Let Me Love You

Wow. This chapter is very well written. I can't really see where you're going with it, but it has me hooked. I can't wait to read the next chapter. It makes me wonder who Isabella is, what she was doing driving at that time, where Jay was that Gary couldn't reach him right away, and why Gary was the first person in her cell phone records, not Jay. I definitely didn't see that Jay was going to break up with Isabella. That part makes me wonder why Isabella didn't break up with him before, if they fight so much. Maybe she wanted to stay close to Jay so she wouldn't lose he friendship with Gary. But that's just me speculating. Keep up the great work and keep people guessing. That's what makes an amazing writer.

thank you very much im glad you enjoyed it

I think everyone's pretty much got all of the mistakes. The only problem I could find is that I got really confused after the first line (didn't take me long, lol) but just you need to go less smoothly through from what must have been years in a coma to how she got the coma in the first place.

Despite that, absolutely loved it, will be reading the other chapters!!!

I liked this story, it was quite simplistic in its lauguage but captivating as well. The only thing I would say that it would be nice to have some description in there, I don't know what the characters look like or how old they are. You could do alot with Isabella's coma, describing her lucid state...excetra excetra.

I'd like to see where this goes, whether there is anymore background story to Jay and Belle.

If you coud PM me when you get your next chapter up that would be great.

She was only in the coma for a couple of days.

Thank you and Im sorry if I got you confused

I like it, the story so far is running smoothly, there wasn't anything majorly wrong that stood out at me. The characters seem interesting and I definitely want to read more. Awesome job. I especially want to know what happens about the relationship.

Thank you

Hi! I liked it but it seemed a little short and you didn't put a lot of description. Also when you explained some things I got a little confused like near the beginning. I think it's mostly because of the grammar so you just have to watch where the commas should go and stuff. But other than that I enjoyed it and can't wait to read more. I'm glad that you have more chapters up too. Keep it up!

Thanks for your review

This is a really, really interesting story. Im not even going to attempt one of those fancy reviews, just PM me when the next peice is out :p

Key to review:

Blue: Things of interest, that need to be looked at or omitted. Of course the decision is up to you.

Red: Means I moved it around, or added it.

Bold: My comments/suggestions. I will do my best to not sound like I mean anything ill. If I fail please know that I am not used to conversation since I engage if virtually none of it. It is not nice where I live.

Also I will use smilies to keep things entertaining: "I will hammer down those pesky errors!"

All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma.

By taking out, "maybe that was" this beginning sentence will sound more realistic and powerful. And changing "because" to something like "for" or whatever word you choose it will make Isabella's situation that much graver.

“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?

This is the very first piece of dialogue. I would suggest you change the period before the quotation marks into a comma and follow by changing, "Gary Vernon was" to "Gary Vernon said," (Yes, the comma was added too)

Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.

That sounds kind of odd. Perhaps omitting just the word, "so" would be a tremendous help, but "uncontrolled" also seems out of place. Maybe you could substitute for something like, "consumed" "overtaken" or anything you come up with.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe Don‘s wife. Only one person was allowed in Isabella’s room.

I capitalized Joe's last name for you. You forgot to do so.

“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his hand.

I highly recommend you omit the second "will be" it sounds repetitive. Try reading it allowed and see what I mean. And your use of "grabbed" sounds very aggressive try, "held" instead. Sounds more emotional, no?

No one had any idea what to say to Jay. He was just acting so weird. In talking Jay showed so little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions but this was on the verge of ridiculous. Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion.

Suggest you change to "very"

“Guys, I’m fine. It’s Belle that needs to be worried about,” Jay said furthering himself into his distance.

Suggest changing "needs" to "you need" Look: "Guys, I'm fine. It's Belle that you need to be worried about," Jay said furthering himself into the distance. The ending part really confused me, it is quite difficult to understand, I suggest you tweak it, not sure what I would suggest. I'm not too good at examples.

“Okay, man. Well we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.

Sounds too sudden, no?

“Man how ya holdin’ up?” Gary asked Jay after Joe Don and Destiny had left.

I believe comas would call this place home. Agree?

