Losing Touch (i)

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for cal's contest

Song: Losing Touch (The Killers)

022. exodus

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I.Characters and some events transpiring on August 1st

1.) (1975) The daughter. Rouged up cheeks, slender, throated wrists, and plunging neckline, revealing topography of secret and whim. Ugly eyes. Always been told that, suspected that. Black, nonsense things. Rummaging, thorough, unbearable. They sit in her sockets, big and shiny as black widow bodies. Red hourglass. She turns it, turns it. Her fingertips are busted. She can't feel a face. She can't touch lips. She stops to press them to the glass of the storefronts along jackson ave., along with her nose. Tiptoed. Almost rising out of her heels to see past the display – fingerprints and fogged up breath. Her fingers can feel the glass, but only the glass. Cold, smooth, bodiless. Like the surface of a lie. Inside the store, the salespeople shrug, quote, measure. They rush, red-faced, white-skinned, like nurses around a laboring woman. She eyes the mannequins with their dainty ankles and their knowing eyes, sophisticated scarecrows, and she moves on. She wants to go and hide somewhere. She wants to cry. She wants to hide and cry and let all her tears collect, drain, fall around her feet, dappled, tarnished. But you musn't, musn't. Big girls. Big girls musn't cry. Big girls hold it in, store the tears like grain in a silo. Keep it, let it grow, ferment, poison. You're a big girl, Margaret. Scaffolded lips, holding up her face. She doesn't carry a handkerchief. She walks slow, the big iron grilles in front of the closed up stores with their obscene, humorless grins, and folds the hopelessness up inside of herself. The faces of the people on the street, sinking into their coats. They pass like planets. There are suns somewhere in the city tonight. Their pull, gravity swinging them along, but not her. She moves out of orbit, out of sync. Spinning, spinning. Dr. Hubert lives on 124th street, suite 43, with the welcome mat outside the door and the broken doorbell. The corners and the avenues leading there are jointed, angled like elbows. She hums a song. Something new, hip. Her heels click, click, click.

2.) (1960) The Father. Lived in Boston his whole life. Can't stand the sight of it. The tight, sequenced streets. Hurried, scrubbed people. Slatted moonlight, drunk sun. The thin wasp-waisted women. The prominent flab-armed men. Neat houses. The harbors clinging and lonely, the bell-lipped mercantiles, ships coming in and out like bees weighed down with pollen. The cops in their blue. The preachers and the teachers, holy hands and the measured chalk strokes. The church steeples inspecting the sky, like tongue depressors. He holds his breath. He draws aside the shades. He looks out the window. There is a park across the street and the playground equipment rusts and sags, swing sets let down, clinking against the metal support poles that are bent, segmented like daddy-long-legs. There are people down at the door. Two men, impeccable. Suited and bland faced. Respectable mustaches and brown-skinned, lapped suitcases. Knocking, all fists. They have rimless spectacles. They stand there like undertakers. Representatives, smooth cheeked and calm. The death on their lips and tongues. Measuring fingers. Imagining what kind of handles, silks, chemicals for his burial. Rosewood for a man of such respectable standing. Inlaid silver handles. Empty him of his blood and guts, fill him full of formaldehyde and sulfur. He wrings his hands. He is a nervous man [psychoanalysis and session transcripts for Robert Schumacher: pg 15]. The walls sag with their tacky paper. They reveal thin cracks in the plaster, twining, spidering. The walls contract on him like a diseased lung. The smutty cancer in the window panes and the naked light bulbs and the dusty travel cases. The men will go away eventually. They will leave and come back with the blue cops and neat warrants. He sits up against the wall and thinks. Calm his mind, smooth it out. He licks his lips.

