Autumn with Violet Isadora Praude

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1692 in a small colony in America
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Jack sat in the tall grass outside his house, where the river ran through. He stood up in the milky moonlight when he heard his name being called.

"JACK!!" Sally was running to meet him. He smiled to himself. She was just a tom boy, always running around with him, getting him into all sorts of trouble he wouldn't have even thought of if she hadn't dragged him into it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked thoughtfully, as she caught her breath next to him. Her long blond hair was in a tangle and her apron was torn in one place.

"Oh just passing by. Actually, I was think I would give those old Dwindle Sisters a visit..." she trailed off, and looked at him with excited eyes.

"WHAT?? No. This is where I draw the line. I'm not going there!!" he said, stamping his foot with a dash or manliness.

"Oh come on!!" Sally said, giving him a little punch in the arm, which hurt more than Jack wanted to admit.

"Those old witches will have you brewed in some sort of stew that they'll feed to the birds!" Jack said, rattling off one of the stories that the children had come up with about the twin sisters who isolated themselves in the forest, where no one dared to go.

"Come on, scaredy cat!!" Sally said, pulling his arm along with her, but Jack pulled away. The nickname she used for him wouldn't work this time.

"No way," he said firmly, hoping Sally wouldn't go by herself, but she was too proud for that.

"Fine then. I'll go by my self," she said, crossing her arms, and walked off, towards the forest.

This last remark worried Jack. As the only "man" around, he felt that it was his job to watch over his friend, since she was only a lady. Plus, he was rather fond of her, and didn't want her to get her self in some position that he could have stopped if he had gone with her. After twenty minutes of contemplating, he set off to find her.

The woods were thick and dark, the branches shielding all signs of the moon. Jack could hardly see a thing, and he didn't know how long he had been walking when he saw the faint glow of candles in the window of a cabin. It was larger than necessary for two sisters, but that didn't concern Jack. What concerned Jack was a scream that came out of the cabin. It was a scream that was quickly muffled as soon as it was set loose, it was scream that signaled a definite danger with in the cabin, and it was a scream that sounded like Sally.

Jack ran to the window of the cabin and peaked inside. Sally was tied up to a chair, a gag around her mouth, and she was thrashing wildly.

"Would you do something about her?" Rosemary Dwindle asked irritatedly, referring to Sally's muffled calls for help. Lily Dwindle nodded and laughed, or really cackled, mumbled some words under her breath. Suddenly, Sally was silent. She was frozen, sitting upright, and the only thing that moved was her eyes, which looked frantic with fear and panic.

"I say, she would do lovely for our youth potion," Rosemary thought out loud. Lily nodded in agreement, but then thought for a second.

"Aren't we running low on virgin soul? It's so hard to come by, I think that we should use her for that," Lily said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. Rosemary cackled.

"I agree," she said and ran to one of her shelves, which housed hundreds of books of different colors and sizes. She retrieved a large, black, leather-bound book which had a curvy golden script on the cover that Jack couldn't make out.

"It's been so long since we've harvested a soul, I barely remember the spell," Rosemary said, rubbing her temple the way an old lady would if she were trying to remember the name of her first boyfriend, instead of a spell that would leave behind the limp shell of a young girl.

"NO!!!"

The two sisters turned in surprise to see Jack bound through the wind towards them. Lily only laughed and snapped her fingers, freezing him in midair.

"What have we here? A hero, coming to save this poor maiden?" she asked with a false voice of pity."What shall we do with him, sister?"

"We could always use his soul instead...but I don't know..." Rosemary said.

"Or we could come up with the best punishment: making him watch his poor maiden lose her soul," she said, circling Jack slowly.

Rosemary gave a cackle of delight. "But we can't leave him a human. He'll just tell everyone about this," she said thinking a bit.

"Right. What animal?" she asked her sister, ready to preform the magic as soon as her sister told her to.

