The Banquette - Revised to Version 2

The Banquette - 2nd Version
I walked gracefully down the beautiful hallway. My steps echoed loudly on the marble floor. The walls were made of what appeared to be pure gold, though, I assumed that it couldn't be. No, it was more beautiful than gold. Perhaps the king had ordered a special material, a mixture of gold and diamond maybe, and built his castle out of it. Whatever the case, the whole place was absolutely stunning.

As I continued to walk, I began to hear voices. I supposed they were coming from the other guests who had been invited to the banquette. It was amazing how generous our king was. Every week, he would throw a banquette and select random individuals from his kingdom to attend. I remember walking by a few weeks ago and wondered what the castle was like inside. Now, I had been sent an invitation. I wouldn't have to guess any longer.

After walking through winding hallways and up flights of stairs, I came to a room with huge doors. Two guards suited with elegant armor stood motionless at the doors. It was clear that the voices I had heard were coming from this room. I approached one of the guards and reached into my pocket. I pulled out a note that had been handwritten by the king. I showed it to the guard and he ordered the doors open. The doors seemed heavy but the guards showed no sign of difficulty as they pulled them open.

I thanked the guards and walked into the huge ball-room. The sight was absolutely wondrous. There were many people dancing and many more sitting. The room, despite it's abnormally large size, was packed with people, most of which I had never seen before. I walked through the smiling crowds to reach a table with a free seat. I must have been late, as almost all seats were taken. When I found one, I sat down to claim it before anyone else could take it. This was the only table left with any empty seats. I looked at the dancing crowds and wondered if the king hadn't expected this many people to arrive. With almost all of the seats filled, where were these dancers going to sit?

"Quite a sight, isn't it?" a voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked across the table to see a kind looking man. Funny, I hadn't noticed him before. Maybe it was too crowded, but I was sure I would have noticed someone sitting at my table.

This man was strange. He looked completely normal, yet there was a majestic look to him as well. His smile was calm and tranquil showing no sign of shyness. There was a confidence about him that most did not possess. Of course in these days, confidence was rare. Everyone was poor, well, almost everyone. Only people who lived in the king's castle, in this castle, lived with any kind of wealth. Where was the king anyway?

"It's amazing, really, how the king can hold so many guests at a time. You'd think he'd run out of room." The man said after I had not responded to his past comment.

"I think maybe he has. There can't be nearly enough chairs."

"Oh, I don't know about that."

"Well, this is the only table with any seats left, isn't it? And look at the number of people dancing!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about them. I'm sure the king knows what he's doing."

"Maybe."

"Relax. This banquette is supposed to be enjoyable. Try to have fun."

"Alright, I will."

"Good. Now, if you will excuse me, I have something very important I must do." The man stood up.

I watched the man walk through the busy crowds. As he walked, everyone turned to stare. The dancing stopped, and everyone watched. Many shook his hand while many stood in awe. Eventually, the man made it all the way to the front of the room where a large staircase was located. The man quickly climbed them. Once he reached the top, he stopped and turned to face the guests.

"Hello everyone and welcome to my castle." The man greeted the guests.

His castle? This was his castle? So, that man was the king! I couldn't believe it. I had talked to the king like he had been anyone. No, this was the king, ruler of the entire world! This was the most respected man anywhere. And I had treated him like a nobody.

"I would like to thank you all for coming. As you all know, I invite guests here every week. Well, this is your time! Please, enjoy yourselves. Food will be served shortly."

The king began to descend from his steps as the crowd began to cheer. I was shocked at how casual the man was dressed. Everything about him seemed ordinary. Perhaps that was what he wanted. Maybe he could get a better opinion from the people if he dressed like a regular man. Though, it did seem weird that I was the only one who didn't recognize him. Maybe it was because I had spent the last ten years at sea. Whatever the case, I knew who he was now.

"Hey, you there!" A young girl shouted at me. She sat down at my table, a worried expression on her face. She was dressed in an expensive looking dress, though, you might not have noticed. It was ripped and tattered. This girl had obviously been having a rough time. But even with her ruined dress on, you couldn't help but notice her beauty. She had a lovely face, the kind you only see in fairy tales. Her eyes were an ocean blue, and you could tell through them that she was about as deep as an ocean too.

