Shadows [1]

Deleted

Hey Esmé =]

Wow. That was definitely intense.

a clatter so loud that matching the little shriek that escapes my breast. - I don't think this sentence is worded right. Maybe try, 'a clatter so loud and matching so perfectly to the little shriek that escapes my breast.' Also, I don't think a shriek would escape from a breast Maybe chest would fit better instead?

I gnaw deeper, more furiously, soon a bloody mass left of my palm. - 'I gnaw deeper, more furiously, and soon all that is left of my palm is a bloody mess.' Just a suggestion

watching clumps of my hair sink into the filthy lavatory water and unable to close bulging eyes. - I'd have this as a seperate sentence. 'I watch clumps of my hair sink into the filthy lavatory water, unable to close my bulging eyes.' - Also, why is it that she can not close her eyes? Is it because she is afraid that she'll see flashbacks of what she was about to do? - Just another suggestion.

raw meat shows. - This may just be my personal preference, but I think that 'tissue' or 'flesh' would sound better than 'meat'

He’s sleeping. He slept through it all, through a shadow of his own death. - Creepy

Overall;

I think your desciptions of the blood and surroundings were good, if a little vile Is this a start to a stroy? I really want to know why she almsot killed her Dad. Can you please PM me if you do post another part?

I hope I have been of some help to you

xDudettex

Oh...my...god!
Yeah, Dudette was right. It was very intense.
I really couldn't find any problems with this piece. It was written well and the description was superb. I character's struggle for self-control was very real to me as I read this. I don't know what the precedent to any of this was, but as a scene, this is really good.

I'm just wondering, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, why was she about to kill her dad? If you don't tell me, could you at least submit some more scenes?I liked this

Way to go, Esme!

Dudette,

Thank you for your wonderful critique of my story. I really appreciate your time! And yes, I’ll be rephrasing some of those.


Thanks again,
Esme





Syte,

Seems you posted your review right when I was writing the above. But thanks, thanks, thanks for reading. Always nice to see comments on one's piece, no?

As to why... I'm getting there. I'll, ah, think of something. Was thinking along the lines of him (father) endangering the whole family by what he is doing (mm, demonic entities hunter-sortish)? A bit vague as of yet.

Thanks!
Esme

Hiya! this is my first review so I'll do my best!

That was definitly ... weird and intense as Dudette said.

Hands shake uncontrollably, cover my contorted face.

Hands shaking uncontrollably, they cover my contorted face. Sounds better.

Flesh and blood and vomit, and then scented toilet paper seeped with it all flushes down in swirls.

I think you should add an 'as it' inbetween the 'it' and 'all.'

I tend to the wound on my hand, dispassionately pouring peroxide, feeling only sharp twinges of pain.

I think you should replace 'only' with 'the.'

I wash my face, my hair and take a shower, brush my teeth, brush them again and then proceed to wipe of all the bloodstains from the bathrooms walls and floor, towels and rugs.

'I was my face and hair...' A suggestion. :]

But they’re everywhere and I give up, a disgusting metallic aftertaste on my tongue, still touching the occasional mushy bit between my teeth.

I don't know if I would call this a runon sentance but it definitly needs to be seperated. The first comma should be a period, starting a new sentance.

To the bathroom I return with a plastic bag; I throw away bottles of lotions and towels, everything sporting a flicker of thick red.

'I return to the bathroom with a plastic bag,' also sounds better.

Throw away the ones soaked up in blood along with the plastic bag from the bathroom and take another shower, feeling filthy despite scorching water.

...despite the scorching water.


I'm interested in what happens. Why did she want to kill/hurt her dad?

Doodle,

Honored for being the first Thanks for reading, I'll most deffinitely take your suggestions into consideration.


Thanks once more,
Esme