Forgotten Element

Okay, so the first thing I have to say is, keep up with your 2:1 ratio. Two reviews for everyone story post you put up. Its a nice thing to do and keeps people reviewing. Also, when you review others works, they review yours more, so lets keep that up.

Other then that, Hey it's dreamwalker here with a review ^_^. As all of my review I always start out with my critique then I go into Plot, Grammer and Punctuation, Character developement, Setting and description, and Overall.

Okay so first my critique.

Critique

A wall of flame met him on the other side and beat him back into the now smoke-filled room.

This doesnt feel quite realistic. Having a wall of fire when the fire alarm just went off? Fire alarms are pesky and sometimes go off when your just cooking. It would have went off long ago.

No, a 3 storey drop would greet him there, but he couldn’t stay here..

Any number under a hundred should be spelled out like three in literature. Also, if you're going to use the ...'s, use all three.

A small business card reading:

You have been serviced by:
Eden Garden Service
32 Evergreen Crescent
London

The quoting here looks a little silly on YWS. try just using italics and such things in this area. It will do the trick.

Grammer and punctuation

Other then the ...'s being screwed up and the three being typed as 3, this was marvellously written. Short but good and very wordy. Beautifully written I would put it. Your word flow is nice and your punctuation is wonderful too but of course we havent gotten into much dialogue yet which is where most people have the most trouble with.

Character Development

From what I got about your character, he seems to be both unobservant and reactive like he is very smart but when he knows whats going on. You have only one character added so far so I'm not expecting too much in this catagory. So far though, good and keep it up.

Plot

This feels very, very rushed like your too excited to get into the story. Give us an intro, something to really sympathize with the character about. Jumping into a plotline like that isnt to smart especially when you dont establish a setting or your character yet. It's an interesting scene yes, but from what I can tell, I dont even know the characters name and already his house has burnt to a crisp. In fact, the gender wasnt even specified although I'm so far guessing it is male. Basically speaking, right more of the beginning, give us an insight into you character before you throw him into all that turmoil. That way we can grasp the underlying emotions of your charcaters and really sympathize with the situation.

Setting and description

Normally I put these two catagories together because they are normally fairly intertwined but in this case your description was phenominal but your setting description was fairly bland and so, so. We didnt get much on the house or even his room. Like was his room messy? Were there posters littering the walls? Anything of that nature? Basically thats one thing I will be looking forward to in later chapters is some description .

Overall

I thought the wording was wonderful and you definitly have a passion when you write. One that people work their whole lives to get and yet they never achieve. It was interesting and quick-paced and definitly held a lot of credit in writing. I enjoyed it and quite frankly it was very very well written.

Things that would help you out in the end though would be to add more setting description and to sloww it down. Let us sympathize with you protagonist and basically really enjoy the book. Give us some time.

Other then that, it has great potential and keep it up

From Dreams to reality
~The.Dreamwalker

:O
Dreamwalk was here! Oh no! I will have nothing to critique! Oh well.
Hey there!
I am Incognito, and I just happened to stumble on this story and I believe it has caught my interest.
Let us begin!

I. Nit-Picking

This doesn't relate to the actual story but:

Thanks for reading guys, I know I haven't reviewed anyone’s yet but I promise I will tomorrow!

Just to let you know, reviewing two peoples works before posting your own is actually an advantage. When someone reviews anothers work, then that other person will feel compelled to review that someone.
It actually works to your advantage.

When is the weather like this in Britain?

The reason why I am commenting on this was because it seems a little stiff and the question needs a couple additional words, maybe even a bit of rephrasing. Might I suggest changing it to resemble something like this;

'What was the weather ever like this in Britiain?'

All I had to do was add to words and already the question makes a bit more sense.
Not that it didn't make sense before, it just makes more sense now.

After a few minutes of quiet contemplation Ryan suddenly

There should be a comma after 'comtemplation'.

smelled some strong aroma, not native to his bedroom environment.

You don't need the comma. xD

He rushed over to the door, hurdling the bed.

I think you should switch the order of these. The reason for that is because when I read 'He rushed over to the door' I automatically assume that he made it after I read that sentence. I would change it to resemble something like this;

'He hurdled over the bed, and rushed to the door.'

Mmhmm.

A wall of flame met him on the other side and beat him back into the now smoke-filled room.

I have to agree with my beloved sister on this one. Those fire alarms are incredibly pesty. You know, I prefer to just leave the batteries out of them, but that is not quite as safe now is it. Great story to publisize fire safety right now though. xD

a 3 storey drop would greet him there,

Spell it out please.
One of my many pet peeves in writing is when people don't write out the numbers. It just seems like laziness to me.

but he couldn’t stay here..

Punctuation confusion. :/
Is it supposed to be one period or a '...'?
I recommend fixing that one up. Just to let you know, Dreamwalk does that in her writing too. >D

Before he could decide smoke quickly invaded his lungs,

There should be a comma after 'decide'. ;D

His eyes closed.

The only thing I have to say is that I thought his eyes were already closed! :O
If smoke started to billow in the room, I would have closed my eyes, then fell to the floor. Smoke stings your eyes you know. I personally have sat at too many campfires with the smoke billowing at me, making my eyes water.

each drop taunting his slightly charred face.

This is extremely nit-picky, but rain cannot taunt his face because his charred face does not necessary want it. I think you should change it to his aching throat or something because of the lack of water. Smoke dehydrates people you know.

A small business card reading:

You have been serviced by:

Eden Garden Service

32 Evergreen Crescent

London

Again I have to agree with Dreamwalk with this one. Italics would make it seem so much cooler. ;D

II. Grammar and Punctuation

I would have to say you have spectacular grammar and punctuation. It actually brings a tear to my glass eye. It seems that it is obvious that you spell check your work, and hopefully proof read? That is the key to becoming a good writer.