“What do you mean?” Gary asked, suddenly confused.

A coma would be nice there, wouldn't it?

“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.

OK, you have a lot of these errors where a period should be a comma. If you follow quotation marks with the words "he said" or whatever you never ever use a period. Use a comma instead, or exclamation, or if it is a question use a question mark, but never a period.

“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.

Here too.

“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.

Change "making himself" to "feeling" and "to have" to "for having" highly recommended. Try reading it both ways.

Gary could not believe his cousin was in a troublesome relationship with Isabella. “Jay you can’t pretend to love her, either. If you know it’s tearing her apart like its ripping you to pieces you should talk to her when she wakes up. Not right after, but soon or she’s going to hurt a lot more when you do tell her.”

Yes, I put the ending at the beginning of the paragraph instead. And I could be wrong, but I think this would sound better if you omitted "if"

Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I supposed to do? (Add a dramatic pause? He shakes his head? Sighs?) Gary I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”

If you add something somewhere along the lines of what I suggested you can have a really heartwarming moment here. And omit "just"?

Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well, Jay, you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”

I could be wrong about adding the second comma, but I know the first one works. It makes this part seem more tense, like the guy put careful though into what he was saying, even though it may not be as thoughtful as he believes.

Jay leaned back in disbelief as Gary went down the hallway to Isabella’s room. Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car. Her face was nothing but bruises and scrapes. Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.

Those first words need to be rearranged to "had once been" and that second thing could make the sentence flow better if it read, "were" or "had been" I think... go with what you believe

Gary sat down next to her and held her hand with such gentleness. He was afraid he would break her if he held her any tighter. His best friend was lying in a coma because some unintelligent bum wanted to drink and drive. This wasn’t happening, he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.

Omit such, and you really should put the things I have in blue as italics, they are a characters thoughts after all. Added a comma too.

Final words on this:

Good beginning to a story, but you switch from one characters thoughts to another. I do the same in my book, but as you know I separate them with, "**************"

But, even if you did the same you =change very suddenly and then go back to the original protagonists thoughts in the next paragraph. You do more of this in the following chapters as well. That I believe is among the biggest flaws you have here.

But, you do have an excellent imagination, and that is a writers ultimate gift. Without it they cannot be a writer, for copy and pasting others works is plagiarism. Imagination allows you to create your own works. They start out as little ideas in your mind but they grown into immense paragraphs. Remember a flower starts out as only a seed, but it will bloom.

-It's really late, so I will have to post my review for chapter two of your story tomorrow.

-Adrian

Thanks

heya,

I'm here to review!

Characters

Isabelle- I'm sorry but thanks to her name I don't like her. Nothing personal, it's just that I have this snob in my class named Isabelle plus with the whole Twilight crap ugh I can't stand the name Isabelle. I can't really say much about her due to the fact that she's in a coma.

Gary- He's the typical best friend nice guy. VERY cliche, give him a different aspect, maybe he's been in jail? He's an alcoholic? Something that makes him diferent from all the other nice guy best friends in the world.

Jay- Wow! That was refreshing! I love love love his character. I love the twist on how he was going to break up with her, can't say I've heard that one before! I don't know but maybe he hints at cheating or something, there has to be a reason he was late...*waggles eyebrows*

Joe- I didn't get much from him. He wasn't there for a long time so I can't really say anything but maybe he left the hospital a bit early, he should have stayed a little bit longer.

Destiny- I know less about her than about Joe so I have nothing to say other than she seems like the southern belle (pun not intended)

Plot-

I'm sorry to say that this seems cliche to me. I've heard it many timess and I think I know what's going to happen, Belle will wake up, try to stay with Jay, start an affair or somehow manage to get with Gary, some sort of problem happens..maybe she gets pregnant or something, then happily ever after. I've heard this before. You've written it VERY well and your VERY VERY talented, way more than I'll ever be but it's simply just different names. Ok that was mean...sorry I did like it and I will read more of it. It's like one of those stories that even though you can guess what will happen, your probably COMPLETLY WRONG and end up loving it. I really did like this though

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

I liked this story. But you could work on developing your characters a bit more, with Jay especially it showed how he was distant but you need to be more description for example: Jay's eyes were far away and vacant. He should be worried about Belle, but he only seems scared; frightened and guilty. Like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Belle needs him. Sorry if that was a bad suggestion but there is a slight chance it may help. Keep up the great writing! Love you sig!
-SnickerDooly

Hey there Tiffany. You have been too kind and helpful to me in past few days and I would love tor return back the favor. I would review here first and then the ch-15. I didn't read others' reviews so something might get repeated.

