Mirror

Mirorr

The poison apple
With a small bite in its crisp flesh,
Beckons and entices
With a spotless crimson lust
A passion that,
As red; as pure as it may be,
Is smeared with dirty lies
And grotesque longing.
Illusions sleep at the feet
Of the flimsy dress’ hem; when lifted –
Reveals the moist, sweet and subtle flesh
Of pink and porcelain skin
With seven loves,
And the tender kiss of a Prince,
At the end, everything will be made known
Within the delicate countenance of white

Mirror, oh, Mirror
Reflect my grotesque mind...
Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Who’s the fairest of them all?

A soft, unsatisfied, cherry-tinted mouth
And lips dragged down by a pout
Burns affection into an unfortunate victim,
Of an enslaving, selfish desire
Iron boots in polished leather
Continue to dance away;
Soon everything else will be
Tainted and burnt to black

Mirror, dear mirror
Reflect my withering heart
Mirror, Oh, mirror
Why won’t you just shatter away?

Dire vanity and insatiable craving
Is suffered inside this defiled soul
In your silvery glow,
I bask within a deadly sin

Mirror, oh, mirror
Reflect my twisted mind...

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Who is the fairest of them all?

It's always a good idea to spell the title correctly

I believe you meant "Mirror"

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Because the French title has no tie in to the content of the poem, it appeared to be a typo. If there is an actual reason for having the title in French then it would make sense, but after reading the poem, it doesn't appear so.

Perhaps I am missing where it ties in? I see that the word "mirror" is used throughout the poem, but why put it in French for the title?

Just curious ^.^

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Hi! I'm here to give you a quick review.

First off, I question the use of a different language as the title when it isn't relevant to the poem. If it's only there to add a small aesthetic to the work, then usually it's got no purpose at all. Consider tying the poem into the title's language, if you absolutely must use it.

This whole poem seems to use somewhat cliche images in an unremarkable way. You give us no reason to care about the happenings in the work. What's more, there appears to be no flow in this poem. It plods along at a rather clunky pace. If it flowed harmoniously, bouncing from one word to the next almost unconsciously, then all the other flaws could be excused. But since this poem cranks and clinks along, they glare out like sore thumbs.

Consider hunting down Suzanne or springrain. Both are members of YWS that are much more experienced in poetry than I am. They can help you improve this poem.

This has so much potential. You just need to do some major reworking with it. Good luck.

-Conrad Rice

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Or! Or!

You can do something more awesome!

I mean, yeah, that's true, the French doesn't really have to do with anything in the title... but the poem isn't spectacular anyway (no offense, I love you!) so why not take this chance and do some fun experimenting?

I am of course referring to this video:

Disney... in French!

PLUS! Add that to the fact that Snow White was originally a French character (See??? ) and you can pretty much do whatever you want, as long as you're creative and original. ^_^

SO! Ideas!

Change the "mirror, mirror on the wall" stuff into French. Awesome? I think so! And it might just be the twist that makes this a really cool piece.

Also! By calling her heart and whatever "twisted" and "grotesque" you're sort of not following the traditions, plus there seems no sense of self-hatred to those lines, which is a bit odd... they seem largely detached. So instead of describing apples and the story over again, delve deeper into the emotion!

LOL. It's kind of funny... my critique of your story was to get away from the emotion and get more into the story... this is the exact opposite! XD But really, you want to give us an original picture that startles and amazes us... which means you got to be willing to get all creative and crazy. It's awesome, trust me. ^_^

Also! I realize that a lot of members are older than you are, and it can be kind of intimidating and whatever. But just because we're older doesn't mean we're right. In fact, you may look at my critiques and think, "Wow, she's totally full of it." And you would probably be right! Finally, you're the writer, so you get to make the calls. A title in French? Bizarre... but not terrible! So just remember. You're the writer. We only exist to give you wild and crazy ideas. And, of course, the grammar fix-ups. But you guessed that already.

Oh my gosh! I have an unfinished poem entitled Mirror too! :[ Of course, it has a flair of vanity, although it's mostly about a girl who seemingly finds a man who reminds her of herself and develops sudden uncertain feelings! Oh well! I'll think of some other title...

Anyway, I really like your poem. I kind of identify with it. My fave lines would have to be:

Dire vanity and insatiable craving

Is suffered inside this defiled soul

In your silvery glow,

I bask within a deadly sin

* I think you just have to work on punctuations and capitalization! I have the same problem and it took some time till I got used to doing it right.

OK
all of the reviews that i just read are pretty dire
and frankly i dont agree with them

to start with when i read the title: i thought wow french title, different, and interesting.
and the fact is it indeed gives the poem a gothic feel to it.
second: i love your imagery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it makes the poem more interesting and deep.
the amazing word choice makes readers feel as if they are there experiencing this amazing feeling!!!
i also disagree to the part where there is no flow to the poem... i believe that this poem flows very well in a way that you are on the edge of your seat while reading it dying to know what will happen next....
i could go on and on for ages about how good it is but im gonna stop now
but overall it is very well written and you should be very proud to be such a good poet.

- Soul Destroyer

Ha ha, I am also a fan of inserting irrelevant french into poetry. It just looks so sophisticated, you know?

Anyway, you have some good imagery here but for the most part I found this poem to be pretty clichéd and predictable. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh- this wasn't a bad poem, it's just that it didn't stand out. It was well-written enough, but the theme is pretty frequently used so in order for it to be powerful it would need some kind of twist.

The second stanza is paradoxical- "pure as it may be" and then "smeared with dirty lies." Can something be simultaneously pure and tainted?

I did enjoy your use of anaphora.

Keep writing!

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hey to hell with people downing your work!!!
What you have to do is take any criticism with a pinch of salt because really it doesn't matter what other people think, it's what you yourself thinks and how writing makes you feel. If you enjoy it don't think its bad just because they might say it is!!!!
OMG sorry i just had a huge big rant without noticing till now... oops.... sorry again. and your work is awesome - keep writing!

Soul_Destroyer x

Hey! I really like this. I think your imagery and description is very good and vivid. I think you mean "continue" though, because "iron boots" is plural. I don't really have any other complaints. I don't aprticularly like the subject matter, not really being into Snow White and all, but I can't fault the flow, the rhyming or the language you've used. Nicely done.

@Soul - Wow, you've reviewed me twice... I love you. This is a really old post, so I was surprised to see people reviewing this... Anyway, thank you. Actually, I don't like this piece myself, after seeing it again... it's too clunky. Conrad's right. I'm really glad someone likes this that much, though... you deserve a hug!

@Matt - Thanks, but yes, blame the flow. After rereading this, I got a bit dizzy. But 'tis all okay. I agree the imagery is a bit out of the common, but further than that, it's a bit cliche when it comes to the "mirror, mirror on the wall" part. I understand that now, and if ever I get more free time, I'll edit the crap out of this. XD


So there. Thanks, dudes! You rock.