"Yes?" I responded.

"Listen, there isn't much time. The king is going to serve food right away but you mustn't eat any."

"What?"

"You must not eat anything. Please, you are our only chance. I don't know why, but it hasn't affected you. The king knows this."

"Wait, what?"

"Promise me you will not eat anything! Promise!"

"Uh..."

"Here he comes! I must go. Remember, eat nothing!" The girl ran off and out of the banquette. I watched her as she ran. She was graceful and eloquent. Then, I wondered why she ran. Surely she wanted to enjoy this banquette as much as any of us. What was her story? Who was she? Somehow, I knew that I would never receive an answer to these questions.

I looked up to see everyone seated. The king was right, there had been enough chairs. But how? I was sure there were no more seats available.

"Ah, hello again." The king walked up to me, a platter of food balanced on his hand.

"Hello" I said nervously.

"I told you you had nothing to worry about."

"I suppose you were right."

"Yes." The king set the platter in the center of the table. I hadn't noticed it until now, but the remainder of empty chairs at the table were now filled.

"Please, enjoy." The king walked away.

I looked suspiciously at the food. Why wasn't I supposed to eat it? My stomach started to grumble. I really was hungry. Should I eat the food? I thought long and hard about that question. Basically, I had two arguments. First of all, I was starving. I would probably never get to have food this good again. And second, this was only one meal. If the girl was right, that I was their only chance and that I must not eat the food, then it would be only one meal I was missing. I didn't know what to do.

I looked at the others at my table. They seemed to be enjoying the food. Nothing was happening to them. Maybe I would have just a little bit. I reached forward and picked up a piece of chicken. I held it up to my mouth.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the girl. She was staring at me, the worried expression growing on her face. Maybe eating this food wasn't such a good idea. I put the chicken back on the platter. The girl looked relieved and then ran away. I looked back at the people at my table. Something was definitely wrong now.

The first thing I noticed were their noses. No, they were no longer noses, they were snouts. The next thing I noticed was their sizes. They were much bigger than before. Could they really have gotten fatter in that little bit of time? No, they weren't just getting fatter, they were completely transforming. They were turning into pigs!

A laugh broke my thoughts. It was the king. Was he the one doing this? Did he know this was going to happen? I watched him walk up to me, followed by a long line of guards.

"So, you didn't eat any of the food?" The king asked as he approached me.

"You, you turned them into pigs!" I shouted.

"No, they did that themselves. I just made them look like it."

"What?"

"These people, these gluttonous fools, they are all thieves. They have all stolen food from me, broken into my castle, eating my produce. I couldn't let them get away with it."

"So you turned them into pigs!"

"Yes."

"You, you are a monster!"

The king raised his hand and slapped it across my face. "That is no way to talk to your king!"

My faced burned with a hatred more fierce than I had ever come to know. This was our king, our dignified ruler. And here he was, treating me as though I was nothing more than a mere animal, a creature of no value. Why would anyone respect this man?

"You're no king." I growled at him enraged.

"No king? No king? Is that really what you think? Then, let me ask you, who's castle is this? Who's banquette are you at? Who sent you that invitation, sent everyone an invitation, handwriting each of them, slaving away for hours? Me, that's right, me. And now, you will do as I say!"

The king reached into his pocket and took out a knife. He placed it in my hands, "Here, we'll need more pork for next weeks banquette. Go, choose the best one."

"No, you do it!" I spat at him.

"I see, you still do not understand the direness of the situation. See, it wasn't just these people whom I intended to transform into pigs. No, you, too, were meant to be part of it. Somehow, and I'm sure I have no idea, you knew not to eat the food. So now, let me ask you this; Are you still willing to disrespect me." The king grinned evilly.

What was wrong with this man? He would have me murder them! Sure, maybe they shouldn't have stolen, but murder was too far. Maybe they deserved imprisonment but definitely not murder. Still, this was the king and there were lots of guards. What was I supposed to do?

I walked over to one of the smaller pigs. I didn't want to kill him, but what choice did I have. The king followed me and waited expectantly. I stood in silent awe, unknowing of the course I should take. I could kill this pig, I could end his life and spare my own. But what would that make me. What would I become. Sure, I may be able to wash away the evidence, wipe it clean from my hands, but would I ever be able to cleanse my conscience?

The king began to tap his royal foot impatiently. I knew he wouldn't wait much longer and had to act quickly. With a sigh, I plunged the knife into the pig in front of me. There was a sharp, horrible squeal and then... nothing. A tear came to my eye. How could I do this? How could I be apart of something so wrong, apart of this bloody slaughter? This wasn't me, this wasn't who I was. And yet, the knife reflected a different me.

"Well done!" The king clapped as he took a few proud steps toward the pig.

The blood ran silently from the wound of the pig. I looked helplessly at its lifeless face. I had erased any future this person would have had. I turned away from my crime. Face toward the sky, I stared water-eyed at his majesty's perfect roof. It was brilliant, yet somehow convicting. Here, in this sinner's castle, there was no chance of forgiveness. How many people had died here before tonight? Too many, and I was only adding to the numbers. I clutched the knife tighter.

"You know, I would have had one of the guards kill him. Your hands would have remained clean. But then, you had to get so righteous. Well, now you too are guilty. Oh, but don't blame me. This is your fault. You should have never stolen from me. You see, I could have protected my food from those petty thieves, but what would that have proved? They would have just stolen elsewhere. So, you see, I really am just helping everyone. I'm sure you understand."

Understand? He thought I would understand? There are many things I understand. I know stealing is wrong. I know murder is wrong. I know revenge, hatred and fighting are wrong. I also know that sometimes, you have to do wrong to do right. And then it hit me, in that pivotal moment. I couldn't let this man live. He was the real murderer. Why should these people die for stealing when he gets away with murder. With this resolve, I turned around and stabbed my blade into him.

Blood immediately began to squirt out of the wound. The king fell to his knees, then completely fell over, staining his marble floor with blood. The guards didn't move. I suspected they were too shocked. I stared at my dying victim. He had deserved this. Would anyone disagree?

What was I supposed to do now? I had murdered the "greatest ruler of our time." I couldn't go back to my old life. I supposed the only thing I could do was run. I sprinted off into the hallway. I heard footsteps coming after me. I risked a glance back to see the pigs chasing after me. I ran through the halls and eventually made it to the exit of the castle. The guards were now running after me. With one final look, I shut the doors of the castle and left these lands forever.

It's been three years since that day. The guards hadn't followed me out of the castle. What I expected to be a fun, enjoyable banquette turned out to be a disguise for a slaughter. I had killed the king and gotten away with it. Unfortunately, I was never able to find a way to turn the pigs back into humans. So, I did the only thing I could, I sold them. I needed the money and they were now just pigs anyway, right? Well, people payed good money for them. Now, whenever I think about it, I just remember that they would have died sooner if I hadn't. Sure, there are some people that would argue differently, that I shouldn't have killed the king at all, but I know I did the right thing, right?
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It's been a while since I've written anything. Hopefully, I'll write more often.

It quite different from what I usually, I'll tell you that lol. It kind of sounds like a children's story. Are you planning to be a children's author? Anyways on with my review. I think you could have been a little bit more descriptive on how the characters in the story looked and how the building looked as well. What color was the girl's hair? Was she pretty? Was she average? These are details that people want to see when they're reading a story. But props to your creativity! Thieves turning into pigs. I probably would've never come up with that lol. Good story! It reminds me of a children's story lol. Nice!

Hello Fading-dream! I am Winter, and I am here to review you story!

First, the nit-picks:

Well, this is the only table with any seats left, isn't it? And look at the amount of people dancing!

Amount should be number, since people are things that can be easily counted.

The girl ran off and out of the banquette.

This sentence is a bit awkward. I would change it to something along the lines of, "The girl ran out of the banquette hall." This is just my opinion though. If it sounds right to you, feel free to keep it the way it is.

Could they really have gotten fatter in that little bit of time.

Since this is a question, you should end it with a question mark rather than a period.

You're no king.

This sentence was kind of void of emotion, in my opinion. She didn't sound like she meant it. I would change the period to an exclamation point, and I would add something like "I spat" after the quotes so the reader knows how the girl said it. So it would be "'You're no king!' I spat." Again, feel free to leave it as it is.

Here, we'll need more pork for next weeks banquette.

There should be an apostrophe in "week's"

Grammar and so on:
Your grammar was almost completely flawless! That made it so much easier to review your piece. I commend you! Well done!

Plot:
I loved the plot. I really did. It was short but interesting. I agree with the above reviewer that it reminded me of a children's book. Well, not necessarily a children's book, more of a fairytale. It was a bit dark too, which I liked. But I had one question: When does this story take place? You have submitted it in historical fiction, so I was wondering if it is Medieval, Tudor, Georgian, Victorian?

Characters:
I know that you probably don't want your story to be too long, but it would benefit from some descriptions of your characters. What does the girl look like? Is she young or old? Does she wear her hair down or up? Is she in a dress or gown? Also, it would be nice to know what the king looks like. Is he covered in Jewels? Wearing cloth of gold? Does he have graying hair, or is he young a handsome? And the little girl who warned your heroine of the food? Is she a poor girl in rags, or a wealthy child? I think you get my point.

Overall:
Like I said, this was a very interesting story. I liked the magical elements that you used. Again, great job with grammar!

If you have any questions please PM me!
-Winter

Thanks for the comments guys, I really appreciate it. Now, originally I had planned to leave the story as is, but I can see where the criticisms are coming from. I plan to come back to this story after school today and fix those "nit-picks" as well as describe the characters and location better. Also, I didn't know the main character had a gender! I tried to leave him/her open to the reader to picture themselves in their place, or however they wished to view the person. This isn't my normal writing style, so it was kind of an experiment. Usually, I write where it's basically a really short scenario but covers all of their thoughts and such. Anyway, thanks again, I will edit soon!
Also, I never planned for this to be a children's story, but I can see where that comes from.

No, it was more beautiful than gold. Perhaps the king had ordered a special material, a mixture of gold and diamond maybe, and built his castle out of it. Whatever the case, the whole place was absolutely stunning.

I'm just wondering, is something like this possible? Has there ever been a case in history where a large castle was made entirely out of gold or diamond? It just seems ridiculous to me.

Now, I had been sent an invitation. I wouldn't have to guess any longer.

Change this into something like:

But now that I had been sent an invitation, I wouldn't have to guess any longer.

I pulled out a note that had been handwritten by the king.

Since when does the king have time to write out invitations himself to all of the guests every week?

There were many people dancing and many more sitting.

This doesn't sound that wondrous. The subsequent passage tells us what you meant to convey with this sentence, so just take this one out.

When I found one, I sat down to claim it before anyone else could take it. This was the only table left with any empty seats.

This makes the previous statement about the handwritten note by the king himself seem even more unrealistic than before.

No, this was the king, ruler of the entire world! This was the most respected man anywhere. And I had treated him like a nobody.

Are you sure this belongs in the historical fiction section?

Perhaps that was what he wanted. Maybe he could get a better opinion from the people if he dressed like a regular man.

This doesn't seem likely. Kings dress the way they do for reasons. One might be to flaunt their wealth, but people also expect their rulers to. When they see their ruler dressed in riches, they usually take pride in their kingdom, because it's a sign of prosperity that is supposed to reflect the state of their kingdom. Not to mention, something like this would upset the nobility. I've read books where the king dresses like an ordinary man before, but their was usually a reason for it. Either he was traveling and needed a disguise, or his people just didn't appreciate such customs. Those are the only two acceptable reasons I can think of at the moment.

"Hey, you there!" A young girl shouted at me. She sat down at my table, a worried expression on her face.

Where'd she come from?

The king is going to serve food right away<comma> but you mustn't eat any."

"You must not eat anything. Please, you are our only chance. I don't know why, but it hasn't affected you. The king knows this."

This is definitely a fantasy story. You should move your next piece to the fantasy section.

No, they weren't just getting fatter, they were completely transforming. They were turning into pigs!

Yup, this is fantasy.

They have all stolen food from me, broken into my castle, eating my produce. I couldn't let them get away with it."

You're saying thousands of people sneaked into the king's castle and stole his food? Whatever.

"So you turned them into pigs!"

"Yes."

"You, you are a monster!"

The king raised his hand and slapped it across my face. "That is no way to talk to your king!"

"You're no king."

