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The annoying chirpy voice of a radio presenter screamed out of my clock radio,
“It’s just hit 7:30 and it’s time for another Great day!”
I could think of a better word but it wouldn’t be Great or Wonderful or anything that means being Happy. It was the first time since The Accident that I had gone to school, and I was dreading it! I reluctantly pulled my duvet off, of me so I was exposed to the cold morning air, and jumped up in one swift movement grabbing my dressing gown and wrapped it around me. I gently turned the door knob so my door clicked open, and the pleasant aroma of pancakes and hot chocolate filled my lungs. It made me notice that I was slightly hungry but, I felt the tightness in my throat and the ripping sensation in my stomach first. Every morning before we went to school Marcus would come over early in the morning and have the same routine.
“Good Morning Mr and Mrs Little” Marcus said sweetly, then he would look over at me and give me his big smile, that went from ear to ear, that would make my heart flutter one hundred times it’s sped and my legs felt like jelly. I’d walk over to him and give him the biggest hug I could possibly give someone, and he’d kiss me on the forehead.
“Okay where are those scrumshish pancakes Mr little?” He would say, as he rubbed his hands together.
“Here you are Marcus just how you like them, with a little blob of Maple syrup on top.” He said as he gave me a little smirk, which I knew meant he approved of Marcus.
“Yum! Come on Anna come sit down, we can share.” He said, so sweetly and caringly that it made my heart melt.
Now as I smelt the familiar smell of the pancakes it sent the same pain through me, I knew he wouldn’t be down there. I stood there for about five minutes breathing deeply trying to unclench the feeling of the fist that was wrapped tightly around my heart. The tears ran down my face but I made no noise.
“Oh! Look. She’s crying again everybody,” Tim yelled, which made me jump. I hadn’t even heard him; He was leaning against the railing of the stairs staring at me. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was all messed up and wet. “What you’re not going to full to the ground?” he asked, sarcastically.
“Piss off!” I said, trying to make my voice sound tough and loud, but it came out barley audible and weak.
“Ooooh scary.” He said, shaking his hands next to his face, with a fake horrified look. This turned into a deep throaty laugh. Then he started to walk down the stairs. “Pfft! Pathetic.” I heard him mumble half way down. I didn’t care what he thought; he didn’t know that I had seen him at his weak moment, blubbering in the kitchen last night. I took another deep long breathe trying to free my heart from the tightness that surrounded it, and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Neither worked but I stepped forward, taking my first step towards school without him, that would be followed by many more.
*
“Pancakes.” My dad said happily, as I reached the bottom of the steps. I gave him a wobbly smile as I walked over to grab them from his outstretched hand.
“Are you sure you can eat them, without crying?” my brother said in a fake concerned voice, and big puppy dog eyes.
“What do you mean?” dad began, but then you could see that he had figured it out, and sympathy fell over his face.”Oh, honey I’m so sorry I didn’t think.”
“Don’t worry dad I’m fine.” I said trying to make my voice sound reassuring, but the way my dad looked at me with even more sympathy I knew it hadn’t worked. “Seriously I’m fine.” I said, stretching my limits and pulling a smile onto my face. He gave me a quick nod, and he put a little blob of maple syrup on top of my pancakes that were piled in front of me. The feeling of the clenched fist around my heart gripped tighter, and the lump formed bigger, in my throat. Dad looked up at me and saw my face expression, a mixture of pain and grief. And I just about heard his brain tick over and remember.
“Shit!” he said as his face screwed up and he rubbed his head with his hand. “I’m sorry Anna, I didn’t mean to I just---“
“Don’t worry about it, I’m going to go have a shower.” I said, as I got up swallowing and double swallowing trying to get rid of the lump that had gotten bigger in the last minute. I quickly rushed to the stairs and before I climbed the first step I heard my brother say,
“God! It’s just pancakes, I mean, get over it.”
*
I soon as I entered my room I collapsed on the floor, hysterical, again. I thought to myself happy now Tim I’m on the ground.
I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t I kept remembering the way he smiled when he saw me, like nothing else mattered apart from me. The way he would wrap me in his arms when I was sad, and tell me everything was going to be okay. The way his fingers would weave through mine, when we walked through school, even when his friends gave him shit about it. And the thing that hurt me the most was when I heard him whisper in my ear, the night of the crash I Love You, and the long empty silence that followed. I hadn’t said anything, I was shocked my mouth dried up and I couldn't’t form the words, even though I had said them to him millions of times in my head.
I did love him I truly did, but I didn’t say anything, and I was too late because he left my house, left me and was gone. Before he left he kissed me on the forehead and said, “See you tomorrow, at school.” But I never did, I never saw him again, and I never got to say those three words that meant so much back to him.
I sat in my room now, with my head in my knees, saying those three words over and over again, “I love You…I Love You.” I said them until my mouth was sore, and I felt arms wrap around my shoulders, for a second I thought they were Marcus’s and I had just woken up from a terrible nightmare. But when I looked my Dad was looking at me with deep sympathy.
“I loved him dad I never told him.” I sobbed.
“Its okay honey I’m positive he knew!” he said and pulled me into his arms, and I cried even more.
*
