Love's Hold

I wrote this for Cal's Song Inspiration Contest, and the song this poem was inspired by is Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, and the word is pathos. It's not great, but I think it has some potential.

This heaven is a prison
With jail cells of white.
Not a sound is arisen
In this world of light.

The clouds stifle and choke
Every angelic inmate.
This place is a hoax
That only love complicates.

I’m trapped by death’s hold
And forever brimming with rue.
I was never so bold
As to say I love you.

hello.

The end is my favorite part. It's always lovely when the end of a poem is brilliant.

Hmm... First, I think your rhyme restricts you. In the first stanza, although it is some good imagery, the third line doesn't seem to contribute much to the poem. It seems to be there only for the sake of a rhyme. Although it does work, I think something else could be done in order to make this poem more vivid.

The first two lines of the second stanza are brilliant as well. The third brings the whole concept of this poem together but it doesn't rhyme too well. The rhythm falters.

Last stanza is lovely.

Eh... perhaps you could make this a little longer? Also, make it more vivid.

Overall, it's a very lovely poem. Good luck with your revisions.

--Knightly

I really enjoyed this poem. I found it relatable and I think it does a good job of describing how a person in this situation feels. I also thought the ending was fantastic like KnightlyAngel09. I think it was the best part of the poem.

Hey Chips!
I am going to be your reviewer today! (Yay!)

Okay I really enjoyed this poem. It was simple and clear, and the metaphors are great!
My biggest complaints is that it is too short!
and the syllable count is a little too mix-matched for my taste.

Even out the lines and syllables and extend it a little.
This poem is a little short and too sweet for me to review harshly
So work on it!
It's great so far!

With Love,
K A M A S

Way good poem! The rhyming is really good, and it is definitely a cool message. JUst a few switchups, though.

This heaven is a prison
With jail cells of white.
Not a sound is arisen
In this world of light.
Great first stanza!

The cloud[s]s[/s] stifles and choke[s]s[/s]
Every angelic inmate.
This place is a hoax
That only love [s]complicates[/s] can complicate.

I'm trapped by death's hold
And forever brimming with rue.
I was never so bold
As to say I love you.

I do very much like this poem !
It seems rhymers don't always go so well but I enjoyed this one . I agree that the last stanza is the best and that this should be extended when you have more time and experience with poetry .
Bueno suerte !