Human Desire

For a while I didn't know what to title this piece, but after dwelling on it for a while, I came to "Human Desire" as I think that every person at one point or another in their life goes through feeling these thoughts and/or emotions.


Human Desire

All I want to do is run away
And leave my problems in this town
All I want to do is fly away
And leave my troubles on the ground

In this moment
Of my affliction
In you can I reside?
In this moment
I can't be without you
I need you by my side.

Freedom within
Freedom without
All our shattered dreams
Lay scattered on the ground
Freedom within
Hope without
A promise is life
Breaking on muddy ground.

The sun is rising
A new day unfolds
And my nightmares turn to dust
The empty pages
Of my life
Have now been filled with you, my love

In this moment
Of my easement
In you I confide
In this moment
I can't resist you
I have you by my side

Love within
Love without
Any barriers and we can fly
Love within
And Hope lives on
Bringing joyous days
Ahead in our lives

Hey 'Stoney. Long time no see. Actually, I don't think we've met all at before. So hello! I'm Eimear.

Good lyrical poem. You really had room to express yourself in this. I loved the structure. The repetition was very effectively used in places. The opening could use some work though. Without punctuation it lacks the energy to get the reader really interested. I'm not suggesting major changes, maybe just a comma and a full stop here and there. In fact, the whole poem could benefit from punctuation.

For example:

All I want to do is run away

and leave my problems in this town.

All I want to do is fly away

and leave my troubles on the ground.

I loved the repetition you used though. The restlessness the speaker had really spoke to me. Some things I found difficult to digest though. For example, the rhyming got in the way sometimes.

In this moment

Of my torment

It kind of felt like you were forcing those two words to rhyme. Can you think of another word to use other than torment? Something maybe to display torment better? That way, you would be showing more too. Developing.

Some lines were a little clichéd. I'd revise this:

The empty pages

Of my life

Have now been filled with you, my love

You raised a lot of themes in this poem. I liked the title, because I felt like you suggested a lot of human desires, but sometimes, they confused me a little bit. I think...it was about loving someone, and missing them? Is that what the love within, love without- line was about? This is just me rambling on though, take no notice. I thought it was a good poem- but you could develop on your structure, on your poetic devices and your punctuation.

I'd give it a 6.5/10.

Hope this helps.

PM me if you have any questions about my review!

Eimear.

*Reads through* *Taps chin* Rather good, actually.

One thing. The rhyming. Wayyy forced.

Fix it or drop it, that's all I can say. It's got this particular spark, this poem, got soemthing behind it, vivacity, life, but the rhyming structure flattens that, brings it from alive to something sounding oddly.. amateur> Not horrendous at all, no, but, just it'd be better off without what you've done there.

That 'reside' and the 'side' just make me snap my fingers and go 'dang, that coulda been so much better', you know?

Anyway, rhyming aside, let's get to the poem itself. I'm getting lost and refound love, right?

I rather like the 'the mepty pages of my life/have now been filled with you' but I'm not so sure about the 'my love' it gets a little saccharine, a little trite. But, then again, I'm very very fussy about my love poems.

Buuut yeah. Nice strong poem, good imagery, well chosen, simple language, just brought down by that rhyming structure a notch.

Keep it up! Good luck with everything.
~ Schem

Hello! There is a couple things that bugged me like...

In this moment
Of my torment

I agree with Eimear, if you could find a different word to rhyme it would so better. This sounds forced.

And all our shattered dreams

I'm not sure the purpose for the and in this stanza, and I think if you took it out it would create more rhythem.

The sun is rising
A new day unfolds
And my nightmares turn to dust

Just wanted to say I love this part.


So, overall, great job! It's tricky to rhyme and there is a couple things that you could tweak a little, but the fact that you did rhyme, nice job. Usually I lose my patience if I try to rhyme efficently in my poems. Great job with the repetition! It defiantly added to the rhythem and overall structure.

Happy writings!
~Mateeah

I loved this!

It was really cool and I really did love it. It was so dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was incredible in my opinion. It's full of loads of different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first line of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x

Okay,

So after a few of you commented on the "Torment" part, I decided to rack my brain for another word to replace it with and came up with "Affliction" - I hope this does the job a little better. I also erased the word "And" at the start of "And all our shattered dreams" because after re-reading it, I had to agree with mateeah3 on this point.

Appreciate the feedback though, guys. Keep it coming.

Cheers!

I loved this!

It was really good and I loved it. It was so dramatic and it really made me think about all of what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was really good in my opinion. It's full of loads of different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first line of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that! I really like the title as well!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x