Ayzik Chapter #1

Chapter 1

Suddenly it hit me, Andy was gone. Andy was gone and he was never coming back. I heard someone say that they were sorry. I nodded without looking up. Why do people say their sorry at funerals. It won’t change anything, no matter how many people say that their sorry it won’t bring Andy back.
I stood in front of the casket right behind his mom just like I had done all day. She kept looking down at him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just kept looking at the picture of him under it said his full name Andrew Caden Sparrow. We had found it so funny when we were little that we had the same first two initials. We loved to say Andrew Caden and Ariella Catarina.
He is, was my best friend. He really was my only good friend. I had always had a lot of friends but I never felt like they knew me.
When I woke up in the hospital bed and they told me that Andy was dead, I felt like all the hope and happiness in the world had been sucked out. How could I be happy when my best friend wasn’t there for me to share it with? He had been my best friend since we were two and he pushed me in the baby pool at the community pool. I know it’s a weird way to meet you’re best friend but he has always been there for me. Anytime anything happened he was the first person I wanted to tell. He was the first person to know everything from the first tooth I lost (because he helped me pull it) to the first time I broke a bone (he convinced me to jump off the monkey bars).
I wandered outside and stood on the front porch of the funeral home. The wind was gently blowing against my face and blowing the ends of my dress up a bit. I looked around the community where I had grown up. I could see the pool where me and Andy first met and the pizza place we went to celebrate everything. I saw the park where we played as kids, the swing set where we had our first fight. I wished I could take back every fight that we had ever had. Everywhere I looked I saw something that reminded me of him and I realized that the only way I could possibly keep what little bit of sanity I still had, not that I ever had much to start with, I would have to leave. I couldn’t stay here anymore.


“I’ve got to go.” I saw a confused look cross my mother’s face.
“Go where?”
“That school you were telling me about a couple months ago.” She gasped.
“Bryner Academy”
“That’s the one.” She looked at me like I had just told her something like I had won a Noble Prize or something like that.
“You really want to go. Wait till your father hears he’ll be so glad. My Ella going to Bryner Academy.”
I heard the door open and knew it was my dad home from work.
“I’m home.” He yelled like he did everyday when he came home from work.
“Come in the living room, Jack!” You could tell that he was confused because we never use my mom’s living room mainly because it doesn’t have a TV.
“She wants to go!” I expected my father to be a bit confused. I didn’t know whether it was my mom’s reaction or that my dad didn’t even have to ask what she meant that I was starting to expect that this wasn’t a normal boarding school.
“Really, that’s amazing.” Did they really want rid of me that badly? My parents were whispering to each other so I figured that I would go watch TV for a while, just as I was about to get up my mom starting talking to me.
“You should know something before you decide that whether or not you really want to go to Bryner.”

I am HERE! Now please do not take anything I say personally, I am simply doing my best to help you make this into the most amazing piece of literature that is possible!

Also maybe you will bring this in later, but this has nothing to do with fantasy in it so far so I am tempted to say that you have posted it in the wrong category.

Suddenly it hit me, Andy was gone.

This happened way to fast for me. I was even prepared for it and I felt like I got hit in the gut. I was confused and wondering what was actually happening. I would start it out a bit slower, then slowly bring in what is going on. Maybe she sees people walking in the door, or sees a lone person crying. Maybe her eyes are caught on the rose led out on a grave, and then she realizes he is gone. The beginning was just to abrupt in my opinion.

It won’t change anything, no matter how many people say that their sorry it won’t bring Andy back.

I think this would flow better if you made it into two sentences where the comma is.

She kept looking down at him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I believe their should be a comma before but

I just kept looking at the picture of him under it said his full name Andrew Caden Sparrow.

This sentence doesn't flow at all and should probably be two. I would rewrite it to be something like, "I just kept looking at the picture under him. It said his full name, Andrew Caden Sparrow in big bold letters." Or something like that. And I would add a comma before his name, it helps the reader to pause and catch up with what is going on.

He is, was my best friend.

I almost think this sentence would have more affect if you changed it to this, "He is... was my best friend."

How could I be happy when my best friend wasn’t there for me to share it with?

Share what with? Why is she supposed to be happy?

me in the baby pool at the community pool.