3.) (1959) The mother. Small woman, with grace and prudence shaping the gullies and hollows of her face. Graying hair, fuzzy ear lobes. Her eyes are sour as pills. Her fingers are syringes, her words like brown-bottled medicine. A creaky, respectable old language that frequents her tongue. She loves the bible more than her husband and child. She cocoons herself in verses and the feeble, antennaed voices of Old Testament prophets. Weak chinned, big hipped. She has a scar on her forehead [refer to medical records for Lane Pfenning (pt. #3287) at Providence Community Hospital, Ferndale, WA]. Wide maternity, surfaced femininity. She reads the newspaper every morning, looking for signs of The Second Coming. She circles reports of plagues, wars, and protests and ugly, perverse sin throughout the paper with a red marker. Trims out the clippings. Keeps them in a book. Her fingers flicker, startle, unsettled as horseflies. Her touch distills down Margaret's back – slippery, wormy. She likes to feel Margaret. She likes to feel the notches in her spine, the clamminess of her underarms, the valleys and canyons of her feet. She says that Margaret reminds her so much of herself when she was young. She touches, touches. The touch clings, attaches, remains, like sluggish insects stuck to flypaper. On hot days, like this one, she works outside on her garden. The bald, limbless seeds plugged into holes. Her papery hands, smoothing the dirt. She wears a straw hat. Her knees moist, dirty. Margaret plays tentatively. The mother smiles at her and waves and Margaret waves back and picks lap-tongued dandelions. Hazy, tincan sky. Tattling insects, pulling, chirping. With the sharp end of the trowel, the mother cuts the long, pink earthworms she digs up in the garden soil. They writhe. She smiles and watches. But the smile goes away.

II.) Dialogue between Dr. Phillip Hubert and Margaret Harris (August 1st, 1975/ 08:24 PM)

[Hubert]: Something urgent, Margaret?
[Harris]: Yes.
[Hubert]:Take a seat. There we go. So, what's the trouble? Would you like to talk about it?”
[Harris]:Yes. I...I think I'm losing feeling in my fingers. I can't feel anything but glass anymore. I can't feel the texture of this chair, a tree, a wall. It's gone.
[Hubert]: Nothing but glass, huh? When did this begin?
[Harris]: Last week, I guess. I was at the grocery store. They're letting me out like that, you know. I feel better helping out anyway. I feel like I'm a real person, you know? I'm not like those sorry, brainless vegetables in the halls with their loose jaws and their nightgowns. It's a nice feeling. They let me go pick up groceries for the Friday night supper. I was in the produce aisle, see? I was looking at a head of lettuce. The little sprinklers turned on, the one's that keep the leaves fresh and wet, and then I couldn't feel the lettuce anymore. It...It was like I knew I was holding something – I could see it – but my fingers weren't attached to my brain or something. Like some circuits were fried or something. Strangest thing. I put my hand under the sprinklers. I could feel the water on my arms, my wrists and hands, but not my fingers. I went around the store touching things, people. Thought I was having a stroke. You know, my mother had a stroke. She said that when she had the stroke it felt like her arms weren't attached to her body nomore, like they were floating away. I was terrified that maybe I was having a stroke or something, maybe they're genetic, and I ran around all worked up until some clerk took me to a back room and I was asking for a doctor and he said, sure ma'am, sure, just calm down and I'll call a doctor and he went into another room and called for a doctor and I put my fingers to the glass window and I could feel that. But only the glass. Smooth and cool. The doctor examined me and poked me and prodded around and said he couldn't find jack squat. He said I was healthy as a horse and I told him no, doc I can't feel my fingers and he asked me if I'd been bit or something by like a bug or if I had heart problems. I said no and he kept telling me I should go home and rest a little bit and call him if I still can't feel my fingers in a couple days.
[Hubert]: And you have no idea why you're fingers have gone numb?
[Harris]: Not a clue.
[Hubert]: Something to do with your mother?
[Harris]: I don't think so.
[Hubert]: She had a stroke. They are genetic. Maybe you think that you'll have a stroke, too.
[Harris]: I don't think so.
[Hubert]: They're dead, Margaret. Your parents are dead.
[Harris]: Yeah, I know.
[Hubert]: They don't control you anymore. She's gone. He's gone. There's nothing of them left. You can burn it all. The pictures, the feelings, the clothing. You can move out of their house. You can let go of them. Throw them away. Tear every godawful page out of her godawful bible and spit on their graves. Start over. And then you'll get your fingers back.
[Harris]: Sure, doc.
[Hubert]: You don't sound convinced.
[Harris]: Doc, I can't get rid of her. There's no way. She's always there, in the dark places, in the shadows, in the hymns and the Christmas songs. I can't burn those memories. I can't burn off the feeling of her touch. Godssakes, you know I would if I could. I'd burn down this whole city.
Last edited by Kylan on Tue May 12, 2009 2:00 am, edited 2 times in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Ky! I can't believe I'm first up. This has been sitting here all day, and I've been eying it, and I would've sworn people would've beat me to it. You've grown to be a daunting writer -- it's hard to critique your works. :wink:

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1.) (1975) The crazy one/the daughter. Fifteen years later.

I can see from this start this is an experimental format, almost script-like. I'm curious as to what you're referencing when you say "Fifteen years later" -- it's fragmented by itself, not referring to anything, but is integrated into her description. So it's describing her, but fifteen years later from what? I just found this odd, and in my uncertainty I thought I would just detail my thoughts on this.

Always been told that, suspected that.

How does she suspect something that she's always been told?

Tip toes.

Tiptoes is one word, unless the "tip" is describing the "toes" -- which is an awkward description.

2.) (1960) The Father. Fifteen years ago.

Okay, with this bit, the fifteen years later makes sense... from birth... though I still feel like these sentences are very questionable to include in these descriptive paragraphs.

He is a nervous man [psychoanalysis and session transcripts for Robert Schumacher: pg 15].

Do I sense some Mark Danielewski in this? It just seems like his stuff, right here. Anyway, I really like this -- alluding to something professional, makes it seem more unsettling, like this has been analyzed before us and we need to put the pieces together. Neat stuff.

She likes to feel the notches in her spine

Hm? By any chance, do you listen to Neutral Milk Hotel? This is totally a line from one of their songs, and it would be awesome if their imagery was inspiring yours. ^_^

[Hubert]: They don't control you anymore. She's gone. He's gone. There's nothing of them left. You can burn it all. The pictures, the feelings, the clothing. You can move out of their house. You can let go of them. Throw them away. Tear every godawful page out of her godawful bible and spit on their graves. Start over. And then you'll get your fingers back.

This comes on quite suddenly. I thought this seemed like an early sessions type scenario (like the doctor was asking questions to determine her overall problem for seeking help), based on some of the questions he asks before, but now this shows that he must really know her well. He knows her relationships with her parents and what they were like. So, he must be a therapist, and he knows her very well, yet the latter part doesn't come across too well, so this seemed very abrupt, this sudden conclusion on his part.

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First and foremost, I really love the format you're using to go about with this story. It's vignette-like, except not, and I think it's exceptionally clever, although it makes the reading a little more harder to follow compared to the typical story format, but I find this better. I feel like I'm piecing puzzle parts together, and it's gratifying to read and try to understand.

Concerning the plot, I'm going to lay low until I read the second part, because right now it seems the majority of this was character sketches, and they appear to go in order (This is the daughter, and I'm guessing the father is next). I'm a bit confused by the sixteen year later, fifteen years ago lines, BUT I'll stop fussing over that and just read the next part and see how those lines play out in regards to how you've gone about writing this story.

Very, very interesting...

PM me for anything, dahling, and I'll try to read the next part as soon as I can.

~ Clo
Last edited by Clo on Mon May 04, 2009 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Kylan! <3

First of all, I have to say that I'm a huge fan of the patchwork kind of thing. Attempted/was tempted to do a similar thing a while ago, but that project's been reworked too many times. So, because of that, this totally pulled me in right away.

It was definitely a good choice to start with the characters, though I think you might have to cut the description from the characters portion {I don't think it's that necessary}, and then move the description of the dialogue to the beginning of the piece and off of the title line. Otherwise it doesn't really match when compared to 'Setting' and 'Climax'. =]

The church steeples inspecting the sky, like tongue depressors.


And that sentence made me break out into a smile, when I'm super grumpy tonight, so you win.

I. Little Things

The crazy one/the daughter.


The other characters don't get slash-descriptions! Think about the purpose of putting in that little extra description. Do we need it? If you're trying to at least keep a little of the concept of these little paragraphs being profiles for people, I don't know that 'the crazy one' is appropriate, plus it's not all that necessary since the read can pick up on that throughout the piece.

fingerprints and fogged up breath.


Her breath was fogged up? I mean, I know the image you're going for, and I know it would sound awkward to say glass because glass comes so soon after that, and windows is just clunky, but I think you've got to rephrase that, unless you did it intentionally.

But only the glass.


Is this contrasting the simile? Like trying to say that /no/, it wasn't like anything cool, it was only glass? If not, I don't really understand what it's saying. o_O; And if so, maybe you could say 'But it was only glass.' Or something. =]

Big girls don't cry.


Pfffft. Pop culture ruins everything. All I got from this line was Fergie singing in my brain. And I don't even like that song. =[ I don't know. If maybe you said 'shouldn't' cry? But then you'd have to change it to 'should hold it in' or something.

Big girls hold it in, store the tears like grain in a silo. Keep it, let it grow, ferment, poison.


This was cool because it kind of was an extended metaphor type thing. You can grow grain, and doesn't grain ferment into stuff? But poison... oh. Well, Google reveals how grain can be poisoned with pesticides and stuff, or something. Okay. Nevermind. I just like this then. You are fantastic.

Structure, anatomy, holding up her face.


I don't like the use of the word 'anatomy' here. Of course anatomy is holding up her face. Her face is anatomy. Something else would be better. =]

She doesn't carry a handkerchief. She walks slow, the big iron grilles in front of the closed up stores with their obscene, humorless grins, and folds the hopelessness up inside of herself.


What I thought here, unless you already did it and it was just more subtle, was that you could connect the lack of a handkerchief and the 'folding up'. That you could say she folds the hopelessness up instead? Or something like that, to reference back to the handkerchief sentence. Just a little, random suggestion.

There are suns somewhere in the city tonight. Their pull, gravity swinging them along, but not her. She moves out of orbit, out of sync. Spinning, spinning.


This was just beautiful. Suns somewhere in the city tonight. I could steal that line and nom on it forever. =]

Slatted moonlight, drunk sun. The thin wasp-waisted women. The prominent flab-armed men. Neat, beheaded houses.


I really loved this part too. 'Drunk sun' is just such a unique phrase, but it brings such beautiful images to mind. The description of the people, too, is real, but still classy. The only part of this I don't understand is 'beheaded houses'. Are they like, flat-roofed or something? =]

The air is heavy, heavy, like the hand of a dead man.


It's already talking about death. I don't know that you should use it in a simile. =]

Small woman, with grace and prudence shaping the gullies and hollows of her face.


Lovely. I loved this. A lot.

Circles reports of the plagues and the wars and the protests and the ugly, perverse sin on every page with a red marker.


This sentence got kind of confusing for me, Kylan, because it gets so long. I think you might just want to end the sentence after 'page' and talk about the red marker in a sentence of its own. Just a short, Kylan-sentence. =]

II. Overall

Loving this. it was so weird to start off with such an odd concept. Like, what? She can't feel anything with her fingers? I'll save more over all comments for after the second part. Just know that you're excellent.

PM me if you have any questions or want to buy me a pony or anything like that. ^__^

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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Hey there Ky!

Seems like I haven't reviewed anything of yours in a while. I didn't read the other comments, so sorry if I repeat anything.
The crazy one/the daughter.


I really don't like the slash in the descriptions. Maybe 'The daughter; the crazy one.' will work better. The reason why I switched it around, is because daughter does not/should not describe crazy a describing word, crazy should describe the daughter.
Rouged up cheeks, slender, throated wrists, and plunging neckline, revealing a topography of secret and whim.


Firefox is telling me that 'throated' isn't a word, but I don't know one that would fit in it's place. I think that there should be an a between, revealing and topography. Great sentence, by the way.
They pass like planets. There are suns somewhere in the city tonight. Their pull, gravity swinging them along, but not her. She moves out of orbit, out of sync. Spinning, spinning.


This made me smile. Beautiful.
Graying hair, weak and heavy, like a dying vase flower.


I love this sentence, but I think you can do without 'vase'
Her eyes are sour as pills.


I think it should be 'Her eyes are sour pills' or 'Her eyes are as sour as pills'\
[Harris]: Doc, I can't get rid of her. There's no way. She's always there, in the dark places, in the shadows, in the hymns and the Christmas songs. I can't burn those memories. I can't burn off the feeling of her touch. Godssakes, you know I would if I could. I'd burn down this whole city.


Great dialogue!

Overall, I really really liked this. The formatting was strange, but it was a feel-good-beautiful type of strange and I love all of the descriptions-similes-metaphors, but they're always good and they always make me smile with their greatness.

I will not say anything about the plot or anything, until I read the second part but you're an amazing writer and I enjoyed reading this.

Keep writing,

~Angel

P.S. Gold Star
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.



The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes.
— Viktor Frankl