A Fracture in Time {Part One}

It was a crystal clear day. The forest crisp and fresh, newly born as spring completed its cycle. The birds chirped wildly in the tree tops, animals running around. From baby rabbits to baby deer’s, they all pranced around with delight and excitement. It was a forest palace, lush grasses and beautiful, colourful flowers, of purple, red, orange, blue...
A young couple, Aurora and her prince charming, Prince Cedric, wondered the green palace, hand in hand. Cedric being a stuck up nosey boyfriend constantly challenged Aurora’s loyalty towards him and his kingdom of rule. He challenged their relationship, claiming she was still seeing her Ex. Big D (Big Bad Wolf – also featured in Little Red Riding Hood) though it was always clear of Cedric’s womanizing ways.
But everybody has their flaws; Aurora’s was the worst of all. She rhymed her words, day in, day out. Annoying Cedric, despite his shouts!
“Oh Cedric honey, would you please? Help me with my wobbly knees?” she suddenly asked, trying to balance on a fallen log.
“Will you stop rhyming? Please for my sake, if you love me honey, do not speak!” he cried, blocking his ears. Unknown to him he rhymed as well, but Aurora kept her mouth closed. She continued to walk by his side, watching him laugh at a small rodent being caught by its predator.

Another annoying trait of his, he spent all his time in his room. Who knew what he did, never spoke up because of his status. He read "magazines" and talked online. Though all his friends are male, despite those requests of those of females.

Aurora whistled as she walked, annoying Cedric, just that little more.
He walked ahead, pissed by her, then suddenly out of no-where...
a little fairy, petite in size, twirled the air around his head. She whispered "Kella marin gaye manning"
and Aurora's precious Prince disappeared in a blink.


TO BE CONTINUED

Hello! I'm going to be you're reviewer today. =]

To start off, this seems like the start of a fairy tale! I'm intrigued!

But, to get into the more critique-ish stuff;

Time Period

I was confused at when this story was taking place, because you are talking about princes and princesses, palaces, and forests. But then later, you talk about reading ''magazines'' and chatting online. Maybe stick to either the past, or the present. But then again, it is a fairy tale. I would at least make it a little more clear in how things look/are.

Grammar

From baby rabbits to baby deer’s, they all pranced around with delight and excitement.

You don't need the 's on deer. Deer is a plural in itself.

It was a forest palace, lush grasses and beautiful, colourful flowers, of purple, red, orange, blue...

I would recommend writing this sentence as such;
It was a forest palace, with lush grasses and beautiful flowers of many colors; purple, red, orange, blue...

It seems to flow better when you read it, and there isn't many commas that confuse the reader.

Characters

I'm going to give you kudos on your characters! They are quite unique and funny so far. The only thing I would have to say is describe them. A story never has too much imagery! The reader would get a better feel for what type of character each is if you describe how they look. It is more interesting to picture in your head, unless you were leaving out description to give the reader free range to imagine what they looked like.

Also, if you weren't planning on doing this in later chapters, I would explain why Aurora is staying with the prince, even though he's a complete knob. Is there some type of secret that holds her to him?

Over all, good start!! Keep writing! =]

-girlwithquestions

Heya there!

The birds chirped wildly in the tree tops, animals running around.

I don't like this sentence. There. I said it. Animals will not run around if there are people nearby. But then again, if this is some fairtytale story, this may be an exception.

Yet, I daresay, you could use some more descriptive words around the "animals running around" part. It's very telly and sounds quite childish. Sorry if I sound so mean. Rewrite it to something like this:

Overhead the birds chirped wildly, hopping from branch to branch. Animals of various sizes were grazing on the grass shoots and berries.

Using more description and showing what is going on keeps your reader hooked and it doesn’t feel so flat. Check out Breathe Life Into Scenes to help you in this

From baby rabbits to baby deer’s, they all pranced around with delight and excitement.

Major no, no here! It's not deers! Just like it isn't mooses or geeses. It's just plain ole deer. Also, this sounds quite childish. Also, why are they prancing around in excitement? Is there a celebration going on in the forest? Where are their mothers? I say, you have been watching too much Disney movies

It was a forest palace, lush grasses and beautiful, colourful flowers, of purple, red, orange, blue...

You could describe the setting differently. Make it not so telly! Try Scenery Descriptions to help you in describing your scenery.

Cedric being a stuck up nosey boyfriend constantly challenged Aurora’s loyalty towards him and his kingdom of rule.

This has that “why” factor here. Like why should we care if he challenges their relationship and why do we care if he‘s stuck up? Why does he challenge their relationship--besides the fact he thinks she still seeing the Big Bad Wolf? Also, does Cedric’s kingdom have a name? Try showing us that Cedric is stuck up. Try showing us that he challenges their relationship. Don’t tell us!

But everybody has their flaws; Aurora’s was the worst of all. She rhymed her words, day in, day out. Annoying Cedric, despite his shouts!

Please, this is so telly! Reword this so it fits into your story. So you’re showing your reader. You show Aurora’s bad habit and Cedric’s shouting in the next two paragraphs. Perhaps have Cedric say her uncanny knack for rhyming is annoying. Show us! Here check this out to help you along : Show and Tell

She continued to walk by his side, watching him laugh at a small rodent being caught by its predator.

Your characters are rather flat. You should give them more thoughts, more actions and more dialogue. All they do is rhyme, balance on logs and laugh at rodents getting eaten. Let me find you an article that may help you in developing your characters more. Here

Hopefully this will help you out with your characters to make them more believable J

Now back to that sentence. What kind of predator was it? A hawk? Perhaps a coyote or a fox? Give some more description to that.

Another annoying trait of his, he spent all his time in his room. Who knew what he did, never spoke up because of his status. He read "magazines" and talked online. Though all his friends are male, despite those requests of those of females.

I agree with girlwithquestions on this part. Is this the past or the future? I’m sure it can be a mixture of both to make it equally unique and original. But it is best to stick with one Also, this is another of those instances where you are telling instead of showing.

~~~~~

Description: You could afford to use much more description in this piece! Describe the scenery, the characters and the animals! It will make you story more realistic and draw your reader in.

Dialogue: There isn’t much talking in this piece. Put some more talking into this to make things more interesting.

Characters: Like I said above, dear. Your characters are rather flat. Give them some personalities! The only thing we know is what your characters little flaws are. But huzzah for flaws! It makes them more normal. I’ll admit, your characters are quite interesting and funny but you must give them a little more.

Overall: This is a very interesting piece. To me, it sounds like the beginning of a quirky fairy tale--another huzzah for quirks and fairy tales--and you left your reader off at an interesting spot. A nice cliffhanger. But most defiantly, you need to add more description to this and you need to develop your characters more. I know they will be developed more and more in later chapters but still, some more will do.

PM if you have any questions.

Happy Writing!

Meadow