"Well, curiosity killed the cat," Rosemary smiled smugly, and no soon had to word slipped from her lips, that Lily snapped her fingers again and Jack was transformed into a black cat. Sally's eyes filled with tears as she desperately tried to say something, but the magic was too strong for her.

"Now, where were we?" Lily asked her sister, who opened the book, which she still held gingerly.

After skimming a few pages, Rosemary pointed to a passage. "Here we are," she told her sister, who ran to her side with a small glass jar she had conjured out of nothing.

"Close her eyes and grieve her hear, come like shadows so depart," they chanted the phrase together twice and as they did, a white fog grew out of Sally's chest as the life inside of her faded. Jack hissed wildly, spitting and scratching at the sisters' legs.

"Blood scoundrel!!" Lily shrieked, kicking Jack so that he hit his small head against a inconveniently placed table, knocking him out cold.

"Quickly, Lily! Get the soul before it passes on!" Rosemary shouted as the white fog went upwards slowly.

Lily popped the cork out of the jar and began to swing it around, as though she were trying to capture a butterfly. "GOT IT!" she shouted triumphantly.

"You had better charm it so that when this one wakes up, he wont free it," Rosemary said calmly and Lily nodded.

"Right right. Nor beats, nor filthy mortal touch," she said and suddenly a small sphere formed around the jar.

As Sally's body slumped over, and Lily hid the jar safely in a cupboard, there was a knock on the door.
The two sisters exchanged nervous glances. Rosemary peaked out the window and gasped as a torch was shoved in her face.

"OPEN UP!" a crowd of the angry villagers shouted. But before the two could even move, the door was forced open.

"Rosemary and Lily Dwindle, you are charged with witchcraft," one of the villagers said.

"Oh Goodness!!! It's Sally!" one of the villagers shrieked, pointing to the corpse tied up in the chair.

The villagers burst into a frenzy and captured the two sisters, no one noticing the cat lying in the corner. That night, the Dwindle sisters were hung, but the smug smile never left their faces, for they knew they would be able to come back, especially with Jack bound to earth until he finished his "unfinished business". Yes, it was only a matter of time.

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this story is loosely based on a disney movi, but I swear, its just the setup. It gets better. And i did the Jack and Sally think on purpose, as long with using a spell from Macbeth.
Last edited by poketheprincess on Tue May 05, 2009 8:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"she had ADOS: attention deficit ooh shinny"




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That was a good start! As i was reading it, I was like...wait, this sounds like a Disney movie I've seen before. And then you said that at the bottom and I was like, oh yeah! =]

It's pretty good! All I have to say is that I think you should put more detail into it. It would set a more eerie feel to the Dwindle Sisters if you described the cabin, maybe the weather and time of day when Jack is looking for Sally. Also, to describe what the Dwindle Sisters look like. I mean, they could be any type of witch. The ones that are really ugly, and you totally have a suspicion about thembecause they're so haggard looking. Or, they could be the type that is stunningly pretty, but still mysterious in how they are kept up in their house all the time. Adding some kind of description would develop their characters more, and put better imagery into the readers head.

Lastly, I found myself thinking that it all happened very quickly. At one moment Jack and Sally were together, and then all of a sudden Jack was a cat and a villager was busting into the cabin. Maybe put more into the story about how Jack was feeling when he saw Sally tied to the chair, or how frightened Sally was that she got captured by the witches. I think the scenario that most needed something was when Sally had her soul sucked out. It all happened very fast.

Over all, I think you just need more detail. But I definitely see a story coming on here! PM me if you need any help, and also when the next chapter comes out. I'm already a fan! =]

Happy writing!
- girlwithquestions




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1962 in a small colony in America


My only criticism is that I think the time period is wrong. I think you might want to go a little further back. Everything else was pretty good.




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oh gosh thanks for that!!! im some what dyslexic and i hadn't caught that!!
"she had ADOS: attention deficit ooh shinny"




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Hey! This story is very good. I'm really enjoying it. Umm, there are some teeny-tiny things that need to be fixed though.

