I Need You To Write. - 1. Part 1.

Hi, I couldn't find one mistake, not that I was looking properly I was so caught up in the story, it's amazing. Sorry I can't give more than that but constructive criticism is kind of impossible in this piece.

Will read more soon, See if I can pick up anything then,


Miriam

Good story! I need to keep my reviews up so here's the stuff.


"I was dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a golden field. The surrounding sea of corn waved lazily in the soft breeze. My small, young hand ran over their ordinary yet beautiful heads as if they were made from gold and not the nutrients of the earth. I think I smiled. This was a magical dream."

Great job! I like all the great adjectives you used. Just one thing. Instead of "I think I smiled", I would have put "I think that I smiled." Just seems to make more sense to me.

"-almost as clear as the fact he has already decided my punishment."

I would have said, "-clear like he had already decided my punishment."

Also I have a small problem with the tenses. It seems you switched from past to present tense and that sometimes doesn't work very well. But if that's part of your story then by all means I'd like to see how it unfolds!

Keep up the good work!

Well done. I loved the way you started the piece off. I personally think that a beggining paragraph is one of the hardest things to accomplish, because those are the lines that draw you in to begin with. And you have done a great job.

I felt it could have been lengthened a little... mostly due to the fact that i didn't really get a decent glimpse into the characters personality. I would say she might be lazy, but she was only asleep because of the dream, so its very open ended at this point.

Overall, i think that the piece was very well written, and I will defintely read the next chapters.

hey.
I know that tthis isn't one of those
super long reviews
where people point out
every little
mistake
but i will
tell you how i truely feel
with out the burdon
of those changes

I really like
the whole thing
it interested me
and now i want to read more
so off i swoop
to the next
forum

I love it. You are an amazing writer. I hope I can be as good as you are.
Good luck on your writing!

Overall i thought this piece was very interesting. I love how the first line is so dramatic. It really draws you in. One thing i wasn't to crazy about was how you have no idea what the character's name is. I think you should put that in somewhere. Can't wait to read more!
Emerald

Hey Jane. Can I call you Jane?

I just wanted to let you know that I liked this piece a lot. I see you've already gotten many reviews just like the one I'm writing now: It's amazing, yadda, yadda. But you've written something creative and interesting, so I felt that I owed you.

Just one thing that you could improve with this (there's probably many other nitpicks, but I'm kind of tired and I was too into the story to notice): Your MC has a tendency to babble a little too much. Maybe that's who she is, but you could cut back on the extra little details we don't need to know. Oh, and as another reviewer pointed out, there are too many "I" statements. Show, don't tell.

And that's it. Keep writing, girl. I see that you've posted some other chapters. If I have time I'll try to take a look at them.

Your friend,

KJ

Thank you all for your lovely (and helpful) comments!
I am determined to get this finished, but it's moving slowly
Thank you!

Emma
xx

Hey Emma, I loved this story and how you decided to throw a mysterious woman in a young girl's dream. I wanted to hear more, because I'm just enjoyed this first chapter. One thing that did not make sense to me though was the title "I need you to write" I hope you make that clear in the following chapters. Write more ok, good job!






_Chase_A._spann-Hala22-;)

Nice work. Let me say though that she wouldn't necessarily know that her eyes are wide and innocent or other features of her appearance. I would say relay that information in a scene where she looks at herself in the mirror. Anyways, these are, of course just opinions. You can totally disregard them. It's your story, write it however you wish. Btw, if you ever get a chance check out Willow in the fantasy section. That's my work. Pick it apart if you want. Thanks.

Okay. I really liked this story. I didn't read any of the other reviews so if I repeat anything I'm sorry.

FIRST OF ALL: 'I dreaming I was wandering in the middle of a golden field'.
This is super good but the way it sounds to me when I read was like you trying to hurry it up. I would consider rephrasing it.

THIS MAY NOT BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WROTE 'Next to me, Maya leaned close to me'
The repetition of the word me stuck out like a sore thumb. It was hard for me to read this sentence because of that repetition.

RUN-ONS Run-ons annoy me so much. 'I knew she wasn't something my imagination had made up, she was real, she had once been alive'. And there is this one,
'I did not fall asleep because of Mr. Shank, well, I suppose he was partly responsible, last night I hardly had any sleep'.

The tenses thing was a little strange but I didn't dislike it enough to complain.

Over all it was good! I liked it a lot. I would like to read more.

P.S. Sorry if I came off kind of mean in my review.

OOOOOOOOO

I loved this piece! Very well done! It was moving and real and lots of big words that I can't think of that are very good things

I hope to see more of it!

Keep up the amazing work!!

-Irish