A Man of Two.

This was my vocabulary assignment, so sorry if I miss used a word because I didn't understand its meaning or how to use it in context. This poem is a little hard to understand and I promise it is so much better when read aloud. Enjoy anyways! (:

Peter sat quietly hoping that Peter was the only one home.
He listened to his thoughts. They were only his own.
His muscled relaxed as he knew he had control
He closed his eyes knowing Peter was one whole.

“Open your eyes Peter,” said the saliently menacing voice.
Peter succumbed, for Wolfgang gave him no choice.
Peter’s eyes were open, and Wolfgang was in his mind.
The voice with semblance to Peter’s chimed.

“Stand up Peter,” Wolfgang said with what sounded like a smile.
“Why don’t we take a walk for a little while?”
Peter rose and left his seat
To walk a around the park and in the dark street.

All Peter heard were his footsteps, and Wolfgang’s laugh.
He wondered why he had been split in half.
“Because I entered your body,” Wolfgang replied.
He chuckled and laughed as Peter cried.

Peter’s head hurt, from what ghoulish Wolfgang did last;
Forcing him to bludgeon himself with a wooden bat.
Peter was morbidly mental and Peter knew it.
But Wolfgang took control, and his body, he used it.

“You know the library, the one on Maple Dr?
I want you to burn it, and all the people in it alive,”
Peter shouted, “No!” But Wolfgang made him run.
Peter reached the building address 251.

Peter wept as he stared at the flames.
He was reticent to obey Wolfgang.
Peter heard Wolfgang laugh in an evil way.
Peter decided Wolfgang would die today.

“You are not my mind! You have no power over me!”
Peter screamed, to devoid Wolfgang, and set Peter free.
Wolfgang laughed one more time.
And Peter woke up in a chained up line.

“Wolfgang Gray!” Called a man with a list.
He approached the chair and was forced to sit.
He took his place and they tied down his hands.
He used to be a good gracious man.

With acumen senses he knew what was next.
Onto his face an evil grin crept.
A man pulled the switch and just as Peter had cried,
That day Wolfgang Gray died.

This was an awesome concept and very creepy - well done. I do have some issues with the rhyming and the rhythm - both come across as kind of forced and awkward, and a few of the words you use (e.g. saliently) seem out of place. Judging from your intro, I'd say some of the problem is that it was an assignment, and thus forced to conform to certain guidelines. I'd love to see what you could do with this if you rewrote it using the words you wanted, in a style better suited to this sort of poem.

One more thing to watch out for - repetition. Try not to repeat ideas and concepts too much, as it makes the poem drag and diminishes their impact.

Best of luck with your editing! This one has real potential

Cheers,
~bubbles

I agree with bubblewrapped, if you were simply writing this piece for your own creative enjoyment, I think you would have had less problems with it's rigidity. It's a gripping and smouldering topic, but it's delivering is rather stitled. The reader wants to read a story which is as fluid as possible. In the hope that I'm not harping on about anything, I simply had to leave a review for this. It was so original.

My favourite line was the first one. It immediately raises the alarm of menace.

Peter sat quietly hoping that Peter was the only one home.

If you had simply said Peter hoped that 'he' was the only one home, we wouldn't suspect anything. The repetition of his name was truly fantastic.

Creatively, this piece is very strong. You use a third person perspective to it's full advantage, and the names are spot on- Wolfgang Gray strikes me with dread. I can relate to Peter. Your vocabulary is definately wide, so top marks for that too! This stanza was good:

Peter’s head hurt, from what ghoulish Wolfgang did last;
Forcing him to bludgeon himself with a wooden bat.
Peter was morbidly mental and Peter knew it.
But Wolfgang took control, and his body, he used it.

What I would suggest is to watch your rhyming. I am in no way affilated with the rhyming police- those people who say, in S4 your 'seat' didn't rhyme fully with 'retreat', but all the same, just watch it. Don't let it consume a piece. If you feel like using it but you know it will cause you problems, use it in every second line to give yourself more freedom.

You showed very well in this. It was subetly vulgar in places were it needed to be. I would watch, as bubblewrapped said- about dragging it out in places. Less is definately more in a thrilling piece like this.

Anyway, well done- and keep writing!

Eimear.