully this is well received.

"You"

When I look at you
Your face
Your body
Your Beauty
My heart is torn out by your hurricane.
When I think of you
My mind wanders lush forests
In search of Greek goddesses.
And, for a moment
I'm the universe.
I'm the pulsing and throbbing.
I'm the flowing
The stuttering, the stopping.
I'm the spinning, the revolving, the rotating;
The ebbing, the crashing
The flying, the flapping
I'm the birthing, the walking, the running,
The tripping, the stumbling;
The thinking, the fantastical imagining, the processing.
I'm the Good.
I'm the Bad.
I'm the Ugly.
I'm the blowing, the gushing,
The sparking, the rolling, the moving.
I'm the floating, the rising,
The falling, the sinking.
And then
You're gone
And then
I'm me.
I'm him.
I'm them.
I'm nothing.
I'm your nothing.

Like I said, I'm not that good at poetry, so any criticism with anything would be much appreciated.

Hey TheThing,

That was a nice poem. I felt it summed up your feelings quite well, although it didn't quite make me as a reader feel it too, which is quite necessary for a poem to have its full effect. Also, try to keep your lines and stanzas even by giving each the same amount of syllables. This helps with the flow of the poem and entrances the reader a little more. A poem doesn't have to rhyme, and my favourites are those that don't, but try and keep things at an even level.

Overall though, I enjoyed what I read. You have some skill as a poem yet. Don't give up on it yet.

Two minor nitpicks though:

One:
"My mind wonders lush forests". Is "wonders" meant to be "wanders"? If it's not, then apologies, but if it is try and keep an eye on little errors like this in all forms of writing, as one letter difference in a word can give a whole different meaning and understanding.

Two:
Punctuation. Where is it? You have some commas scattered throughout it, but for a reader to feel the poems complete feelings and effects, periods, colons, semi-colons and commas need to be strategically and correctly placed at the end of [most] lines. Keep an eye out for that in other peoples poems and learn well.

I hope this has been of some help for you, and I haven't come across too harshly. Keep it up!

Stoney:

Thank you for your help. I'm still new at poetry, and really don't see myself sitting down and writing something again. But I didn't see myself writing this, so you never know. I just don't want to have another epiphany and end up with a sloppy poem.

I've just edited it, so that "wonders" is now the correct "wanders", and I've thrown in some more line breaks and punctuation.

*Random Side Note: Awesome name/photo. Loved that movie, though some parts made me queasy.

Ahem, getting to the actual review. For someone who claims not to be good at poetry, this was good. I have to agree with Stoney though, and that how you're more just saying how you feel instead of showing us how you feel. Because even though almost everyone knows what it's like to be in love, you need to show us how it feels for you. Pretend we're an alien race who can't love, and that you've been put in charge of showing us. ...That was random, but maybe it'll help.

Also, not to nag, but I think you still need to have more punctuation. Most of the lines should have a comma at the end. Just go through it in your head, and where ever you pause, add a comma. if you don't pause, well, I don't know.

Another thing I noticed was that you would randomly capitalize some words. I know that most of the time you capitalized for effect, and that it was part of the poem, but in some spots the word would just be capitalized. Like in the beginning, I would either capitalize them all, or decapitalize (is that a word?) them all. Also, at some point, the word "the" was randomly capitalized, and I think it was just a typo, because I didn't see why it needed to be.

Anyway, sorry to rant and go off topic a bunch of times. But seriously, this was good. I really liked it, and can relate. And have confidence, this was a good poem!

*Another Random Side Note: Bradbury is awesome, too!

ok for someone who doesnt write poetry you have done a hell of a job my friend!!!!!
i mean seriously!!!!!
its amazing!!!! you should totally write poetry more often
i would love to see more of what you can do!!!!!!
i think this poem expresses alot of your feelings perfectly and in ways is seductively criptic about other feelings.
overall it is an amazing piece!!!!!
keep writing please!!!
(if u wanna reply to me send me a PM please)

-soul destroyer

TheThing wrote:My heart is torn out by your hurricane.
When I think of you
My mind wanders lush forests
In search of Greek goddesses.
And, for a moment
I'm the universe.
I'm the pulsing and throbbing.
I'm the flowing
The stuttering, the stopping.
I'm the spinning, the revolving, the rotating;

Pshh, and you say you dont write poetry? that was excellent. these were my favorite lines, i like how you put yourself into a poem called you, its a bit ironic. haha but i like it. i also think the use of the words godesses and hurricane, was amazing. this peice of work, was unbeliveable. i really enjoyed it!

p.s. dont change a thing!!<3