Desert Hill

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The hill was very high. Johnny pushed down on the pedals as hard as he could, striving to get to the top. The anniversary was today. He had made a promise, and he was here to keep it.

At last he reached the top. From here he could see the red dusty expanse of the Arizona desert, stretching out in all directions. He turned around. The top of the hill was a slight bowl, almost like a volcano. Here, there was green grass. It was a different scene than the rest of the land.

Johnny got off of his bike and walked to the middle of the bowl. There was a small white cross there, underneath a shade tree. He approached it reverently.

“Hi, Daniel,” he said as he came to a stop in front of the cross. “I’m here.”

There was no reply save the gentle breeze and the call of a nearby bird.

“I miss you,” Johnny said. It was true. Four years had passed since now and then, back when he was younger and Daniel had just arrived back from his tour of duty.

He had gone to Spain. Johnny could remember him talking about it late at night. Sometimes Dad was there. Sometimes it was just Daniel, with Johnny hiding in the other room. He talked about nothing most of the time, just the ordinary things like the people and the buildings in Madrid.

But one night Johnny had snuck down and found his brother in tears. His head was in his hands. For a while, he couldn’t understand a word that came out of Daniel’s mouth. But, slowly, things began to make sense.

“It was too much that day, too much. Too much to drink, too much time, too much power.”

Johnny sat enraptured by this.

“Merino kept saying it was all right. He was so sure we weren’t going to get caught. He was right, we didn’t. But it still stank. It all stank. She didn’t deserve it. No, she didn’t.”

Johnny wanted to leave. He wanted to run back to his room and hide from this spectacle. But curiosity ruled his brain and he was rooted to the spot.

“We just picked her up off of the street. She might have been a rich girl, might have just gotten some money and treated herself. I don’t know. All I know is that we stopped, grabbed her, and left so fast.”

“Merinomerinomerino, why didn’t we just find a stinking whore? You don’t realize man, you don’t know what you’ve left me with.”

Johnny wondered who Merino was, and who this girl was.

“I can still hear her screams before you gagged her. Then all I heard was your grunting. I was speeding along through the streets. All I could think about was finding a place to stop. Then it would be my turn. We kidnapped her and I couldn’t think of anything else but that.”

Daniel broke down again. Johnny had suddenly worried that his brother would see him. He had turned and went back to his room. He had crawled back into bed and stared at the ceiling for the longest time, trying to go back to sleep.

Johnny’s thoughts drifted back to the present. Now he had some understanding of what his brother had been talking about, how far his brother had fallen. Had that played a part in what had happened up here four years ago? Had his brother really been drunk with alcohol, or with remorse?

“Whatever happened man, I forgive you,” Johnny said. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I still forgive you.”

There was no reply. Doubt hung heavy in this place. He should not have come. It was too hard.

Johnny turned back to the road that led down the hill to the desert. It was lonely. No one drove upon it. He pedaled swiftly down and left the place.



This is an entry for Cal's Chorus Contest. The song is Johnny America by Five for Fighting. The word is tragedy.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Connie-Mc-Sushi, it's been awhile since I've reviewed something of yours.

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At last he reached the top. From here he could see the red dusty expanse of the Arizona desert, stretching out in all directions.

Your sentences are very short and choppy at the beginning here. It's alright for the most part, but it really drives me crazy with the first sentence here. I feel that you haven't really written enough yet to have this indication of a lapse in time, "At last, he reached the top". And it's so short and choppy, starting off a paragraph -- it just has a amateurish sound that has no place here. I say, here, combine sentences -- or at least, this sentence. Something along the lines of, "When at last he reached the top, he could see the red dusty...". And if you want that lapse in time with "at last", consider adding more description beforehand -- perhaps of the land, or the situation.

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What a sad story. It's very short and succinct too, so there's not all too much to comment on. I really did enjoy it. One thing that I found odd is that Daniel was just speaking aloud like that -- to himself. The way he was speaking, one would have thought he was talking to someone else. In fact, I thought he was talking to Johnny at first, until you imply otherwise as you read on. Perhaps it would be better if he was telling Johnny this, rather than just him overhearing. If Daniel was drinking himself into a stupor, it would make sense he would give a miserable account of what he did to his little brother, not even noticing when his brother left the room in his intoxication.

I believe that scenario would be better, rather than Johnny overhearing his brother talking to himself. But anyway. As you are!

PM me for anything.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Hey there Conrad!
I am going to look at your story. ;)
Let's begin!

