Helpless

GreatEscape wrote:So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to; they can't relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though. I've always been alone.

This is bland. For example, you use "hard" twice in the first stanza alone, and considering that it's a word that pretends to mean much but actually holds little weight, once is enough if even that.

You repeat of how people can't do this or can't do that in relation to your condition. Again, it bores. A little subtlety can never go wrong; if anything, it makes the reader think and possible come up with an appendage of the conclusion on his own. That's not happening here, and it should be. Get rid of the monotonous individual thought bubbles and connect - that is, make these flow into one another, fluidly continuous.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins, taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

Pain it may be but all I feel is numbness. These are non-images. Vague, abstract. That can be a good thing but here this whole poem is a maze of haze, so you need some concrete descriptions. "Not easy to sustain" isn't going to cut it. Why and how, and is there anyway you can allude to something more tangible so the reader can relate?

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running but finding no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.

Right now you're feeding us one-liners that are going nowhere. Really, there doesn't seem to be any concept of universal theme. Is this just about yourself and only yourself? If so, it hardly qualifies as a poem, a true poem, and needs to be expanded so that you can show how this pervades every society. I hardly think this problem is unique to you, so don't act like it and don't write like it.

Also, your rhyme is messed up. I see AABB in the first stanza, and the second one and everything else is...completely different. If you must rhyme (and I dislike basic end rhymes), then do so without appearing random and with no pattern.

Hope that helped.

hey,

Well i liked it, the rhyme i thought was clever and I imagine very hard to do. The pace I loved, i could feel it becoming more and more tense which made it atmospheric. I liked its ordngarnity I think I will remember this poem

Good stuff I'll be watching you!! hehe

see you around Brown Eyed Girl xx

Hi,
I'm going to throw out my opinion, and you can do what you will with them. I hope they come across as constructively as they are intended, if not, I apologise in advance.

First thing that brought my attention to this was the bold italics. These are good as it brings attention, but can be hard on the eyes a lot of the time, so can I suggest only use either when necessary?

The second thing that pulled me up was the structure. In all the stanzas except for the last, you have four lines, and the final one has five. Reading through your poem, I think keeping each stanza at five lines would be really helpful with its flow. Let me show you. I've dropped the bold and italics where I've adjusted.

GreatEscape wrote:So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to;
They [s]can't[/s] cannot relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though.
I've always been alone.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins,
Taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running
But find[s]ing[/s] no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.

Ok, so having it writ like this might just be me and I could also be wrong, I don't know. As I said before, take what you will, I'm just throwing it out there; and if I am wrong, someone please PM and correct me on it.
Also, having a period at the end of each line doesn't look right either. I'd make use of that comma and semi-colon throughout it too.

All that aside, I enjoyed reading your poem. It locked me in, and kept me reading through to the end. Always a good thing, don't you think?

One thing though... What are you writing about? I have no idea on what it is that is causing this pain and these feelings.

Anyway, that's all from me for now, and I hope my thoughts have somewhat helped you.

Thank you all for your reviews!

Stoney: I think I do like it better with five lines in each stanza. I wrote the poem because I feel completely overwhelmed by everything that's happening around me and to me. I don't know how to deal with the way I feel and it's all just building up. It's sort of changing who I am and either nobody cares or they're trying to downplay it. The poem is basically about me feeling helpless to the way I feel and alone because nobody is understanding. I hope that answers your question.

I love this poem because it is so relateable. Or atleast it is to me. Poems dealing with emotions are usually the strongest in my opinion, this one does a great job of showing it.

So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to; they can't relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though. I've always been alone.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins, taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running but finding no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.

i would go through a complete evaluation of what this poem means to me, but it seems quite obvious. I can relate to every word you've written here.
One nit-pick:Change it so only the sentences have uppercase letters, not every line.
Otherwise great job. This is one of my favorite poems on this site.