I would cut out the "at them community pool" part. It isn't needed and makes the sentence sound choppy.

He was the first person to know everything from the first tooth I lost (because he helped me pull it) to the first time I broke a bone (he convinced me to jump off the monkey bars).

First off I love this bit, it had me chuckling . I could just seem him helping her yank out the tooth! But it is also to long for me. You have the habit of making lon sentences when they could easily be split up so that everything would flow better. For instance the above one, "He was the frist person to know everything about me. From the first tooth I lost...." and so forth. I would go through and reread this thing again because there are a bunch of places you could scratch a comma and add a sentence which would help the whole piece flow a lot more smoothly.

blowing against my face and blowing

Don't use the same word, for example "blowing", more then once so close to each other, especially not in the same sentence. The repetition is distracting.

. I saw the park where we played as kids, the swing set where we had our first fight.

Add an "and" after the comma.

Everywhere I looked I saw something that reminded me of him and I realized that the only way I could possibly keep what little bit of sanity I still had, not that I ever had much to start with, I would have to leave.

Okay this sentence REALLY confused me and I had to read it a couple of times to understand what you were saying. Here is another great example of something that should be more then one sentence. "Everywhere I looked I saw something that reminded me of him, and I slowly realized there was only one possible way for me to keep my sanity. I would have to leave." Or something like that. It helps the flow and makes things more clear.

“I’ve got to go.” I saw a confused look cross my mother’s face.

CONFUSION! . where the heck did mom come from?

She looked at me like I had just told her something like I had won a Noble Prize or something like that.

Fix this sentence. It's choppy, and you repeat the same thing twice with the "something" and "like I had" bits.

I heard the door open and knew it was my dad home from work.

*blinks* when did she get home? I thought she was on the balcony at the funeral home and the next thing I know daddy dearest is home? How did she get home?

Okay... so you have a good start here but quite a bit to work on still. You should go and read through your story again, cutting down on some of those sentences to help with the flow. I would also recommend a little bit more description. How are people reacting at the funeral, are there a lot of people? Actually let us know she got home, and all that kind of stuff. Also if she was so close to Andy, wouldn't her parents know him pretty well. I found it odd neither of them, or at least the dad, were at the funeral.

You have a good start with your characters though. We can feel the emotion that Ariella is going through. How sad she is and all. And we even catch a glimpse at what Andy must have been like when you shared about the tooth and the broken bone. Those were funny, and added dimension and depth to your characters which was nice to see so good job with that.

The overall plot is a bit confusing. We don't see how it fits into the Fantasy realm yet but I am guessing that is coming. So yep, there you go, hope it helps. And take or throw out whatever, everything above is just my opinion!

Here we go again.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes at your protagonist's name. As this so far seems to be set in a realistic and modern setting, giving her the name Ariella Catarina screams unnecessary wish fulfillment and Mary Sueism at me, and doesn't put me in a very good frame of mind to read the rest of the piece. (Just in case you don't know what Mary Sue means, check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue)

From the rest of what I read, it seems as if something about Bryner Academy is supernatural. After all, this is in the fantasy section. That being said, I don't really feel like there is anything in this first chapter to draw the reader in. It's a bunch of setup with no resolution. It's clear we'll learn what is so special about the academy in the next chapter, but so far what is interesting about this first chapter to make us care about that second one? Cliffhangers almost never work this early in a story. They only work later, after we develop an attachment to the characters and become eager to see what happens to them next.

Speaking of attachment to characters, you're trying to make us care that this girl's best friend has died, but that's pretty hard to do since we never got to know him. I feel like you're trying to elaborate on their friendship and his character in flashback form, but if that's the case, you're just telling every time you do it. Show me instead. "Show don't tell" is a piece of advice so overused that I'm getting sick just mentioning it, but it really applies here. All you do is talk about their friendship in this abridged paragraph by paragraph format. It would be much more effective if you showed them talking to each other. I want to read these two being friends, I don't want to read about them being friends. I hope that makes sense. If not, there are a bunch of great places online that can explain "Show don't tell" better than I can.

In the end, all I can say is try and get something interesting in this first chapter, because at the moment it's pretty bland. The first chapter is often make or break for many people, so you can't undervalue its importance. Keep that in mind as you do your rewrites, and good luck.