Flame Dancer. Prologue. (Edited)

Hey, I edited this story. I thought I might as well before I post more in this story. Please though, I'd love for a review.

Two hooded figures appeared in a deserted street. There was no light to speak of, and it was tricky to make out any discerning figures. A gruff command was barked out, and a flame crackled to life in the palm of one of the figures. The fire flickered and made shadows dance on the ground as the light illuminated the way. It's light fell on the face of a beautiful woman clutching a bundle to her chest. She took off her hood and let a tightly woven braid fall down to her shoulders. It was a soft brown with blond highlights. She would frequently look down at the bundle, her face full of emotion.

The other person removed their hood and the head of a man was revealed. He had a gentle face and a soft expression. His hair was as black as ebony with fierce streaks of gold. He would throw a quick gaze to the woman, and then look back ahead.

They didn't walk far when the woman froze. Not far ahead, there was a man sitting by an open fire. She glanced worriedly at the man; he shook his head and urged her silently onward.

It wasn't long before the couple stood in front of the other man. He seemed to be middle aged, with the same dark hair, but with orange streaks. He had a small beard forming around his chin. He stroked it thoughtfully as he spoke.

"Well, Aidan and Arianna, I've been waiting for quite some time."
The man, Alex, bowed low. "I'm sorry Alex, it took longer than we both expected." He gestured to Arianna who now gripped the bundle harder. "But, you promised us that you would train our son, and we are ready."
Arianna squeezed her eyes shut as tears flowed softly down her cheek. Alex noticed this and turned his gaze onto her. "Arianna, are you ready to let go?"
She winced as he spoke, but nodded silently. Aidan resumed his spot beside her. Arianna pulled back the top of the bundle and the light was cast upon a sleeping baby. Arianna stroked the cheek lovingly as the tears dripped onto the blanket wrapped around the child. It let out a soft gurgle as a tear landed on it's cheek.
Alex looked anxiously down at the baby. He frowned slightly. "How old is he? He can't be more than a few months."
Aidan let out a rumbling laugh. "He's almost two. He was born early, just like me. He can talk though. Those are your only requirements. We've met them fully."
Alex grunted and looked at the boy. "Well, it's time for me to depart. Say good-bye here, and I'll contact you when it's time."
Aidan nodded solemnly and looked over at Arianna again. "It's time to say good-bye love."
She stifled a sob as she nodded. Then she gently reached in and pulled out the little boy's hand. She kissed it and whispered softly. A small flame left her lips and rested on her son's hand. The boy's eyes flickered, but didn't open. Arianna carried him over to Alex and put her only son into his arms.
"His name is Andrew; please take care of him" Her eyes bore into Alex's. He smiled crookedly.
"I'll treat him as if he were my own son." Arianna kissed him on the cheek and turned back to Aidan. Alex stood where he was, and looked at the tiny flame that was still resting on the infant's hand. The colour drained from his face as he stared into the fire. Then he growled a short command. He started to fade out as the fire that was on the ground leapt up around him. The fire, Alex, and the young baby known as Andrew vanished, leaving Aidan and Arianna in the darkness.
Aidan whispered softly and another flame jumped up into his palm. Arianna stood, frozen with shock. The tears flowed stronger down her face. Aidan wiped her tears away and put his arm around her. She leaned into him, and they walked into the shadows, where they would wait. The future of their infant son, was now in the hands of Alex.

O hai. ^^

This was vaguely interesting, and written fairly well, but there were also quite a few things that let it down. The appearance of "hooded figures" in a fantasy prologue is cliched. Been done before, and anyway, it's overdramatic.

Two hooded figures appeared in a deserted street. There was no light to speak of, and it was tricky to make out any discerning figures. A gruff command was barked out, and a flame crackled to life in the palm of one of the figures.

The repetition of the word "figures" needs to be changed.

This is very cliched. Mysterious hooded figures appear in a dark, spooky street. These are a man and a woman who hand over their son to another mysterious bloke who promises to care for him. I'm thinking Star Wars, Harry Potter and many more. And the parents walk off into the shadows? Meh.

Also, why does everyone's name begin with A? It gets annoying.


You have quote a few punctuation/grammer mistakes, like here:

"His name is Andrew; please take care of him" Her eyes bore into Alex's.

I'm not sure that should be a semi colon, and you need a full stop to end the dialogue.

The fire flickered and made shadows dance on the ground as the light illuminated the way. It's light fell on the face of a beautiful woman clutching a bundle to her chest.

"It's" should be "its", and the repetition of "light" should be changed.

The future of their infant son, was now in the hands of Alex.

You don't need that comma.


----

Try and make this more original, because as yet there's nothing new at all. Also, try and make your wording more fluent and watch those grammer/punctuation mistakes. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's only to help.

PM me if you have any questions!

Lucy Pennykettle wrote: Two hooded figures appeared in a deserted street. There was no light to speak of, and it was tricky to make out any discerning figures. A gruff command was barked out, and a flame crackled to life in the palm of one of the figures. The fire flickered and made shadows dance on the ground as the light illuminated the way. It's light fell on the face of a beautiful woman clutching a bundle to her chest. She took off her hood and let a tightly woven braid fall down to her shoulders. It was a soft brown with blond highlights. She would frequently look down at the bundle, her face full of emotion.

This is an excellent opening, very full of detail. Just one small technicality when you are talking about girls it is spelt blonde. I don't know why that is just what i've been taught. The post above me though has caught most of the other mistakes.

Very cliched with a lot repeated words and similarities between characters as well (all of the "a"s in the names) fix those mistakes and this could be amazing!

Immediate observations:

1. That's a lot of "A" names. Diversify a little.

2. First chapter of Harry Potter, with a different name.

3. No two-year-old looks like he's only a few months old.

Please don't take this too harshly. You are an excellent writer - I didn't see any grammatical mistakes at all. And I think you've probably got a solid story here; but right now you're pulling from a lot of classic books. (Like Wooster said, you've got the cliched hooded man and the boy he's going to train.) Give us more about the characters. The man is hooded, sure, but how does he talk? What kind of presence does he have about him? Are the parents merely sad, or are they also excited, scared, etc.

Hopefully this helped!

~Sunny

Hi! I really enjoyed this but ther isn't much feeling in the characters apart from sadness. it's very well written but i think you just need to work more on expressing the feelings of the characters. i found one mistake.

The man, Alex, bowed low. "I'm sorry Alex, it took longer than we both expected." He gestured to Arianna who now gripped the bundle harder. "But, you promised us that you would train our son, and we are ready."

isn't it meant to be ' The man, Adrian, bowed low,'

i really enjoyed this apart from that mistake which interrupted the flow and im looking forward to reading more. please PM me when you have more!

Afeefah

Hmm, I will start with my criticism: On a whole, this story is very choppy, you have a lot of very short sentences. Don't be afraid to throw some more commas in there! Also I would go back and re look and parts like this:

"Arianna pulled back the top of the bundle and the light was cast upon a sleeping baby. Arianna stroked the cheek lovingly as the tears dripped onto the blanket wrapped around the child."

I do this by accident when I'm not really paying attention sometimes, but you seem to have started off two sentences in a row with the same thing. Consider revising that into one sentence.

On the other hand, your dialogue was very smooth and natural, I thought you did an especially solid job with that. While I think that this piece needs some serious revising in terms of the sentence structure, I also thought it is a very interesting start to a story and I would love to see it revised.

Good work!