Freakshow Ch. 3

3 posts

Who should Ella fall in love with?

  • Slei. No votes
  • Reg. LOL. No votes
  • Some other mysterious character. No votes

Total votes: 0

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When Reg was directing two Belgians towards the town, Ayrshire, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over, and saw a sickly thin man running through the meadow. His hair was long, and of the dullest strawberry blond. Blowing in the wind, he could easily be mistaken for a young girl. As Reg directed the horses towards the fork in the road, he dared another look. The man was still running, barefoot none the less. It was a wonder that his feet weren’t bleeding. Reg realized that the man had not seen him, a surprising fact. The horses had not been shod in a while, and the shoes were loose and clattering. As he stared across the meadow, the man suddenly disappeared from his view, just ike he fell into a hole. All of a sudden, he smelled an alluring fragrance, not unlike all the world’s desserts mixed together in a sweet concoction of sorts. Reg heard a sound, turned, and saw the same man sitting right next to him. He yelped, stopped the horses, and shoved the man off of the carriage. Shockingly, the man hovered above the ground and sneered at him. His teeth were bluish-white. “Wha-what do you wa-want from me?!” Reg shrieked in a less than manly way.
“Oh, you know. The usual. Your heart. Your jewelery,” The man responded, and pushed his face into Reg’s. “Your life.” He finished, with a terrible grin.
Reg just stared at him, and as he did, he started to notice things about the man’s face. His eyes were angled with the outer corners upward and the inner corner down. His smooth, unnaturally milky complexion with just a tinge of green. The slight sharpness of the teeth, along with the eerie blueness. But the thing that bothered Reg the most was the man’s eyes. They were completely black, no whites. Just black.
“I’m just kidding, you know.”
Reg stared at him in horror. “what are you?”
“There’s many names for it. Puck, elf,” He sneered again. “Fae.”
“Oh no. No,no,no,no,no. Crazy’s more like it.” Reg said, glaring at the strange man.
“So you say,” The man sighed, settling down onto the bench. “But I have my opinion. I call it eccentric.”
“Eccentric is the old man in town who thinks we are aliens.”
“Eccentric is being strange, so I ‘spose he is. But I am the eccentric of all of you mortals. Oh, and my name is Slei.”
“Slei, huh? Well, Slei, you are a messed up person.” Reg pointed out.
“Its Fae, mortal. Get it straight.” Slei had a sharp tone in his voice.
“The name’s Reg.”
Slei nodded. “Sounds ‘bout right.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!” Reg exclaimed.
“Oh, nothing” Slei responded with a small smirk, like he was trying to keep a laugh at bay.
“Sooooo,” Reg said slowly, “How exactly did you just appear on the carriage? The horses were’nt panicking or anything.”
Slei smiled smoothly. “It’s about time you asked.”
Slei snapped his fingers, and suddenly floated up into the air. Reg gasped, blinked a few times, and gasped again. “I love that reaction,” Slei said, grinning. “It’s just hilarious.” This time, the horses noticed. They started to grow anxious, neighing softly and pawing at the ground. Reg could hear the noise of their teeth chomping on the bit, and the sound of the harnesses shifting on their bodies. “Slei, stop. The horses are growing nervous, and they might bolt. NOT good.” Slei lowered himself quietly, and settled again onto the bench. “Do you know anything about the one who can see death?” He asked Reg, in a hushed tone. Reg stiffened, then replied.
“Yeah. She’s my sister.”
Last edited by Steev The Purple Raccoon on Mon May 04, 2009 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Okay so here is a critique! Don't take anything personally, I am just being honest to help you and this story be the best it can be! Also feel free to take or throw out anything I say as it is all suggestions.

When Reg was directing two Belgians towards the town, Ayrshire, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over, and saw a sickly thin man running through the meadow. His hair was long, and of the dullest strawberry blond. As Reg directed the horses towards the fork in the road, he dared another look. The man was still running, barefoot none the less. It was a wonder that his feet weren’t bleeding. Reg realized that the man had not seen him, a surprising fact. The horses had not been shod in a while, and the shoes were loose and clattering. As he stared across the meadow, the man suddenly disappeared from his view. Like he fell into a hole. All of a sudden, he smelled an alluring fragrance, not unlike all the world’s desserts mixed together in a sweet concoction of sorts. Reg heard a sound, turned, and saw the same man sitting right next to him. He stopped the horses, yelped, and shoved the man off of the carriage. Shockingly, the man hovered above the ground and sneered at him. “Wha-what do you wa-want from me?!” Reg shrieked in a less than manly way.


Okay so I am a little confused with how you start out the beginning of this story. Is he directing some people and horses to Ayrshire, or is he himself going and just guiding them along? It wasn't clear to me so you should probably try to clarify that point.

This sentence is odd. Should be "Like he had fallen into a hole."

Good job describing the the strange man though, I could really picture him.

“Oh, you know. The usual. The heart. The jewelery,” The man responded, and pushed his face into Reg’s. “Your life.” He finished, with a grimace.


The heart? Do people in this world usually steal other people's hearts? hahahah, it is just weird to me. Also I don't think grimace is the correct word for what you are describing, Grimace is: a facial expression, often ugly or contorted, that indicates disapproval, pain, etc... And I don't think he is in pain or something like that so I would find another word.

Reg just stared at him, and as he did, he started to notice things about the man’s face. His eyes were angled with the outer corners upward and the inner corner down. His smooth, milky complexion with just a tinge of green. The slight sharpness of the teeth. But the thing that bothered Reg the most was the man’s eyes. They were completely black. No whites. Just black.


Should be, "He had a smooth, milky complexion with just a tinge of green." or something similar to help it flow better.

I believe the was should be "were".

“There’s many names for it. Puck, elf,” He sneered again. “Fae.”


Names for it? He isn't an it so he should say, "I have many names," or something along that line. And what is with Fae? It seems like he just randomly says it.

“Oh no. No,no,no,no,no. Crazy’s more like it.” Reg said, glaring at the strange man.


That is sure a lot of "no's" I am not going to say you have to get rid of it or anything, there are just a lot...

“Its Fae, mortal. Get it straight.” Slei had a sharp tone in his voice.


Once again I am finding this Fae thing to be confusing and random, some more explanation on it would be nice! :)

Slei snapped one of his fingers, and suddenly floated up into the air. Reg gasped, blinked a few times, and gasped again. “I love that reaction,” Slei said, grinning. “It’s just hilarious.” This time, the horses noticed. They started to grow anxious, neighing softly and pawing at the ground. Reg could hear the noise of their teeth chomping on the bit, and the sound of the harnesses shifting on their bodies. “Slei, stop. The horses grow nervous, and might bolt. NOT good.” Slei lowered himself quietly, and settled on the bench. “Do you know anything about the one who can see death?” He asked Reg, in a hushed tone. Reg stiffened, then replied.


If I remember right he was already floating when they were talking. So you need to have him land some time in the before paragraphs before having him float again.

This sentence doesn't flow and should be, "the horses are growing nervous, and might bolt." or something like that.

Also when someone else starts to speak you should start a new paragraph since something new is going on. The above paragraph should be a couple so I would look through and change that. Nice way to end it though, it caught my attention when he asked about the one who sees the dead and Reg simply said, she's my sister, gave me chills!

Grammar: You're grammar is pretty good. Some of your sentences don't totally flow, but they are easily fixed. Just make sure you reread everything when you write it, and sometimes when you read things out loud it helps you to hear the inconsistencies in it.

Characters: You are doing good in this department. Obviously this piece is a little short but you did a good job with both Slei and Reg.

Plot: To short for me to really say much. It is very interesting though and I haven't read the previous chapters so i can't really give a good honest opinion on this.

Overall: this is actually very interesting. I think you could have made it a little longer, and the first paragraph needs to be cleaned up a bit to help it all to flow, but you have a very nice start here. Keep up the good work and I hope this helps!




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Thank you! I will correct the strange parts. I'm a REALLY slow typer, and on the appleworks it looks way longer. I couldn't find a type of grin for Slei, and grimace seemed to be the best form (prolly because it has "grim" in it. lol.). The first chapter doesn't have as much dialoge in it, but it is longer. This is actually a story for a writing group we're having at school, and the teacher, The Cheshire Cat, is a REALLY REALLY awesome writer. Thank you again for the critique, it really helps with the writing! Trust me, I need it! I hope you read the first chapters, they really help with understanding the story! ^_^



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