High School Prologue

I woke to the site of daylight peeking through my wooden blinds. I threw my plaid bed sheets off and tentatively got out of the comfort of my bed. I walked down the stairs to where my mom was cooking bacon that I could hear sizzling. “Good morning,” my mom said cheerfully. I wasn’t in the mood to be cheerful getting up and all, so I just ignored her. She gave me a look, but I took the bacon and ate it with my head down. I went upstairs and picked out my clothes. Nothing unusual with what I wore today. Just a T-shirt from a sporting event I was in with basketball sports. I then walked back downstairs, grabbed my blue backpack, and headed out to walk to school.

Along the way I met up with my friend Ian. We both played on the schools varsity basketball team. “Hey, what’s up?” I asked him.

“Not much today. Ready for the game?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “We’re going to crush them.”

I played small forward on the team and I was 6’ 1”. Ian played the center. He was a beast at 6’ 7”.

We then arrived at school and went our separate ways to our lockers. I put in my combination. 20-6-32. The lock unlocked and I got my usual stuff for the morning schedule: Chemistry, Advanced Algebra, and so on. I shut my locker and walked into the crowded hallway to first period.

Yeah, you reviewed my story, so I'll review yours.

I walked down the stairs to where my mom was cooking bacon that I could hear sizzling.

I think this would sound better as: I walked downstairs and could hear the sound of sizzling bacon. Or something like that.

Nothing unusual with what I wore today.

This sentence sounds kind of weird if you read it out loud. Maybe you could say something like this: What I picked out wasn't unusual.

Just a T-shirt from a sporting event I was in with basketball sports.

I think you should re-word this sentence. Because, now, it sounds kind of funny.

Along the way I met up with my friend, Ian.

I added a comma after 'friend'.

“Not much [s]today[/s]. Ready for the game?”
The 'today' wasn't really needed.

Yeah, I think that's it for grammar and stuff. I guess I would suggest reading out loud because you had some weird sounding sentences. So, I'm interested to see where you go with this, and how you make it unique and original. Good job.

Hey, I'll be reviewing your story today!

So, I thought over all, it was okay. Prologues usually are written in a very mysterious way, that leaves the reader wanting more, or trying to understand what the author is trying to say. In this, I didn't find anything specifically attention grabbing that hinted as to some kind of plot further in the story.

Other than that, good job! I can see you have a good connection with your main character, talking about how he interacts with his mother and his friend. Keep writing! I'd be excited to see where you go with this!

=]
- girlwithquestions

Hiya!

This whole work was rather flat. We are told, point blank, what he does. The whole wonder of fiction is why people are doing something. If he's not talkative, explain that he was up late doing homework the night before. Describe the "look" his mom gives him (it's different for everybody, no matter how many teenagers get one from their parents. ).

I'd add some more descriptive words to the vocabulary here. In places such as:

The lock unlocked

"Lock" is repetitive here. You could say something like, "The locker clanged open" to get a richer description here, as well as make things less flat. You don't have to use that exact description, of course, but keep it in mind while you're describing things.

In some locations, your descriptions are good for the setting and characters:

He was a beast at 6’ 7”.

"Beast" is a very good description of this guy here.

Something minor here is your use of numbers. The above "6'7"" should be "six feet seven inches." For future reference, numbers that are easy to say, like 3,000,000, should be spelled out, three-million. If the number is hard to say/type, like 1,893,982, it should stay as a number.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey