Young Writers Society

Thanks for all of the reviews. I've edited this based off of them, so hopefully you guys think it's better.
If anyone wanted to hear it with a guitar or something, I know nothing about guitars and chords but I do know how to figure out the melody on the piano. So the letters in parenthesis after each line are the notes on the piano. Each syllable has a new note. PM me if you have any questions or know of a better way to notate that.
Middle C position on the piano. Lower case letters mean below Middle C, upper case letters mean Middle C and above.
#=sharp

Also, this is from a boy's POV. Doesn't matter that much, just saying.
_____________________________________
I saw an angel (g b C D E)
In your eyes (D b a)

My life, is not complete without you (E E E E E F# E E b)
My soul cries out a long tune, (b b b C# b b e)
To just feel something new (e c e e f g)
But I’m not the same without you (E E E E F# E E b)
Because you left me for him (b b b C# b b e)
And made my world spin, before me (e e f g c c d e)

Your eyes (E E)
Your eyes, your eyes (E E E F#)
Your eyes (E b)
I’m miss those blue eyes (b b C D g)
They were my ocean (E F# E E b)
My life source, my refuge (b b C# b b e)
But then you left me (b C# b b e)
Why did you leave me? (b C# b b E)

My life, is not complete without you (E E E E E F# E E b)
My soul cries out a long tune, (b b b C# b b e)
To just feel something new (e c e e f g)
But I’m not the same without you (E E E E F# E E b)
Because you left me for him (b b b C# b b e)
And made my world spin, before me (e e f g c c d e)

Did you know? (E F# E)
How much you hurt me (E E E E b)
When those eyes left me (b b C# b e)
All those years ago (e c e f g)

My heart cried (E F# E)
For those eyes (A G# F#)
And I couldn’t quite believe (E F# G# F# F# E b)
That they were gone for good (b C# b b b e)

I’ve never been (d d d e)
A religious man (d d d d g)
But one thing I believe (g g g g g a b)
Is that the angels (b b b E D)
Gave you life (D D D) (last D, fall C b)
And their words are so sweet (b b E D b a)

My life, is not complete without you (E E E E E F# E E b)
My soul cries out a long tune, (b b b C# b b e)
To just feel something new (e c e e f g)
But I’m not the same without you (E E E E F# E E b)
Because you left me for him (b b b C# b b e)
And made my world spin, before me (e e f g c c d e)

-Guitar-

I believe (E F# E)
In the angels (E E E b)
And their voices (b C b E)
Joining in song (E F# E) (last E, fall D C)

And I believe (E E F# G#)
That those angels (A G# G# F#)
Live in your eyes (F# F# E b)
Your ocean eyes (A G# F# b)

I’ve never been (b b b D)
A religious man (C C C b a)
But there’s one thing I believe (a g b g g a d)

I saw an angel (e g a b C)
In your eyes (b g e)

Hello!
I like your song very much! And if you will use guitar for singing this song, it will be great! When I read this words, I thought, that they are not worse, then words in the song ''My immortal'' by Evanescence! I would like to listen to this song with music! I think, it will be great song.
Very good!
Antonina.

the chorus reminded me of All Around Me by flyleaf and mostly gotta find you by joe jonas.

i def can relate to the feeling of the song, but the chorus had cliche lyrics.
it seems like it would be a nice song since it means so much. and its very simple and it doesn't try too hard to give us the emotion it has. but if you sharpen up the chorus a bit it would be even greater. seems like you say 'you' too much

Hi Carly! Kat's here -- as requested!

So, on to it!

The first thing I'd like to point out, is how cliche it sounds. How so very normal, regular. Everything you wrote, has been written before. As mostly everything, but people can make it original, and I believe you can! It's only a matter of spicing up your word choice, and giving a bit more of imagery.

Example A:

My life
Is not complete
Without you
My soul is searching
For you
I’m not the same
Without you

Right here, you repeat the same thing twice, and it's a bit confusing. You say the boy's soul is searching for her. Then how does he know she's the one that completes him, if he's still searching? Something like "My hunt is over," or something. How are you not the same without her? Do you get gloomy? Sadder? Do you act strangely an uncomfortable near your friends? Explain a bit more. Lyrics should be conclusive; you should be able to get something clear out of them

Example B:

I’m miss those blue eyes
They were my ocean
My life source
My refuge
But then you left me
Why did you leave me?

