Mechanical Ghosts, part 1

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MECHANICAL GHOSTS, PART 1

*********
Fredrect
*********

He shut the door. The room became darkness.
He gasped, breathing in, breathing out. He leaned forward, and felt the smooth door against his skin. He closed his mouth, and breathed through his nose. He blinked in the darkness.
In the darkness, in the gloom.
He locked the door. Click.
Silence. Stillness. Except, in the corner, the refrigerator hummed.
He opened his mouth. "Code Appliance, lights on."
Nothing happened.
"Fine. Code, shades open."
Across the room, through the window-shades, slits of light streamed into the room. The dull, brown apartment appeared before his eyes. A box, a cubicle, a compartment.
He shook his head. "Stupid machines."
The counter, the refrigerator, the window blurred as he turned. Past the closet, the couch, he moved, stepping, staggering, before his desk.
A desk covered with papers.
He pulled out the chair and sat down.
Papers cluttered his desk. Advertisements, bills, and insurance policies.
"Useless." He placed his hand on the papers, and shoved them to the floor.
The papers scattered across the brown carpet.
"I can hardly think." He covered his face with his hands, and leaning on the desk, he groaned.
A digital clock on the wall beeped.
Rays of sunlight seeped through the window-shades. Outside, the sun was setting.
He reached into his pocket. "Code Appliance, lights on."
No response.
He pulled out a rectangular device – a cell phone, a computer. "Code, lights on."
No response.
He set the cell phone on the desk, and pushing back his chair, he stood up. The room seemed to turn as he walked over to a switch on the wall. "Stupid appliances. Someone needs to fix that piece of crap." He flicked on the switch.
Florescent lights flickered on above him. White lights, against a white ceiling.
Over on the desk, his cell phone rattled.
"Oh?" He walked toward the desk. "And who's calling me now?"
The phone shook.
He picked up the phone. "What?"
Through the phone came the voice of a woman. "Fredrect, you okay?"
He relaxed. "Ellis? Hey."
A woman's voice. "I've been trying to call you. I miss you so much."
He pulled out his chair and sat down. "Hey, Ellis. Where are you?"
"I'm still in China. Wo cheng zai zhong guo."
Fredrect smiled. "Are you safe?"
"Of course I am. I'm always safe."
Fredrect leaned back in the chair. "Please be careful."
In the apartment, the refrigerator hummed. Florescent lights glowed.
Ellis, the woman, spoke. "Wo ai ni."
Fredrect looked around his apartment. "What?"
"Wo ai ni. It means I love you."
"Oh. I love you too."
The voice of Ellis. "There's a chance I'll be home soon."
"Really?" Fredrect sat up in his chair. "When?"
"I don't know yet. But I can't come back to New York City until I'm done here."
Fredrect's eyebrows bent downward. "Done with what?"
"I can't tell you. I have to go now. I haven't had breakfast yet."
Fredrect sighed. "Bye."
"Zai jian. That means goodbye, by the way. I'll talk to you real soon. Love you."
She hung up.
"I miss you, Ellis." Fredrect set the device down on his desk. "I miss you."
The sunlight faded behind the window.
He looked over at the window. "Code Appliance, close shades."
The window shades fell shut.
He looked up. In the corner of the ceiling, a black device turned and moved. It was a camera.
The cell phone shook on his desk.
He picked up the phone. "Hello?"
A man's voice. "Fredrect, this is Victor."
Fredrect's eyes grew wide. "What's wrong?"
"Come down here immediately."
Fredrect leaned on the edge of his seat. "But I just got home."
"Get down here. Now. I can't explain."
The man hung up. The phone droned in Fredrect's ear.
Fredrect put the phone in his pocket. He stood up, pushed his chair in, and walked toward the door.
"Code Appliance, lights out."
Nothing happened.
"Stupid machines." Fredrect walked toward the wall and flicked off the switch.
The apartment became darkness.
In the dark, Fredrect's breathing could be heard. The refrigerator hummed.
Click. Fredrect unlocked the door.

**************
The Camera
**************

The door closed. Fredrect had left his apartment.
The darkness was tinted blue. In the corner of the ceiling, a device clicked and whirred.
In the apartment, the florescent lights flickered on. Florescent lights, flickering.
But the lights were tinted blue. The ceiling was blue. The brown apartment was a shade of blue.
Looking down from a ceiling corner, a device whirred. The device was a camera.
Across the room, on the wall, a digital clock beeped.
As the camera turned, the blue apartment seemed to move.
Turning. Turning. The blue apartment moved. Turning.
The camera looked at the desk. The camera zoomed in.
Enlarged on a blue screen, papers were strewn on the floor. Important papers.
Whirring, the camera zoomed out. The room grew smaller.
Turning. Turning. The camera monitored the blue room.
After some time, on the wall, the digital clock beeped. An hour had passed.
The blue room grew still.
Static. A sound.
The camera zoomed in on the blue door, enlarging it.
Another sound. Someone was unlocking the door.
Flickering, the florescent lights turned off. The apartment became darkness.
But the darkness was tinted blue.