Here we jet-speed to the reviews:

All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma.

I read the first half of the sentence and I was like it's normal but then I read the next part and it gave me a shock. This line was very perfect-you've used commom words but transformed them into a beauty.

Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?

Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney.

This sentence is a bit of blur.
Did you mean he moved here to live with his cousin and become a singer?
Then the sentence should be like: Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney.

Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville.

Okay this sentence uses 'moved' twice so just try to add another verb here. Like: Three years later, Isabella too moved to Nashville, but to become a bartender.

Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions.

It can just can be me but I didn't get hang of it. Can you PM me to explain this?

They have been dating for a year now and they couldn’t look more in love.

Shouldn't it be 'had' here until you're gonna write it in present continuous form which I don't think is the case. Just revise this sentence!

“Gary is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened

. Here you've used 'what happened'twice. We already know that he wants to know what happened so after the dialogue you can use some other word.
Like: Gary is she okay?What happened?" Jay's eyes grew wide and his hands trembled, as he stood there impatient to know the answer.(That was just a hint!)

“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himselfhe sat in the waiting room with Destiny(What an unusual name!), Joe Don‘s wife.

“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his husband's hand.

So this was a big clump of dialogue(just like mine are). Try to slow down a bit and show how Gary is speaking all this. What does his face look like, what actions he do all this while. On the other hand, you can describe Joe's and his wife's emotions or expressions while he tell them this horrifying news!

Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions but this was on the verge of ridiculous.

The red word doesn't seem to be matching with the sentence construction. Try look out for some other word.

Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion.

This was the best line till now!

“Okay, man. Well we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.

Okay this was a bit fast to mu liking. Show that Joe shakes hand with Gary or Jay or keeps his hand on one of them's shoulder. Spice up it a bit!

Not right after, but soon or she’s going to get hurt a lot more, when you do tell her.

Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it hashad been ripped out when she was thrown from the car.

So this was a nice and interesting piece, I must say Tiffany. First of all, I liked the title of this very very much. It's so intriguing and magical-there's just something about it(I won;t shut up appreciating it ). This wasn't perfect but then what in the world is perfect. You should fix all the errors others have pointed out and I have. This would make it a complete and error less piece. I could see that there were many detailed reviews here but I din't read them so if anything gets repeated, pardon me.

As someone said(I just read that review), you are telling a lot and showing a bit less. there were lots of he said, she said and so on. Somewhere there was a big dialogue where you could've added simple actions to glorify it a bit. Just make sure that you don;t bore the reader with over description of actions.

Then lots of times there was a particular word which had been repeated twice or thrice in a sentence or two neighboring ones. So that doesn't look neat. A writer's talent lies in using multiple words but at right place.
Here was one example:

Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville

You used here 'moved' three times continuously.

Then you were switching here ad there with the tenses also quite frequently whcih should checked by you only before reading it.
Like:

Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car.

You wrote here 'has' while you had to put 'had'. Just be careful next time!

Also describe more here-the bed where she lies, the room, Bella's face, the ambience and you need to work more on the characters.

Now to the good parts. Its an awesome story and you have written it perfectly. There were soem great moments here, and some great lines which I didn't forget to pick out, just for you.
Your grammar is solid except for those tenses things which must have been overlooked. And I can say that you're the only first person from the ones whom I have reviewed has no comma problem.
This was bear to perfect. And thanks for asking me to review it. It had been my pleasure! Now I'm writing so much so I'll sign off now and would straight head to the fifteenth chapter for which you officially asked a review!

Have a nice time writing this and entertaining all of us! it was amazing!

~Shubhi