You had one simple '...' mistake, but other then that your punctuation was fairly good. I prefer not to use '...' in writing because personally I feel it takes away from the emotion of the piece if used too much. You only used it once, but this was a fore-warning.

You also have places where you could possibly add commas. The reason why I suggesting putting commas in those places was because they apply to the rules of placing commas and when I read it, It was deemed nicely that a comma would fit in that position. You don't have to put them there, but I would recommend it.

III. Character Development

Your character does seem different yet I am not quite sure so far. I don't know much about him and his characteristics which is what I am going to rant about here. xD

When readers read, they subconciously make connections to the characters and the situations. That why characters are so important. What they mostly connect to with the characters is the characteristics that are hidden behind the words and actions. You can't tell the characteristics from just a simple story with out them telling you. I would recommend maybe adding dialogue somewhere, that way the characteristics can be found easily. Everyone talks differently and there is usually wthings that you can tell about a person with their word choice, rhythum and voice. With the actions, it is important to describe them because everyone moves differently. Some people are graceful while others are clumsy. Some move briskly while others move slowly. Those always reflect on the kind of person they are. Try to add some of those details in.

Another thing I would like you to do is add more physical descriptions. I am unsure of what your character actually looks like. It is really tricky to describe characters with out info dumping but it surely is a valuable skill. You have to add subtle hints of what the character looks like and what they are wearing. For example; instead of saying 'he reached out' why not try 'he reached out gracefully, the beautiful embrodiery on his suit jacket was revealed in the candescent light'.

IV. Writing Format

Your writing is certainly beautiful. It was not confusing at all, clear and had an amazing vocabulary. I was quite surprised. Your sentence structure is also very good. I had barely anything to comment on.

What I recommend is following Dreamwalks idea of describing the setting more. The setting is also important in a story and is often forgotten. Without the setting, the readers actually have to use their imagination and who would want that to happen. xD

I also think that your story was way to fast paced. It was a great way to catch peoples attention, certainly. It seemed really eye catching but I would have prefered some more detail and prolonging into what truly is happening. Like add some more of his thoughts in the beginning. Make him think a bit more about the star. Or maybe start with dialogue with his mother so that you can get the reader to get really angry at you when you kill her off. xD

Just try to slow it down, but not too slow or else it will become severely boring.

V. Overall

This sounds very interesting so far. I like the sound of it. The one thing I am curious about is that if the falling star has significance in this story. Because if it does, it could work out really well with forshadowing. A great idea that would be. I also like how you ended it because it seems so cool and suspenseful because you wish to know what truly happened.

I would recommend just adding more details and description in places, just to make the story better to visualize. Imagine that you are painting a picture with words. A tip I have is to use all five senses. That way people get the who idea of what truly is happening.

Keep it up and I surely want to read more.
~Incognito

Hello :] Welcome to YWS! I'll get straight to the reviewing, because I'm awfully tired.

Ryan tossed and turned under his stifling sheets. Sweat cascaded down his face and the coarse fabric gripped his bare skin and constricted him tightly. I find the second sentence somewhat overwritten and pretentious, but there's nothing wrong with it grammatically etc. When is the weather like this in Britain? Never at a convenient time comma it seemed.


He released himself from his linen incarceration I like, I like and moved over towards the window comma in an attempt to catch some merciful breeze that may have decided to drift his way. The heat had become unbearable recently, but strangely only seemed to occur in the middle of the night.


He looked out towards the night sky and the twinkling twinkling is such a little girly word, lol. lights of London in the distance. A quick white flash, possibly a shooting star, darted over his rooftop and out of sight.


After a few minutes of quiet contemplation comma Ryan [s]suddenly[/s] smelled some strong aroma, not native to his bedroom environment. Describe it! What was it? Smoke? The fire alarm acknowledged this suspicion you do this a lot, kind of personification but not. It's not a bad thing.. just sayin' and began blurting out its counsel.


He rushed over to the door, hurdling the bed. A crackling noise ominously sounded downstairs and the doorknob blistered his hand, but somehow he managed to fling it open. A wall of flame met him on the other side and beat him back into the now smoke-filled room. Imagery, please Where could he go? Out the window? No, a [s]3[/s] three storey drop would greet him there, New sentence but he couldn’t stay here.. If you are going to use an ellipsis, remember it is always three dots


Before he could decide comma smoke [s]quickly[/s] very adjective-happy, aren't you? invaded his lungs, blinded his sight and dragged him unwillingly to the floor. His eyes closed.



He awoke to the sound of sirens approaching in the distance and could feel the hard concrete of Dauber Street below his face. Rain began to descend, five minutes too late; incorrect use of semi--colon each drop taunting his slightly charred face. How had he got out of there? Where was his mother?


This second question seemed to revive him and he struggled to his feet, only to be met with the smouldering carcass that was once his home.


‘Mum?’ he quietly whispered.


No reply came. She was gone, either consumed by the fire or vanished into the dark night.


Ryan delved into his pockets, hoping for his phone to be still intact but they were empty save for one unfamiliar item. A small business card reading:

Okay. I liked it. It was good, rather good, in fact. Except there was a distinct lack of imagery and a stilting reliance on adjectives. A wise member of YWS once told me not to use words ending in 'ly' unless absolutely necessary, because believe me, they can be relied on so much and result in a rather flimsy story. Which this was not.
- Your vocab was excellent, just don't go overkill with it.
- You will notice I picked up on a lack of commas here and there. I found this was be an issue with your story. However, I'm aware there are no definitive rules on commas, so do ignore me if you like [Same goes with everything]

Anyhow, thanks for the read

Lauren