**********
Fredrect
**********

Click. The apartment door opened.
Light fell across the floor, outlining the shadow of a person. A person's shadow, distorted, stretching across the floor.
The shadow stepped forward. Fredrect stepped into the room. He rubbed his eyes. "Damn it, Victor."
Leaving the door open, he walked over to the wall. He flicked a switch.
The apartment lights turned on. White lights, against a white ceiling. The brown apartment appeared.
The apartment door remained open.
Fredrect walked over to the refrigerator.
In a corner of the ceiling, the camera moved, watching him.
He opened the refrigerator, and looked inside.
The apartment door remained open.
Without getting anything, Fredrect closed the refrigerator.
Next to the refrigerator, he leaned against the counter.
"It can't be real. Oh my God." He placed his hand on his forehead.
His head was warm. Very warm, like an overheated machine.
Fredrect shook his head. "That can't be legal, either." He looked up. "And besides, it shouldn't be possible."
In the corner of the ceiling, a device whirred. The black device, the camera, monitored the room.
Fredrect's wide eyes looked around the bright apartment. He noticed the door.
The door remained open.
"I thought I closed this." He walked over toward the door. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows bent. He closed the door. He breathed in. He breathed out.
The black camera moved, turning, turning.
Click. He locked the door.
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
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Okay first review, here goes. Sorry for anything I screw up.
At first glance the story catches my attention span. Well done since for the most part it’s that of a squirrel.

elijah1 wrote: He shut the door. The room became darkness.
He gasped, breathing in, breathing out. He leaned forward, and felt the smooth door against his skin. He closed his mouth, and breathed through his nose. He blinked in the darkness.
In the darkness, in the gloom.
He locked the door. Click.
Silence. Stillness. Except, in the corner, the refrigerator hummed.
He opened his mouth. "Code Appliance, lights on."

One thing I noticed is that you started many of the sentences off with ‘He’, seven times in the first seven lines. I don’t know if you meant to, it isn’t too distracting but it is a bit odd. If you want, try something like—
He shut the door. The room became darkness.
He gasped, breathing in, breathing out. Leaning forward, and feeling the smooth door against his skin. He closed his mouth, and breathed through his nose, blinking in the darkness.
In the darkness, in the gloom.
A hand locked the door. Click.
Silence. Stillness. Except, in the corner, the refrigerator hummed.
He opened his mouth. "Code Appliance, lights on."

Not trying to shove my way on you, but think on it.

Love how you wrote this, I personally have tried to write like this and failed miserably. Somehow it gives me a very clear picture, and yet so few words describing it, intriguing. I am also of the opinion that this works well in this story. Keep this up, it doesn’t work very often, but I am so feeling it in this one.
Okay the camera. I don’t understand this very well, it side tracked me, but it also took my mind away from Fredrect’s meeting. Is this what you wanted? If so, it worked, but seems a bit long. Your decision, how am I to know, maybe it has importance along the way?
Other than that, it’s very good, I get the thoughts that maybe we’re about to have a crisis. Write more quickly, it has excellent potential.
Keira.




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For any other reviewers, any thoughts as to what might happen next?

I get the thoughts that maybe we’re about to have a crisis.

This is helpful to know.
-----

He gasped, breathing in, breathing out. Leaning forward, and feeling the smooth door against his skin. He closed his mouth, and breathed through his nose, blinking in the darkness.


Ooo, I like it. Thanks.

Keep this up, it doesn’t work very often, but I am so feeling it in this one.

What doesn't work very often?

As to the camera...
I wanted to emphasize how the lights randomly turned on; (I'm not sure I succeeded). The lights turned on, allowing the camera to see. But notice that when Fredrect wanted the lights to turn on, he had to manually flick a switch.

As I said earlier...
For any other reviewers, any thoughts as to what might happen next?
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
If you would like me to critique it, say so.




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If no one else comments, I won't bother posting part 2
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
If you would like me to critique it, say so.




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The story line is good and I understand it which is a plus (i get confused a lot), but the sentences are too choppy for my liking and there can be more descriptions. For example you can describe the apartment in different words instead of using brown and blue over and over.




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Hey Elijah! June here!

I'm glad you decided to post this, but sorry I took so long getting to it.


There isn't much here to critique, I found it excellently written and very well thought out, dear.

I love how evenly you've paced this. Everything was smooth and slow, with a good deal of suspense to it. Beautiful job with that. I haven't read anything like this in a long time.

I do have questions on this, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing that will not reveal itself further along the storyline.

For now, gold star. Please PM me when you post the next part, dear.


Well done, one of the best Sci-fi pieces I've read on here. ;)

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
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