Immortality- The Prologue

Prologue

I was out having a good time at a club in Chicago with some of my house brothers. The place was called Burning Skulls. It was a rock/dance club. Breaking Dishes by Rihanna was playing, but not for long. The song changed when I saw her walk through the door. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was wearing all black; tight, revealing. She turned and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo of a Chinese character on her thin shoulder blade. She was small, but not sickly like the others. The girl had muscles, was healthy, small and perfect.
Her dark brown hair ended just below her ears and her eyes were dark brown and a bit obscured from stray hairs that had gone into her face as she danced. I saw the burning desire in her eyes. The girl knew that any man could fall under that gaze, but her eyes met mine. She smiled a cat's cunning smile as she spots her prey. She prowled over to me. I smiled, not minding being her target.
When I saw her up close it was amazing. Her lips were lightly pink and perfectly shaped with no lipstick, lip gloss or Chap Stick on them whatsoever. Her dark eyebrows floated dangerously over her sultry eyes. Her chest was nicely shaped and not too small. I'd have to guess a C-cup or so. Her waist was perfectly small, going in then out for shapely hips. Her butt was as great as her chest; well-proportioned. Though she was short, her legs were seemingly long and oh-so-smooth. The girl had a nice tan, but it looked perfectly natural, as if she were born with it.
She told me her name was Sydney and grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the dance floor. Sydney shook, shimmied, turned, swayed, and danced with sexy elegance. I could tell she wanted me, but only for tonight. She had that look on, that she was only looking to forget, and her target would be the way she would. After five dances we drank. We talked a little, but both of us only wanting one thing. Sydney was mysterious, careful not to give anything away. This intrigued me more.
We danced more until it was one-thirty. She said she was tired of the place and wanted to go somewhere else. I suggested my dorm, and Sydney smiled as if knowing the offer would come. I drove her over there.
"This is it." I casually showed her my room, before she sat on the bed and crossed her legs. Sydney yawned and stretched her arms above her head, which caused my eyes to go straight to her chest. She wasn't wearing a bra. While her arms were still above her head, she smiled knowing what she was doing to me. She came over to me- unable to move just yet- let her arms slowly down to her sides and then touched my cheek.
My breathing came ragged. I felt the need, and it was strong. She lightly kissed me. I reacted immediately. She was on her back, smiling still. I smiled too. Both our lips and hands were rushed, trying to get to it as quickly as possible. I felt myself get harder every second. I touched her all over; her breasts, waist, thighs, ass....
Sydney was naked in a matter of moments and so was I. I kissed her everywhere before entering her. She moaned in pleasure, her hands gripping my back tightly, pulling me into her more. It felt so good. I couldn't help but moan back. My mind was away from my head and my body and the desires it felt took over.
It was a long night and she became as wild as me, wanting me in ways I've never been wanted. She was the best I've ever had, and I will ever have- I'm sure. She heightened my pleasure by a thousand. She blew my mind. We did it again, and again, and again... until it turned light.
Sydney was gone; as quickly as she appeared. I felt satisfied though; a deep content that I had never felt before. She wouldn't be back. But I knew that the night we spent together would be forever engraved in my mind. I remember the feel of her skin, the many tattoos she had- one under her breast, behind her ear, ankle, thigh, both shoulder blades, hip. I remember her sexy voice and get goose bumps.
A cat that's never tied down. Comes and goes as she pleases. The truest form of freedom lived in that perfect pleasing body of hers.

(yes its now edited but reviews are still welcome)

Hey there lilyjacobs, welcome to YWS!
Just for future reference, we like to try to keep a 2;1 ratio on reviews to stories here. Now usually I'm kind of a stickler on this and want people to have done some reviews before I review their story, but since this is a super special week, I'm making an exception (Just pinky promise you'll make some reviews )

lilyjacobs wrote:I was out having a good time at a club in Chicago with some of my house brothers when I saw her. The place was called Burning Skulls. It was a rock/dance club. Breaking Dishes by Rihanna was playing, but not for long. The song changed when I saw her walk through the door.

This jumps around a little too much for my taste. In that first sentence you talk about the club and how you saw this girl. Naturally the reader expects you to go immediately into more detail about this girl because of the lead-in, but you talk about the club. Basically what I would do is just combine those first three sentences. 'I was out having at good time at Burning Skulls, a rock/dance club in Chicago, when I first saw her.'
It gets all that preliminary info out there and still keep that lead-in.

lilyjacobs wrote: She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was wearing all black; tight, revealing. She turned and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo of a Chinese character on her thin shoulder blade. [s]It wasn't too thin either.[/s] She was small, but not sickly like the others. She had muscles. She was healthy. [s]She was small.[/s] ((You already said she's small)) She was perfect.

Okay, that is a lot of 'she's'
I know it hard when she doesn't have a name yet and there really aren't many things you can call her. But I would try to tone this down. Combine some of these sentences and think of some other ways of saying 'she'.
Right now you have eight 'she's', I challenge you to get it down to three (four if you really have to).

lilyjacobs wrote:Her dark brown hair ended just below her ears. Her eyes were dark brown and a bit obscured from stray hairs that had gone into her face as she danced. I saw the burning desire in her eyes. She knew that any man could fall under that gaze, but her eyes met mine. She smiled a cat's cunning smile as she spots her prey. She prowled over to me. I smiled, not minding being her target.

And now it's 'her'
Same this as above, I would try to tone this down. Some of these sentences could probably be combined and some sentences could probably be taken out or re-worded.
Right now you have eight 'her's', I challenge you to get it down to four

lilyjacobs wrote:When I saw her up close it was amazing. Her lips were lightly pink and perfectly shaped with no lipstick, lip gloss or Chap Stick on them whatsoever. Her dark eyebrows floated dangerously over her sultry eyes. Her nose was very cute. The rest of her was burning hot. Her chest was nicely shaped and not too small. I'd have to guess a C-cup or so. Her waist was perfectly small, going in then out for shapely hips. Her butt was small, but cute; another cute thing about her. Though she was short, her legs were seemingly long and oh-so-smooth. Her skin had a nice tan, but it looked perfectly natural, as if she were born with it.

I think it's cool that you're describing her in this much detail but I think it might be helpful if you have her a name. Even if it's not her real name, just say something like 'I think she looks like a Claudia' and then you have some more options instead of just 'she' and 'her'.
This sentence goes a little overboard with hers again. I didn't underline them all for you because I think you get the idea
Same advice as above, combine, cut out, reword. Cut the 'her's' in half.

lilyjacobs wrote:She grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the dance floor. She shook, shimmied, turned, swayed, and danced with sexy elegance. I could tell she wanted me, but only for tonight. She had that look on, that she was only looking to forget, and her target would be the way she would. After five dances we drank. We talked a little, but both of us only wanting one thing. She was mysterious, careful not to give anything away. This intrigued me more.

And back to the 'she's'. It's a pattern
Do I have to say it again? Same as above

lilyjacobs wrote:A cat that's never tied down. Comes and goes as she pleases. The truest form of freedom lived in that perfect pleasing body of hers.

This is my favorite part of the whole thing. I don't know why. I just like the way you worded it.


There were many more instances of over 'her'ing and 'she'ing which I'm sure you can find and apply the same advice to.
This whole this was just kind of 'there' for me. I don't know. I didn't feel connected to the characters at all, and I felt like you were telling the story instead of showing the story. I think everything happened too fast.

Don't get discouraged, keep working on it

-Carly

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'm Kaila, and if you have any questions, you can just PM me.

It wasn't too thin either. She was small, but not sickly like the others. She had muscles. She was healthy. She was small. She was perfect.

I personally don't like the wording of this. I would change that first sentence to "But not too thin." And you might want to add it onto the end of the sentence before it. And I would take out the "She was small." because you already said that and it sounded repetitive.

Her dark brown hair ended just below her ears. Her eyes were dark brown and a bit obscured

Again, this sounds a bit repetitive. I would change it to "Her cropped dark brown eyes matched the eyes that fell over..." or something so that you don't repeat "dark brown" so close together. Or even if you used words like "auburn" or "chocolate" instead.

She smiled a cat's cunning smile as she spots her prey. She prowled over to me. I smiled, not minding being her target.

I like this line. Good imagery.

Her nose was very cute.

This seems out of place. Everything about her is sultry and sexy, except her nose, which would be fine, but say how it's cute. Just saying it is makes it sound out of place and doesn't give us an idea of what it looks like. Especially where all your other descriptions are really good.

I lightly showed her my room, before she sat on the bed and crossed her legs.

How can you lightly show someone something. That reads strange. Maybe you mean "casually"?

She wanted the same thing.

I would take this sentence out. It isn't really needed and ruins the flow.

A cat that's never tied down. Comes and goes as she pleases. The truest form of freedom lived in that perfect pleasing body of hers.

I love the ending. It's perfect.



Overall: Really awesome! I liked this a lot. Your style and flow is really great. I'm interested to see where this is going, so PM me when you have more up. (:

Thanks! I do notice those weak spots and I appreciate you actually reading it like an editor. I've posted the story on other sites and all I get are, 'good job', 'I love it' 'post more'. And I love that kind of feedback too, but I was really looking for some constructive criticism to help make my story and writing improve.

I finally noticed the 'she's' and 'her's'. I'll fix and edit. A lot of stuff is out of place. Again, fix and edit. And just a warning that the prologue is from an outsider's point of view. I wanted an introduction of her. A description that wasn't from her perspective so that she doesn't come across conceited.

I really like this. You give such detailed description, but let the reader imagiine somethings for themselves.
I cant wait to see where you go with this. PM me when you have the next bit up.
xxxx

While I think this piece has a lot of potential, it needs some work. Way less telling, much mroe showing, please. Your sentence structure is jerky and abrupt. I couldn't enjoy what I was reading because of it. The others have basically covered the nitpicks, so I'm just going to give you a BEFORE and AFTEr of what your first paragraph could look like, once you've edited your own way and adjusted the structures.

BEFORE

I was out having a good time at a club in Chicago with some of my house brothers. The place was called Burning Skulls. It was a rock/dance club. Breaking Dishes by Rihanna was playing, but not for long. The song changed when I saw her walk through the door. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was wearing all black; tight, revealing. She turned and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo of a Chinese character on her thin shoulder blade. She was small, but not sickly like the others. The girl had muscles, was healthy, small and perfect.

AFTER

None of my house brothers were in sight as the blue and green lights danced over the crowds in the Burning Skulls. The Chicago club was loud, hot, and amazing. I wpied some sweat off of my forehead with my sleeve, scanning the crowds one more time. The DJ shouted something in the microphone, and there was a loud cheer in response. The song had just changed when I saw her walk through the door.
She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Dressed in all black, her tank top was tight, revealing. The dark girl turned in the doorway and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo imprinted on her thin shoulder blade. She was small, but not sickly like the others. The girl had muscles, was healthy, small and perfect.
Right then and there, I wanted her.

It's rough, but you see what I mean, right?

I'm out of time, but if you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me. Good luck with your writing.

KJ