new poem: Run

Run

cool moonlight, so tender and pure,
weeping eyes of heaven.
silver arrows down to earth,
gentle and slow like a lover's hand,
illuminating the path before the seeker.
his winged feet are swift
and his eyes are hard and determined.
he glides over the dunes,
committed to reaching the final destination,
despite the lingering pain inside.

bright fingers reaching over the sky now,
his pace quickening underneath the hot rising sun.
heart racing, he pushes forward,
unstoppable by any force of man or will.
faces appear before him,
but he casually brushes them away.
the pain they cause him is nothing
compared to the pain inside.
miles go by,
yet this desert is endless.
and his journey will never end.
he knows this,
feels it in his bones,
hears the laughing ringing in his ears,
but he has prepared for all of these things,
because he can never stop running.

Hey there Zalarus.

I think this is a good poem, and I like it a lot. You've used some nice turns of phrase. I've gone through it line-by-line below.

cool moonlight, so tender and pure,
weeping eyes of heaven. Nice opening lines.
silver arrows down to earth,
gentle and slow like a lover's hand,
illuminating the path before the seeker.
his winged feet are swift
and his eyes are hard and determined.
he glides over the dunes, The word "glides" strikes me a little oddly because with your title "Run" and now your image of the runner, I'm thinking of someone who's breathing hard and feeling every jolt of his feet hitting the ground, not gliding. Aside from that, nice description.
committed to reaching the final destination, This line seems a little unrhythmic and out of place
despite the lingering pain inside. The abrupt switch from watching the runner running to knowing how he's feeling is awkward. If you could make it a little more gradual, I think it would be better.

bright fingers reaching over the sky now,
his pace quickening underneath the hot rising sun. I prefer taking "hot" out because the sudden shift from cool night to hot day is awkward.
heart racing, he pushes forward,
unstoppable by any force of man or will. Meh, this seems a little... superhero-ish.
faces appear before him,
but he casually brushes them away. I don't really like this line here, particularly the "casually". It seems like the runner is too intense to be casual.
the pain they cause him is nothing
compared to the pain inside. The "pain inside" bits are bugging me because the reader never finds out what this pain inside is or what caused it. It's hard to feel what the runner is feeling if we don't know what that feeling is.
miles go by,
yet this desert is endless.
and his journey will never end.
he knows this,
feels it in his bones,
hears the laughing ringing in his ears,
but he has prepared for all of these things,
because he can never stop running.


Okay, a couple of stylistic issues: you don't capitalize anything, and you use a lot of sentence fragments. Personally, I prefer complete sentences and capitals at the beginnings of sentences. It makes it easier to read. Something to think about.

Some things I touched on above: you've got a good concept and some great imagery. Now try to flesh it out a little bit. Who's your runner? I never felt a connection with him. Who has hurt him and why? Why can't he recover from it? As it is now, you've got kind of an immature angst thing going on, and it could be so much better.

Hope I've helped you! Good luck!

hmm, i don't really see the immature angst part, though your other criticism was worthy and good. i was going more for a Camusian, existential tale of some sort. it actually just kind of came out of me. anyway, i'll take your crit into serious consideration. peace be with you,
Zalarus

This was a very interesting poem. I'm not really sure what it was about, but it had a very nice atmosphere and a lot of good lines.

I agree with ScriboErgoSum, though, you need to at least give us a glimpse of why this person is always running.Is it a metaphorical reason, like he's always running from his problems, or is it a mythical-type reason, like a punishment for his sins?

Also, the discription of the desert needs to be expanded on. Why does he want to escape so badly? What is this prison like?

And finally, these lines don't fit:

faces appear before him
but he casually brushes them away
the pain they cause him is nothing
compared to the pain inside.

the rest of the poem is about the impossibility of his journey, but then you go into these few lines about his pain, without telling us what the pain is.

This was very interesting. I like the description you use in you're poetry.

cool moonlight, so tender and pure,
weeping eyes of heaven.
silver arrows down to earth,
gentle and slow like a lover's hand,
illuminating the path before the seeker.
his winged feet are swift
and his eyes are hard and determined.
he glides over the dunes,
committed to reaching the final destination,
despite the lingering pain inside.

I love how the beginging sets up the mood and setting of this peace. It's almost like a scene from a movie. A teen boy running in the middle of the night. Running from something that hurts to a better place even though it hurts some to leave.

bright fingers reaching over the sky now,
his pace quickening underneath the hot rising sun.
heart racing, he pushes forward,
unstoppable by any force of man or will.
faces appear before him,
but he casually brushes them away.
the pain they cause him is nothing
compared to the pain inside.
miles go by,
yet this desert is endless.
and his journey will never end.
he knows this,
feels it in his bones,
hears the laughing ringing in his ears,
but he has prepared for all of these things,
because he can never stop running.[/quote]

This really shows the personallity of the young man. He is very strong willed and is not letting anything get in the way of his dreams. And knows life's journey never ends.
At least that is what I got out of it. It could be about a person who loves to run, or something entirely different. I don't know.
One quick note, none of you're sentances start with capital letters. That should be fixed.
I loved it anyway.

I really liked this this!

It was really unique and I really loved it. It was so dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was really good in my opinion. It's full of mixed and interesting emotions. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first two lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

Overall, I really did like your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x