A Love's Tragedy

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*revised

A Love's Tragedy

This story's so wicked,
I'd rather not tell;
How two unfit lovers,
found the other and fell.

A knight in shining armor,
the face of gallantry,
the king's loyal servant,
so trusted was he.

A princess so lovely,
her eyes shone like stars.
No one could have thought,
she'd stay behind bars.

The queen, her mother,
was dying, so ill.
When death came to take her,
the king's heart went still.

Lost himself in grief,
he sought a new queen.
Their child has now grown,
as fair as she's been.

He took her in his arms,
forced her into bed.
So frightened was she,
that she cried out and fled.

Her father was furious,
he ordered her seized.
Locked up in the tower,
no hope to be freed.

She did nothing but sing,
the saddest of songs.
She pleaded for help,
and denied all her wrongs.

The knight on horseback,
heard her one day.
He stopped by her prison,
and decided to stay.

"What grace in her voice!"
he thought to himself.
"I must know why she's up there,
see after her health."

Disguised as a guard,
they spoke through the door.
Soon full of love,
but she asked for more.

Unspeakable evil,
from beautiful lips.
He stared in awe,
as his heart slowly rips.

He swore no oath,
but to set her free.
A traitor to the king,
he never could be.

One quiet night,
he stole the keys.
Unlocked the doors,
and fell on his knees.

She walked out the room,
and rendered him weak.
He brought out a ring,
but she couldn't speak.

Gave him an embrace,
then trickled a tear.
She pulled away,
ran off with his spear.

He tore after her,
as she sped towards the king.
He couldn't believe,
the terror she'd bring.

She pierced through his heart,
and fell to the floor.
The knight's in anguish,
the king is no more.

His duty has failed;
but the relief in her face,
melted his anger,
caused his heart to race.

Took the blood-smeared blade,
from her shaking hands.
Then soldiers came,
chased them out of the lands.

The forests so thick,
that they drifted apart.
Each lover went seeking,
in search of their hearts.

They met near a cliff,
at the end of the wood.
But the guards got there soon,
ran as fast as they could.

Swords drawn towards them,
not a choice but to jump.
That must be their end,
for they heard but a thump.

And that's what I meant,
and why I didn't want to tell,
of unfortunate lovers,
and how they met and fell.

- - - the END - - -
Last edited by bailecielo on Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Love is the black of cliches" ~bailecielo'09~




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A tragedy indeed. I enjoyed reading this. The rhythm and the flow was good. I was never a fan of this kind of poetry but this was really well written and held my interest. This reminded me of a poem that would have been written many years ago, something that could have a classic.




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I don't know how good I'll be at this reveiwing poems thing but this one deserves it.


A princess so lovely,
her eyes shone like stars.
No one would ever think,
she'd stay behind bars
.

The third line seems to me to have too many syllables. perhaps, 'could have thought' might flow better.

Lost himself in grief,
he sought a new queen.
Their child has now grown,
as dashing as she's been.


I don't think himself is needed, it sounds a bit out of place.


"What grace in her voice!"
he thought to himself.
I must know why she's up there,
see after her health.


Since you put quotations around the first thought, you should put quotations around the last two lines.


I really liked this poem! It's a great story and you wrote it beautifully. I hope I helped you in some way.

~Risa
"What are you doing?"
"I've got paint and rollers...water sking"~The Philanthropist

Don't push the Red Button




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I loved this! It was like reading a story, I couln't wait to find out what happend next. And you're rhyming was extremely well done.

Lost himself in grief,
he sought a new queen.
Their child has now grown,
as dashing as she's been.

the last line was the only line for some reason seemed out of place. The rhyming is good, but, though I can't think of what, something else could work here to get the point across. It was just one of those spots that disrupted the rythem.

He took her in his arms,
forced her into bed.
So frightened was she,
that she cried out and fled.

Her father was furious,
he ordered her seized.
Locked up in the tower,
no hope to be freed.

She did nothing but sing,
the saddest of songs.
She pleaded for help,
and denied all her wrongs.

The knight on horseback,
heard her one day.
He stopped by her prison,
and decided to stay.


I really liked these stanzas. I don't know why, but I do.
Amazing poem.
well behaved women rarley make history.




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Reviews 152
Hello, darling! I'm Music- here to critique for you today.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

"What grace in her voice!", The comma isn't needed here.
he thought to himself.
I must know why she's up there,
see after her health. These two lines should be in quotation marks like the first line, since they're the prince's thoughts.


He couldn't believe,
the terror she'll bring. This was the second time you did a tense change. Try and keep it on past.


That must be their end,
cause they heard but a thump. I don't like "cause" in the context. Perhaps "for" would work better?


And that's what i meant, I's should be capitalized. :wink:
and why i didn't want to tell, Strike the "and"
of unfortunate lovers,
and how they met and fell.



Language Usage & Writing Style: I really enjoyed this poem. It was well-written and had a good flow. Be sure to stay on tense and keep the meter going well throughout- those were your issues. Also, punctuate the dialogue correctly if you have to have it in there. XD


Emotion: Although this is expressed in third-person view, I felt like the tone was a bit too light for me. I liked it, but it didn't depress me enough. At the end I thought, "Wow, what a great poem" instead of "Wow, was a tragic, well-written poem." I feel you should work on the tone just a bit. Leave a deeper impression on your reader by telling it in a bit of a more tragic way. Just a bit.


Concept: What a wonderful concept. This was probably your strongest area. Great job.

Overall, I thought that it is just a millimeter away from being fantastic, darling! *Gold star*

Love,
Music
Click-ity click! Reviews here. :)
The Completely Evil Plan.

"You treat me badly; I love you madly."
Formerly known as music_lover_7311.




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Hi everyone! :D THANK you all so much for the reviews. They really helped! :D I hope i got things right this time! :D These are the best reviews I've had so far. I found myself agreeing to everything you guys suggested! :) THANKS again! Take care! :)
"Love is the black of cliches" ~bailecielo'09~




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I utterly loved this piece—I almost want to illustrate it…
I noticed that most of the little grammar mistakes have already been pointed out, but I hate grammar and didn’t think anything could take away from the brilliance of this piece. :D
I am “following you” (wow that sounds creepy) but I haven’t read your work in a while but I am pleased to say that I will start up again!
You are a phenomenal writer—keep writing.
When nothing goes right, go left



Sometimes you don’t need metaphors to feel something breaking
— candyhearts