I really like this. It is well written and interesting to read. Just one suggestion though. Try to make the news that Jay was going to break up with her a little smoother. It felt rushed to me.
But anyways great job! I enjoyed it immensely.
All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma.
“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?
Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?
Jay’s girlfriend, Isabella Hope, had been in a horrific car accident. A respectable citizen driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records; Gary. Four hours later, and here Gary was. He had finally gotten a hold of Jay, and Jay was rushing to get there.
Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there.
“Gary is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened.
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But overall, i really loved it! Keep on writing!
Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.
Rascalover wrote:Let Me Love You
Chapter One
All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma. (These two sections don't quite make one sentence as they are written. I'd suggest either splitting this into two sentences or changing the second part to start something like "which may have been because...")
“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every ('ever') get there?
Jay’s girlfriend, Isabella Hope, had been in a horrific car accident. A respectable citizen driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records; Gary. Four hours later, and here Gary was. He had finally gotten a hold (This should be one word. When you use two words, it means a physical hold) of Jay, and Jay was rushing to get there.
Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. (this phrase is repetitive. Unless that is the point, you don't even need these last few words.) Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there.
It certainly wasn’t love at first site for Isabella, but Jay slowly grew on her, and she agreed to let him take her out on a date. They have been dating for a year now and they couldn’t look more in love.
“Thank God,” Gary said as Jay ran towards him.
“Gary is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened.
“A drunk driver blind sided (I think this is one word too) her at an intersection. She’s unconscious with a mild concussion and three broken ribs,” Gary said as Jay went in Isabella’s room.
Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.
“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe don‘s wife. Only one person was allowed in Isabella’s room.
“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his hand.
“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.
No one had any idea what to say to Jay. He was just acting so weird. In talking Jay showed so little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions but this was on the verge of ridiculous. Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion.
“Jay I am so sorry. If you need anything you let us know, ya hear?” Destiny asked showing her southern accent just a bit.
“Guys, I’m fine. It’s Belle that needs to be worried about,” Jay said furthering himself into his distance.
“Okay, man. Well we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.
“Man how ya holdin’ up?” Gary asked Jay after Joe Don and Destiny had left.
“Gary, I can’t even explain to you the emotions I’m experiencing right now,”(This sounds a little overly formal. Maybe '...can't even tell you how I'm feeling right now' would flow better) Jay said running his hand through his jet-black hair.
“Try me,” Gary said trying to get Jay to talk to him.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” Jay said with a deer in the head lights look on his face.
“What do you mean?” Gary asked suddenly confused.
“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.
“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.
“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.
“Jay you can’t pretend to love her, either. If you know it’s tearing her apart like its ripping you to pieces you should talk to her when she wakes up. Not right after, but soon or she’s going to hurt a lot more when you do tell her.” Gary could not believe his cousin was in a troublesome relationship with Isabella.
Gary’s own thoughts took a turn away from everything. Ever since he had first met Isabella, he knew she was special, but he also knew she would never go for a guy like him. He had to stop himself from thinking such thoughts about Isabella when he knew in such a hard time he could be nothing more than a friend for her.
Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I suppose to do? Gary (The question mark makes more sense going after 'Gary') I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”
Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well Jay you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”
Jay leaned back in disbelief as Gary went down the hallway to Isabella’s room. Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car. Her face was nothing but bruises and scrapes. Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out (one word) the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.
Gary sat down next to her and held her hand with such gentleness. He was afraid he would break her if he held her any tighter. His best friend was lying in a coma because some unintelligent bum wanted to drink and drive. This wasn’t happening he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.
' All had been quiet in Isabella’s life''All had been quiet' makes it sound like she has been the same for a long time whereas later on you show that the accident happened very recently. Try something like 'All was quiet...' instead. Some of the dialogue sounds a little unnatural, but in an emotional situation like this people don't always talk the way they usually do, so this is okay to a point but I think you could improve the tone of the dialogue further. I'll come back and read the next few chapters when I have time.
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