This isn't written well. There's no description what so ever. This scene just seems pathetic to me, and I'm not feeling any emotions here.

The king reached into his pocket and took out a knife. He placed it in my hands, "Here, we'll need more pork for next weeks banquette. Go, choose the best one."

What was wrong with this man? He would have me murder them! Sure, maybe they shouldn't have stolen, but murder was too far. Maybe they deserved imprisonment but definitely not murder. Still, this was the king and there were lots of guards. What was I supposed to do?

I walked over to one of the smaller pigs. I didn't want to kill him, but what choice did I have. The king followed me and waited expectantly. I raised the knife. Without warning, I turned quickly to face the king, then stabbed it into his heart.

Something about this scene just seems really ridiculous. The king slaps him across the face and orders him and not one of his own guards to kill the largest pig. Who do you think is more worthy of trust in this issue?

Also, the "climax" just happened without much precedent. You didn't describe the turmoil in the protagonist's heart, and you simply tell us what happened without letting us feel anything.

but I know I did the right thing, [/b]right? [/b]

Look at this sentence closely, and you'll see what's wrong with it.

I believe this story could be told well if there was much more description and emotional detail and if it made actual sense.

Syte wrote:

I believe this story could be told well if there was much more description and emotional detail and if it made actual sense.

Okay, I am open to constructive criticism and even encourage it, but you were just picking on everything! First of all, you didn't think it was "realistic", well, it OBVIOUSLY wasn't meant to be as people turn into pigs. Second of all, it doesn't have to possible in fiction. This is fiction and the King is ruler of the entire world, so you can assume he's going to have lots of money. And, having a castle made of gold is no weirder than people being able to fly. Now, I do agree with some of what you said, mainly the whole detail bit.

Okay, I realize that you must have an incorrect definition of "Fiction" from a lot of what you said. You are without a doubt thinking of "Non-Fiction". Here is the definition of Fiction:
"An imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or explanation."
That was taken directly from dictionary.com. Now, if I had posted this in "Non-Fiction" then I could see why this story would frustrate you. And yes, this could fit into fantasy, but it fits better here. So please, I encourage you to make sure you have your definitions right before judging something. Anyway, thanks for going over the story and reviewing. I will try to add more detail and emotions soon.

EDIT: Okay, I have revised much of the story, especially at the climax which now gives much more input on the character. Please continue to review and comment so I can continue to improve the story.

Hiya!

First, let me say that even though this work is obviously fiction, you might want to reconsider what genre of fiction you put this under. Historical fiction is for things that have no magic and are based in historical fact. Fantasy has magic and allows for some things to be unrealistic. I would ask a JMod or Mod to move this into Fantasy, where things such as people turning into pigs is more acceptable. ^_^

Plot: This is a stand alone story? Because really, it has all the makings of a good novel or novella (shorter novel). You could have him run, get pulled away by the girl, and find a way to stop the king and turn everybody back. It would make this much richer, and have it be a bit more comprehensible.

Magic: Since I'm qualifying this as a fantasy story, I'm going to go on the magic here. First off, it could stand to be explained a bit more. Were their illusion spells, shape-shifters, other mages then the king? Adding in some sense to this magic would help the story. ^_^

Questions: This work asks a lot of questions, and I believe that they are for a reason, but those questions and answers are so jumbled up it can be hard to get any meaning out of this work. If you were to slow down on each question it would help us not only understand, but maybe change somebody's ideas on the world and make them think.

Overall: From the beginning I though this was a fantasy story. The girl, the corrupt king, all led to a fantastic fantasy plot. But in the end, there was... nothing. It's like everything was an illusion, and that's how he managed to escape unscathed. I'd really focus on turning this into a multi-part fantasy story instead of sticking it to a one-off. You have the start of something here. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

This is really great… I love the plot line, it was so catchy. Honestly, this is the kind of writing that intimidates me because I feel like it’s just so superior to my own.

The only thing I’m wondering is if this can really be considered historical fiction. Is there any historical basis to it? Maybe it would do better as a fantasy story.

~Boatswain

Thanks for the comments guys. I suppose I was unaware that "Historical Fiction" needed a non-fiction basis (Kind of ironic). If someone could move this into "Fantasy", I would very much apreciate it.