"What are you doing here?" he asked thoughtfully,
Umm, right here, I'm not sure if thoughtfully is the right word to describe what he's asking. Try curiously or something like that. :D

I'm not going there!!" he said, stamping his foot with a dash or manliness.

I think you mean of dear. :D

I'll go by my self,"

Myself is one word. :D Simple mistake. :D

As the only "man" around

I'm not so sure if you need quotes around man. I dunno. You choose. :D

Sally was tied up to a chair, a gag around her mouth, and she was thrashing wildly.

I'm sorry, but I have to say, I'm not so sure you can scream with a gag in your mouth. But you know the story. :D

he wont free it,"

I believe it's won't dear. :D

Nor beats, nor filthy mortal touch,"

Umm, is that supposed to be beasts? I wasn't quite sure.

Well, overall I thought this story was great! A gold star for you!! I can't wait to read more. Be sure to let me know when you post the next part! :D
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.




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Heya there!

First off, I just want to say I really enjoyed this piece. I don't know what Disney movie you were talking about so it's all new to me :)

Jack sat in the tall grass outside his house, where the river ran through. He stood up in the milky moonlight when he heard his name being called.


Oh come now, dear! You can do better than this. Were there any trees by his house? Was his mother inside? Also, why would he and Sally be out in the middle of the night anyways? Does Jack always sit outside by the river? If so, please tell us ^_^

"JACK!!" Sally was running to meet him.


This is just my own opinion as I don't like caps in stories. It just seems like she's really scared and screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to save her. So you don't have to change it unless you want to ;) But, you could nix one of the exclamation marks.

She was just a tom boy, always running around with him, getting him into all sorts of trouble he wouldn't have even thought of if she hadn't dragged him into it.


This is a long sentence. Don't fret over it, just keep an eye out for unnessacarily long sentences. I'll show you where you can break this up:

She was just a tomboy. Always running around with him, getting him into all sorts of trouble. Trouble he wouldn't have even thought of if she hadn't dragged him into it.

Long sentences have a tendency to lose their effect after a few commas ;)

"What are you doing here?" he asked thoughtfully, as she caught her breath next to him. Her long blond hair was in a tangle and her apron was torn in one place.


Did she put her hands on her knees, bending over and huffing? Was her apron dirty and what colour was her dress? It's always nice to know little details like this ^_^ You don't have to put all the details together in one large clump--info dumping--but show them gradually.

"Oh just passing by. Actually, I was think I would give those old Dwindle Sisters a visit..." she trailed off, and looked at him with excited eyes.


What are colour are her eyes? Excited purple eyes? Green, grey?

"WHAT?? No. This is where I draw the line. I'm not going there!!" he said, stamping his foot with a dash or manliness.


You could probably take the caps off and defiantly nix one of the question marks. You could show more of Jack's tone if you put a exclamation mark behind no. One of those extra exclamation marks could be nixed too ;) Also, I think you meant to say "of manliness" not or ^_~

"Oh come on!!" Sally said, giving him a little punch in the arm, which hurt more than Jack wanted to admit.


Nix one of those exclamation marks!

"Those old witches will have you brewed in some sort of stew that they'll feed to the birds!" Jack said, rattling off one of the stories that the children had come up with about the twin sisters who isolated themselves in the forest, where no one dared to go.


Hmm, you could actually separate this into two sentences. Just say "Sally knew that he was just rattling off blah, blah, blah." See? Also, the comma after forest is probably useless there ^_^

"No way," he said firmly, hoping Sally wouldn't go by herself, but she was too proud for that.


You could make the bolded part its own sentence.

"Fine then. I'll go by my self," she said, crossing her arms, and walked off, towards the forest.


Myself is just one word ;) The last part there bugs me. Something like this will flow better and not look so clustered:

"Fine then. I'll go by my self," she said, crossing her arms. She turned on her heel and stalked off towards the forest.


Plus, he was rather fond of her, and didn't want her to get her self in some position that he could have stopped if he had gone with her.


Herself is one person.

After twenty minutes of contemplating, he set off to find her.


Sure took him awhile to figure out what to do ^_^

It was a scream that was quickly muffled as soon as it was set loose, it was scream that signaled a definite danger with in the cabin, and it was a scream that sounded like Sally.


It was a scream, it was a scream. Sorry dear, but it gets quite repetitive after awhile, eh? The comma after "loose" should be turned into a period. The third "it was a scream" could be nixed and you could say something like "and it sounded like Sally."

Jack ran to the window of the cabin and peaked inside.


*gasps* The details of the cabin! What does it look like? They're witches, wouldn't there be some kind of garden? Is there smoke coming out of the chimney?

"It's been so long since we've harvested a soul, I barely remember the spell," Rosemary said, rubbing her temple the way an old lady would if she were trying to remember the name of her first boyfriend, instead of a spell that would leave behind the limp shell of a young girl.


Another long sentence. Actually this is the longest one yet. *clears throat* After "Rosemary said" the comma could be a period. Rubbing can be turned into she rubbed. It shortens everything down ^_^

"NO!!!"


Remember, just my opinion on the caps. But the two extra exclamation marks, tsk, tsk. You know what to do ;)

The two sisters turned in surprise to see Jack bound through the wind towards them.


Wind? I think you meant window. Also, did you mention the window being open or did I miss that?

"Well, curiosity killed the cat," Rosemary smiled smugly, and no soon had to word slipped from her lips, that Lily snapped her fingers again and Jack was transformed into a black cat.


Well Jack was in midair, say that the black cat hit the floor and scurried under a bench or something. Give us some more detail and don't skim over stuff like this. You don't need every detail but this is a good story! Adding more details--even minor ones like this--improve your story more.

Nix "and" and turn "soon" into sooner. The comma after smugly has to be turned into a period too ;) You need an "s" on the end of "word" because Rosemary spoke more than one word.

"GOT IT!" she shouted triumphantly.


Caps! These ones you don't need. We can tell she said it in a loud voice by the dialogue tag you placed at the end.

"Blood scoundrel!!"


Bloody scoundrel. Not blood ^_^ Nix the other exclamation mark.

As Sally's body slumped over, and Lily hid the jar safely in a cupboard, there was a knock on the door.

The two sisters exchanged nervous glances. Rosemary peaked out the window and gasped as a torch was shoved in her face.


"OPEN UP!" a crowd of the angry villagers shouted. But before the two could even move, the door was forced open.


"Rosemary and Lily Dwindle, you are charged with witchcraft," one of the villagers said.


"Oh Goodness!!! It's Sally!" one of the villagers shrieked, pointing to the corpse tied up in the chair.


The villagers burst into a frenzy and captured the two sisters, no one noticing the cat lying in the corner. That night, the Dwindle sisters were hung, but the smug smile never left their faces, for they knew they would be able to come back, especially with Jack bound to earth until he finished his "unfinished business". Yes, it was only a matter of time.


This happens so fast! Where the heck did the villagers come from? The caps aren't needed and along with the two extra exclamation marks after goodness.

~~~~~

Characters: You could describe the lot of them a whole lot more. We know that Sally has (or had) blonde hair and a torn apron. But what else? Jack is blank (except when he's a cat). The witches are also blank. Are they beautiful witches or ugly old hags? I agree with girlwithquestions on this part.

Setting: Your setting--the field by the river, the forest, the cabin--all need more description. Let me find an article which will help you describe everything better: Scenery Descriptions Hopefully it helps ;)

Overall: This is an interesting piece! I really enjoyed reading it. Just look for those long sentences and use more description! This has a lot of potential and I can't wait to read more.

PM when the next chapter is up and if yo have any questions.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"



"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar