new poem: Grace

Grace

mad flashes of dawn, fingers of light raining down in ecstasy,
eyes of god on the horizon, the glory of a new day.
the Watcher cries out, the second coming is at hand.
all beings raise their heads, torn between day and night
dark beasts howl mournfully, in pain and sorrow
for their eyes are aflame with hope.
and they are afraid, so fearful of the majesty.
now they fade away, into dust, carried away by the winds.
the people of the sun raise their hands in infinite joy
for their time is at hand, and they are happy in this light.
celebration as far as the eye can see,
yet as the swift hand of Time tightens its grip,
so does the sun pass through the sky
making its eternal sorrowful journey,
and the darkness begins to stir.
the gathering forces of the night
slowly assemble underneath the setting sun,
and the good souls of the light cry deeply,
for their time is quickly coming to an end.
the darkness rapes the land, boils the seas.
and it laughs.
and there, see the people of the sun,
preserved only by the light of the moon.

-Johannes

http://thecompendium.tumblr.com/post/102999884/grace

Hi there! I love your poem; the description was awesome. Now, onto the actual review;

I saw that you didn't have much capitalization. The punctuation was OK, but if you have a period, then the beginning letter after it should be capitalized; a feat of grammar well- known.
Also, I noticed that you took the liberty in capitalizing the things you personified. For instance;

the Watcher cries out, the second coming is at hand.

and

yet as the swift hand of Time tightens its grip,

I know what you were trying to do in making it seem like an actual person, but the capitalization is still not needed. It is like capitalizing Cat or Dog. Or Pretzel, even.

and it laughs.

This is a fragment; consider revising.

Another thing. I think you start too many lines/ sentences with "and". I always tell people to never start a line, sentence, paragraph or stanza with "and" or "but". It is okay for freehand poetry ONLY, but I still think you do it a bit too much. Try using different words, like yet, for instance. There is also "though" and "except" that can be used in certain cases. Try one of those out and see if you can make it work.

OK, well I think I'm done here. Lovely topic; this could be a wonderful master piece with the personification and expressions you use. It just needs clean- up, and maybe even more than you used. I love how it tells a story.

Yet! You still need to work on some of the grammar; it wasn't the best I've ever seen. Keep working on it, and let me know how it goes

Write on! ~April