I. Nit-Picking

The hill was very high. Johnny pushed down on the pedals as hard as he could, striving to get to the top. The anniversary was today. He had made a promise, and he was here to keep it.

At last he reached the top. From here he could see the red dusty expanse of the Arizona desert, stretching out in all directions. He turned around. The top of the hill was a slight bowl, almost like a volcano. Here, there was green grass. It was a different scene than the rest of the land.


The beginning here is fairly choppy. There is a lot of stop and go actions going on here which takes away from the piece. I believe you could mprh some of these sentences together (keeping to all the rules of writing of course) and maybe decribe it a bit more because as Clo said, the laspe of time doesn't seem suffiecent enough. Follow her tips, I am to lazy to write out the same thing. ;)

a shade tree.


You don't have to fix this, but what is a shade tree? :O
I have never heard that before, and clarification would be great!
A tip I might have is to have a kind of tree that mostly everybody knows.

“We just picked her up off of the street. She might have been a rich girl, might have just gotten some money and treated herself. I don’t know. All I know is that we stopped, grabbed her, and left so fast.”

“Merinomerinomerino, why didn’t we just find a stinking whore? You don’t realize man, you don’t know what you’ve left me with.”


Because this is the same person talking there is a correct format to do this. If the dialogue is broken into two pieces you don't add the finishing quotation on the first paragraph. That way people will still be able to tell that it is only him talking, because surely I got a bit confused there.

That's all I saw.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

You have great grammar and punctuation. There was no grammatical errors so obviously your probably spell check and proof read your work which is a great thing to do when you write. With punctuation, the only thing I need to remind you on is simply that you have to watch out with the monologues, for it was mostly only Daniel who had spoken.

III. Character Development

You characters certainly seemed something. You did not need to know much about Johnny so I will focus more on Daniel. One of the main things I noticed was that there was no hints to what Daniel actually looked like. Was he tall? Muscular? We would like to know these things.

But remember when adding physical descriptions that you don't over do it and info dump. Just subtly add hints in there about what the character looks like. Get in touch with your adjectives and paint pictures with your words.

I would have also liked you to have added more about what Daniel was like before he went to the war. Was he funny? Interesting? Obviously he came back broken hearted and haunted. One thing I am mildly confused on, was if Daniel was talking to himself the whole time, even before this truth was displayed. I would appreciate if you could clarify that.

IV. Writing Format

Your writing is incredibly simple and easy to understand. You don't tend to over do it at all. Your vocabulary is certainly great. One of the things I want you to work on is how choppy it is. It doesn't really matter, but like what Clo said, it makes it seem that your writing was written by an amateur and certainly you aren't one. Combine some of those sentences and make it fluent.

I would have also liked more description on the setting and characters as I have said before. The reason why I would like more description on the setting was because how you described it, it wasn't very clear to me. Add more details and again paint the pictures with your words. The setting is certainly important because sometimes we might not understand something when you write it.

V. Overall

This was a fairly sad piece. It was really upsetting and it reminded me of the song Hero of War by Rise Against. It also reminded me of the story Kiterunner, but that was only because there was rape in that book too. This story I like because it shows some of the deeper tracks in war, not just the glorified stuff you see on TV.

The only thing I would like to clear up on is why was Daniel burried in the bowl crator place under a tree when obviously that wasn't really close to where they lived. It confuses me moderately. Is there some secret meaning behind it or was it simply to make your story sound cool? xD

To branch off of that, when I was reading, I though his brother commited suicide there. If that is so, then clarification in the piece should be added. I would have also liked for you to add details on his death.

Your story was good, nice and short, and I believe that this was one of my favourite stories. ;)
~Incognito
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'




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I didn't find anything i'd like to critique; I really enjoyed this story.

It is indeed very tragic, and I'm sure a very realistic event for men fighting overseas. I liked how you descibed the setting, and described the emotion of both Johnny and Daniel. Your style was great. I actually find that the setting and character's need not be described further; the appearance of Johnny and Daniel is really irrelevant for such a short piece. :)




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I must say, Conrad, you have a way with words. I agree with Incognito about the way you glorified other horrors beside the killing and death of war. I liked how you focused on other things so the reader was able to feel sympathy for your main character instead of confusion and maybe anger for him doing that to the young girl they kidnapped.

My only concern is the little brother. Did he ever confront this brother after hearing this? Did he ever wonder about it? Did his opinion of him every change? I would love to get just a hint at this.

Otherwise, you wrote this beautifully and it did remind me of the Kite Runner. I'm not sure why but it did.

Anyway, keep on writing great stories! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan