Sometimes, Pain Works

I will be updating this thread with my other entries for Cal's contest. This is my first one.

Masquerade – From Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

004. Mask

At 10:04 pm, there was a woman dying in a motel bathroom.
She was clutching the seat of the toilet, holding it in her arms like she would a baby. Her face was pressed against the cold porcelain.
There was a man standing in the bathtub. The shower curtain was pulled off the rod. The water was still running, but the man, fully dressed, stood there feeling dominant. He had been holding a shard of glass from the bathroom mirror.
It was now in the dying woman’s gut.
Cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure if the woman was dead yet, he slowly lifted his leg out of the tub.
Then the other.
He could see the watery trail of blood that she had left. It stained the tiled floor like memories. He could smell her panic. It was not the average panic either, like when someone loses their baby at a park, or when someone is pulled over with a dead body stowed away in their trunk.
This smelled like poison.
Like a trap.
She wasn’t dead, was she?
He bent over, water dripped from his clothes onto her body. She didn’t seem to be breathing. But, of course, she was on a swimming league. Knowing how to hold her breath for long amounts of time was a crucial part in the sport.
He reached out his arm and took her wrist. There were a few minor scars tracing up and down her arm, but those were from years ago. He checked her pulse.
There was a sudden blow to his legs and he doubled over onto his knees. The woman reached out and grabbed his face, violently trying to tear away chunks of his face. Her long nails pierced his skin, squeezing it, slicing into it.
It stung.
It stung like hell.
He beat her. He pounded sense into her.
“Please-” she tried to say, but was cut short by a fist in her mouth. One of her front teeth was holding on by a thread.
“What do you want?” she managed to spit out. “What? Please, for Gods sakes, please tell me what you want!”
“Whore,” I told her. “I want you to shut up. This would be much easier if you’d shut up.”
“Chris, I never cheated on you!”
His hand wandered down her chest and grabbed the piece of mirror stuck in her. When he attempted to grab it, it cut through his hand. But, he knew, it was now or never.
With a sickening lurch, he slid the glass out of her gut, and pounded it into her again. She coughed blood and grabbed his hair and pulled, sending his nerves on end.
He held the jagged weapon there for another moment or two. Her hands were loosing their tension, and she was still.
At 10:08, a man left the motel, smiling and free.

Hey Jared! I don't think I've ever critiqued anything of yours, although I do know I've read a couple pieces. I'll try my best at this particular (and very short?) excerpt.

Now, I'm only assuming that this ends here; you aren't planning on having any of your other entries for Cal's contest follow these same characters and/or storyline, are you? I ask simply because the answer would affect the points I'd make in this crit. However, I'll go ahead and critique it based on the assumption that this isn't to be continued. Mm-kay?

The shower curtain was pulled off the rod.

I thought this was an interesting thing to mention, especially since it doesn't have an obvious connection to anything. I'm tempted to tell you just to cut it, because it seems trivial and unnecessary, but something about the line makes me curious.

Why, exactly, is the shower curtain pulled off? I think that's something you could explore. Maybe subtly provide some sort of explanation to that. Given that the man used the mirror to kill her, I couldn't connect that to the murder itself. It seems to lend itself to a struggle beforehand, which is another topic entirely you could mention.

She was clutching the seat of the toilet, holding it in her arms like she would a baby

like when someone loses their baby at a park

I wonder at the double-mention of a baby. I didn't think anything of the analogy the first time, but once I read the second one I notice it. I'd suggest changing one of them, so as to avoid being repetitive.

“Chris, I never cheated on you!”

The attatchment of a name onto this murderer/lover doesn't really fit with the tone of the piece. You're giving us the bare essentials of the scene, and I think the overall effect would be stronger if you didn't add this 'Chris' there. Odd as it may sound, putting a name to this character makes him seem farther away from the readers. Or at least, farther away from him. I think the last things you need to add to this scene are names.

At 10:08, a man left the motel, smiling and free.

I would change 'smiling and free' to something that lends itself more towards indifference than happiness. This is not a happy occasion, because even though your murderer may be happy in the death, he had to have been extremely unhappy with the relationship int the first place to take such drastic action. Or, yeah, he could be (and probably is) insane. Still, though, 'smiling and free' definately does not fit in with the tone of the writing, no matter how stark raving bonkers this guy is. It would be more realistic just to say he acted as if he had done just a trivial thing.

Overall

Altogether, I did enjoy it. I always have a hard time deciding whether I think things are too ambiguous or pleasantly myseterious-- this, though, I think explained just enough things to make it properly suspenseful and still really, really vague. Without that one sentence about her cheating on him, I think the story wouldn't have enough infromation for the reader, but we don't want to hear their entire life either. So, overall, well done! I look forward to reading (and hopefully mustering up the courage to review?) more of your writing.

PM me for anything.

~Evi

Hey Jared, first off, I want to say that the song Masquerade is by far one of the most inspirational songs I’ve ever heard and I never would have expected it to be taken this way, but I’m definitely not complaining.

At 10:04 pm, there was a woman dying in a motel bathroom.

What first struck me was the opening line. It’s such a simple line yet it strikes the reader and it holds onto you. It makes me want to know the how’s and why’s of her story.

Cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure if the woman was dead yet, he slowly lifted his leg out of the tub.

Two little nitpicks I want to make. First off, when you read this, it sounds clumsy. One reason is that you over-use the word “if”. I would change the second ‘if’ to ‘whether’. The other is due to the words slowly. If you remove the words between the commas, (the appositive phrase) the rest of the sentence should still read normally. However, when you do that with your appositive phrase, then the sentence reads “Cautiously he slowly…” and I think you’ll agree this doesn’t exactly sound the best. I would choose to keep one or the other, but not both.

It stained the tiled floor like memories.

I really enjoy this line. It’s a simple descriptive sentence that contains a lot of power.

Knowing how to hold her breath for long amounts of time was a crucial part in the sport.

This is just me being nitpicky again but ‘in’ would sound best as ‘of’.

The woman reached out and grabbed his face, violently trying to tear away chunks of his face.

His is an overuse of the word ‘face’. Perhaps try rewording the sentence so that it is only used once.

But, he knew, it was now or never.

I’m going to just simply say, way, to, many, commas.

She coughed blood and grabbed his hair and pulled, sending his nerves on end.

The first “and” should, for the sake of sentence flow, be a comma. The addition of one after “hair” would be awesome.

Other than that stuff, and what Evi said, there isn’t much else I can comment on. I like the idea of this story though and the direction you took it with song that you chose as well as what the contest guidelines gave you to work with. Overall, it could definitely use some work but it’s not bad. I’ll keep an eye out for updates.