To My Father

To My Father

A small boy, looking up
sees his father smiling down
and he knows that he is loved.
For his heart is of golden
affection and diamond love.
His father’s legs are amusement rides,
and his whiskers scratch
the boy’s face.
He laughs, and everyone smiles.
there are days spent of learning
life, and relaxing to
its smooth rhythm.
All of this is beautiful, and the father
is there.

The boy finds himself too big
to ride on legs.
Yet he still feels small
when he looks in the mirror
and sees his own whiskers
growing.

Weellll...I liked it, up to a point. Specifically, up to "He finds himself imitating him". To begin with, its great, from a unique sort of perspective and the simplistic line break-up makes it seem like its from the little boy's POV, you know? But half-way through you spoil it by becoming trite. "In the glorious fashion/of old" doesnt fit with your rhyme scheme and it seems a bit overblown. I'd tone it down a bit. And the rest is a bit preachy, IMHO. Surely you can show us this is how he feels without telling us? Its a bit too straightforward for my personal taste. Also, you could change "loved" in the third line to something elsel, so it doesnt sound too repetitive. You have the potential for a great poem here, though, so dont give up on it

Hey thanks. I do say, you are correct.

Yeah well.... My relationship with my father being as it is (although I'm a daughter not a son), I will say this:
It's a cliche. It doesn't flow great. It's nothing special.
Sorry to be a cow.

Wow. I like all the imagery. Your dad must be nice.

That boy's incredible lucky to have that father. When I think of all the kids these days that have a father and their dads couldn't care less about them it makes me feel worse about not having one.

I thought it was great. Amazing creativity and imagery. I disagree with Sophie. I don't have a great relationship with my father but your poem gives me hope that others out there are able to feel love from their fathers. And that gift is very special.