Here, you could something really nice, ya know? Rhyming is not particularly needed, but words with similar format or ending sound nice when heard together. Rhyming isn't that efficient in lyrics, because the melody will always get in the way.
I really liked the first four lines. Sweet.
The two final lines are abrupt; a change of theme so quick you nearly can't catch up. Lyrics are to be sang, and to be felt.

Flow
I felt like your flow was rather... awkward, and your line brakes were as awkward. The way you write the lyrics, won't exactly be the way you sing them. That why I think you should fix the line brakes.

That's it! Overall, I liked it

Questions? Feel free to PM me!
*Kat*
*runs off to do the rest of the reviews*

Hello tnme,

Alright, so I think I mentioned that poetry (and the like) isn't really my thing. So I'm going to attempt to give you a good review, but take everything I say with a grain of salt!

First of all, maybe it would be different if it were to music, but all of your lines seemed to be too short. When you have a line break it seems like that would be a pause in between the words, which makes it sound all kinds of weird to be honest. I think it would sound better if you changed it to combine two or three lines at a time to create complete thoughts. Like:


I saw an angel in your eyes...

My life is not complete without you,
My soul is searching for you,
I'm not the same without you,
Why can't I find you?

And so on. But that's up to you.

Second, I have to agree with writewatiwant. Alot of this has been done before. It's one of those topics that's been explored so often that it's hard to hit on something original, so it's not your fault, but I might recommend looking at this again with a different point of view in mind. Some how make it more your own, something that only you could have come up with rather than something that's been done before.


Third,

I’ve never been
A religious man
But one thing I believe
That the angels
Gave you life
And their words are so sweet

I like this stanza, it has that original piece to it. And it sounds nice read aloud. A couple things I might add though is a "do" between "I" and "believe" and an "Is" before "that". Also, I think the last line is slightly out of place...but if you keep it the "are" in the last sentence should be "were".


Well, that's basically all I could think of. I tried my hardest! I hope this is helpful!

-Maggie

To be honest I am a little bit disappointed. because usually I would like the theme and the plot of your lyrics. I think this is your least good lyric. I really don't like lyrics when somebody else is pissed or sad at another person for leaving them. I also think you used the word 'you' too much. I would give you a 3- out of five for this. I am really sorry but I know you can do alot better beacuse you are really good at lyrics. Matter of fact you are one of my favourite!

i agree with lordgluzman. you use too many "you". Some parts are cliche... and what you've wrote i've heard of them before.
but i think your song is great because it uses simple words, but i get the message clearly... yeah, that's what i like about your song..

i would love to hear it with guitar!! i think it will be wonderful.

continue writing!!!!

this song is really touching and beautiful. The only thing i wish you would have done is had a good ending to it. I hate it when there's this really sad song about a break up and it ends sad. I feel like saying 'get that girl or guy back for leaving you!' there should be maybe one line in that song, preferably that last one that gives a hint that you're over her or are glad she left or something. i don't know I'm definitely not a song writer but it's just my opinion. good job!!!
-alwaysbeinginspired95

hiya Carly,

Thought the song was good, but my main criticism is that it does slip into cliche quite frequently.
The repetition oy "you" i feel is quite unneccessary.

However, the thing is with this song, is that i think the song would be transformed when performed.
If you recall the criticism you made about my song "my only way to love you." You criticised the use of consistent rhyme, but i feel, it just seems to work when its done with the guitar and singing.

This is clearly a very touching and beautiful song. I think even more so if you stress and draw out the "you's" when you perform it.

Keep writing (and thanks for my review-very helpful)

Danny

hiya Carly,

Thought the song was good, but my main criticism is that it does slip into cliche quite frequently.
The repetition oy "you" i feel is quite unneccessary.

However, the thing is with this song, is that i think the song would be transformed when performed.
If you recall the criticism you made about my song "my only way to love you." You criticised the use of consistent rhyme, but i feel, it just seems to work when its done with the guitar and singing.

This is clearly a very touching and beautiful song. I think even more so if you stress and draw out the "you's" when you perform it.

Keep writing (and thanks for my review-very helpful)

Danny

Edited based on reviews and I've added notes.

-Carly