A love poem, or something(else)

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 4038
Reviews 25
A large mess.
An apple skinned and left to sink,
rotting into the table, some transmutation
of wood to worm, fruitless.

The core is gone
with some formeldahyde and
a microscope slide, still life.
Cast in clay or iron fixings. They bronzed
some moment of light corrosion
on the thing’s now discarded skin.
They draped it like a porcelain fuse
on a molotov barbie's bedside aid.

We walked outside the next morning,
after breaking open the scabbed shades
to reveal our Midas mottled leftovers,
and the streets were all soaked in lime.
It stung, and stunk. Sweet

Jesus
the world is red. Conducting our speech
like symphony we clattered over steps
till we found the tree that had gifted us our
bronze embalmed effigy.
Then, chewing on the applevine we lost
ourselves in Dionysian fever. Our muscle
tissue fell like paint cluttered canvas
to the floor, and we sunk, with the apple
into the wood casting we’d ate over
just the night before.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 20
I think that you have something here,
but you might want to work on the overall
structure of the poem.

It was enough to keep my attention from wandering,
but the structure of it
was enough to distract me from the
overall effect of the poem.

I love the fact it's so original,
and lacks cliches.

I think if you edit the structure,
maybe edit some punctuation,
you'll be well on your way
to a masterpiece!
"although you were biased I love your advice; your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities; there’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words that paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 34
hmm. i like. i certainly do like.

it's really a surreal photo album of a poem. it painted a very clear picture of decadence in my mind. it quickly and effectively goes from the normal to the strange. very Rimbaudian, with some definite Poe in there as well. the whole work stinks of rot, which is admirable. two thumbs up, says Roger Ebert.
I'll tell you this -
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

You sound like a hillbilly,
We want folk singers here.



Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown