Silken Chants

Silken chants I can't deny,
Chanted silks I can't defy,
Come to us who call to thee,
Come to us, come to me.

Listen to the wind chimes chime,
Look to the stars that we can mime.
See the adventures never explored,
Touch the dreams adoringly adored.

Filtering phenomena that take some time,
Give some more, it shan't be crime.
However! Don't be koy, breaks the bounds,
You can make the other rounds.

Come to us who call you here,
Come to promised lands and queer
Of the sights of abstract minds -- Oh dear!
Repeat the necessary evils, ya' hear?

Silken chants are what they wear,
Hoods of white in lanes of fear,
Marching to a new hill, a new day,
Raised with white fist, of gloves, in pray!

Hi Wiseman, here's your review~

Listen to the wind chimes chime,

Touch the dreams adoringly adored.

• What is the deal with these? I mean they're sort of cute, but they're kind of annoying. The describing of something using that word is kind of awkward. I think you're creative enough to figure out synonyms.

Filtering phenomena that take some time,
Give some more, it shan't be crime.
However! Don't be koy, breaks the bounds,
You can make the other rounds.

• Personally, I think that between "be" and "crime" the word "a" should be placed. That's because, if you remove the contraption, it sounds odd, and if you don't remove the contraption, the iambic pentameter is slightly thrown awry.
• Also, "koy" should most likely be "coy."

Come to us who call you here,
Come to promised lands and queer

• "Queer" sounds really random, and when I read the stanza over and over again, I still couldn't figure out what it's there for.

Repeat the necessary evils, ya' hear?

• The "ya" doesn't really fit with the eloquence you've portrayed previously. Although it's randomness does add humour.

Raised with white fist, of gloves, in pray!

• To put it frankly, this doesn't make sense. It's skippy aroundish and doesn't fit together well. Try, "Raised white fists, with gloves, in pray." Which slightly improves your situation to force a rhyme into this stanza, but really, I think you should reform this to make sense.

---

I liked this poem. It sounded like a mantra sort of, like one you'd see monks chanting as they march across a battlefield in one of those films. I liked it, it was very consistent and all. That's about all I've got to say.

Just keep in mind the things I critted, just for the sake of the poem.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

P.S. Sorry for turning blue on you guys, but I was already really done with welcoming.

Over- all; excellent rhythm, topic, and fluency. Truly a masterpiece!

Nit- picks; I think I only have two little nit- picks this time;

Of the sights of abstract minds -- Oh dear!
Repeat the necessary evils, ya' hear?

I know you were trying to rhyme, but "ya' hear" seems a little awkward next to the word "evil"
Maybe you can get rid of "oh dear" and "ya' hear" and try to add a word or two after "evil" so it will rhyme with "minds"... if any of that makes sense!

Silken chants are what they wear,
Hoods of white in lanes of fear,

"wear" and "fear" don't actually rhyme. They just have the same type of spelling.

Awesome ending!

Over- all; excellent rhythm, topic, and fluency. Truly a masterpiece!

I know I repeated, but it's true.

I thought I'd thank you for all the wonderful reviews you've given me. Eh... Forgive me, I do not review well.

Come to us who call to thee,

Come to us, come to me.

The last line makes the rhythm falter.

The truth is, I have no qualms with this poem besides the faltering rhythm. As it is, the word choices are excellent. This makes this an almost light read. Descriptions are vivid. As all those are already included in this poem, though the rhythm falters, this piece works very well.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

Hullo there! Yes, Crysi is venturing into the forums once more... Quite a scary thought, but I dare say you'll survive. On to the critique!

Silken chants I can't deny,
Chanted silks I can't defy,
Come to us who call to thee,
Come to us, come to me.

Interesting start. From this, I get the feel of sort of a gypsy setting, or perhaps an Arabian city... Something mysterious and enchanting. This is what I expect to see in the rest of the poem.

Listen to the wind chimes chime,
Look to the stars that we can mime.
See the adventures never explored,
Touch the dreams adoringly adored.

Ouch. Okay. The first line reminds me of Dr. Seuss, which is really not what we're going for here! The second line... I feel like you're trying too hard to rhyme. I don't understand the second line, and it definitely feels forced. The third line keeps the feel of the mystery, okay... Fourth line also seems forced.

Filtering phenomena that take some time,
Give some more, it shan't be crime.
However! Don't be koy, breaks the bounds,
You can make the other rounds.

Yeah, starting to really fall apart here. I'm definitely losing the imagery, and the tone seems more... modern, I suppose.

Come to us who call you here,
Come to promised lands and queer
Of the sights of abstract minds -- Oh dear!
Repeat the necessary evils, ya' hear?

I don't understand the way you've included "queer." And the endings of the last two lines? Far too forced. Still, this stanza seems to relate more to the original idea, so points for that.

Silken chants are what they wear,
Hoods of white in lanes of fear,
Marching to a new hill, a new day,
Raised with white fist, of gloves, in pray!

Still back to the mystery, okay... But when you have to be grammatically incorrect ("pray" instead of "prayer") in order to rhyme? Yeah. No.

You have some interesting images and ideas in this poem. I'd like to see more of the mystery, the enchantment, all that. My biggest advice? Drop the rhyme scheme. Yes, I suppose it adds the feeling of chanting, but you're also forcing yourself too much, and it's showing. So either drop the rhyming or just let the rhymes come to you.

Good luck.

Hi Jon! Juniper here!

One of the first things that I noticed about this poem is how forced it seems. It's not flowing as smoothly as many of your others, dear, and it's kind of forced to a point where it's not coordinated well.

Let's have a stab:

Silken chants I can't deny,

Chanted silks I can't defy,

Come to us who call to thee,

Come to us, come to me.

=D SO, this is extremely confusing, Jon. The silken chants make sense-- it's implying that perhaps the chance are delicate/soft so forth, but the chanted silks is raising confusion. Why would you want to defy these anyway? This is very idealistic, and would take much interpretation to understand this part, and that's not what you want the audience to have to do in this poem, dear.

Thee. That's an olden word, dear, so it should be used with much, much caution. If your language in writing is very modern (which we find here that it is) we don't want to go old or date back in times, dear, understand?

It feels like you are sacrificing your creativity for rhyme, Jon.

Listen to the wind chimes chime,

Look to the stars that we can mime.

See the adventures never explored,

Touch the dreams adoringly adored.

Here, I feel that you have drifted too far from your original subject in an attempt to capture your ideas in a perfect rhyme. I don't quite understand why you want us to Listen, Look, See, and Touch if you aren't going to connect this stanza to something coming afterwards, dear.

I understand that this poem could possibly be defined as interpretive, possibly having to make us think, think, think on this, but these are words that are pretty tricky to sculpt with, Jonboy (:P).

Filtering phenomena that take some time,

Give some more, it shan't be crime.

However! Don't be koy, breaks the bounds,

You can make the other rounds.

Now! I feel like this poem is just... all helter skelter, all-over-the-place. (And, yes! I'm aware of how harsh that sounds, but! Take this constructively, dear ) I really think that this poem lacks proper organization, dear. Every stanza, almost every line, you're giving us a new idea, a new rope to grab, and you don't tie it into anything, so we're left hanging, wondering about that previous idea. This is poetry! You are free to be creative. But, the bottom line in poetry is often to leave us with something to remember and thing about... and now, we're like, "Okay, that poem was about chants, silk, wind chimes and crime?"

Yeah.

ALSO! Jon, language changes are tsk tsk, bit no-no. You're talking very formally at the beginning of this poem, (such as come to us,) and then you switch to "However!" and telling us not to be koy (which should totally be coy, anyway ) and it's just a hullabaloo of confusion, dear.

Come to us who call you here,

Come to promised lands and queer

Of the sights of abstract minds -- Oh dear!

Repeat the necessary evils, ya' hear?

Four line rhyme?

Queer means weird, Jon, so, I don't think it can be used as a verb, dearie, and it kind of sounds like you are using it as a verb since you are basically commanding us to do something?

And, goodness! Watch your language, Jon! You have "thee" at the beginning, which is olden, formal. You have modern language here. You have "However!" which is exclamatory, and now you have slang! (ya' hear?) It's just not working dear. Organize this!

Silken chants are what they wear,

Hoods of white in lanes of fear,

Marching to a new hill, a new day,

Raised with white fist, of gloves, in pray!

=D I know that I am being super duper nitpicky about your language today, but it's generally not proper to say "silken chants are what they wear."

You're going for rhyme here, Jon, and it's ruining your freedom for creativity! You really need to say "they wear silken chants", because you don't want to switch up your language too much.

Also! In your last line, Why the order this way? Why not just say, "White-gloved-fists, raised in pray"? (Which should rightfully be prayer, by the way.)


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As Crysi said, you should drop the rhyme scheme, dear. Even with it, it's not seeming so chant-like, and it's just restricting your ability to be creative.


We were presented with too much information, and that information led us no-where. It felt as if we had to memorize a bunch of words or spells or something-- it would have been great if you had tied all of these in into a final stanza.

I don't like the order of words that was used so much in here. I feel like you changed the style too much for the sake of rhyme-- and you really just don't want to do that, dear. It's going to make your poem feel like you're driving over a rocky road with smooth-road tires.

So. What to do?

You honestly could write an entirely new poem from each of these stanzas. That's how much information you have given us.

I want you to take a moment and dissect this poem. Take it apart, and tie things together. Make it come full circle, Jon, make it flow together and create something new-- don't just have a jumble of words tangled up and thrown onto the table. Organize it.


So, I'm not going to say I didn't like it, because it was rather creative in a sense. You did well with perfect rhymes, forced or not. But! I can't say I loved it; it was quite a bit tough for me to interpret, dear.

=) Keep it up!

Juniper

Jon,

This is really strange. I can't quite grasp what you're trying to convey in this poem. You may think it works, but it really doesn't. The rhyming, man. It's not right. The first paragraph had a wonderful pulse in it. I could see someone chanting this, and it was sort of strange in a satisfying way. But then the chiming chimes came in, and I shrieked. It didn't work.

People have said this before: drop the rhyming scheme. In fact, the hardest poetry to write is rhyming poetry, because it restricts you SO much. Free verse is incredibly easier to write than rhyme. It doesn't limit you at all. You don't have to force yourself to make up a rhyme. I would suggest revamp this whole thing and start with a new fresh piece of paper. Don't limit or restrict yourself. Let this message that you're trying to teach us come from a totally different angle. I think you're doing good right here, but you need to make yourself clearer, but also be more mysterious at the same time. Poetry is hard to explain. You just do it.

I really don't know what else to say. I hope this helps, even a little bit.

-Jared

wisemann210 wrote:Silken chants I can't deny,
Chanted silks I can't defy,
Come to us who call to thee,
Come to us, come to me.

I'm loving the first lines! Good opening! It made me want to read more.

one prob:

Listen to the wind chimes chime,
Look to the stars that we can mime.
See the adventures never explored,
Touch the dreams adoringly adored.

Maybe you can replace "adoringly" with another word?! Use an adverb of degree, or an intensifier. Something like "heavily"?

* Oh! and i think you have to check punctuation and capitalization. I get the same comment all the time!

Overall, i enjoyed reading it!