Lily Foxglove 5.1

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey =] So here it is - chapter five, part one. Hope you like it. As always, reviews will be greatly appreciated! xDudettex


“Next time, stop me before I make an idiot out of myself by going too far,” I said, trying to sound forceful, although I was losing the battle to keep the smile off of my face.
Roxy was smiling too and had been constantly since I’d shouted at Blake. She seemed to be glowing. I haven’t seen her this happy in ages.
“No.” Roxy laughed. “You didn’t get told off that badly, did you?”
“Well, what would you call bad?” I asked, linking my arm through hers. She looked to the bright blue sky in thought.

“Umm, a week of detentions?” she replied. Her eyebrows were raised as if she believed that she had already guessed my punishment.
“I’d say that I’ve got it bad then,” I answered.
Her eyebrows shot up even further beneath her fringe. “Why, what did he say?”
“Two weeks of detention, plus I had to apologise to him for being, ‘irresponsible and childish.’” I mimicked the head teachers patronising tone when I spoke the last three words.
“But there’s only one week left of school,” Roxy stated, frowning.
“Yeah,” I explained, “one week of detentions next week, and the second week when we go back to school in September.”
“That’s rotten,” Roxy said, coming to a halt outside her garden gate.
“Well, the story of my life,” I joked, giving her a hug goodbye, not knowing how accurate Roxy would turn out to be.
“See you Monday then,” she smiled, as she opened the crooked, wooden gate and started walking off down the cobbled path.
“Yep,” I called out. “Can’t wait for detention. Yippee!”

I heard a faint laugh as I turned to walk down the hill leading to my house. When I was about half way down, I spotted Elliot in front of me and ran to catch him up.
“You alright?” I asked, when I finally reached him. I was out of breath and the sea breeze had blown my hair in front of my face. I swept it back with my hand.
“Yeah, you?” he asked, a friendly smile on his lips. The majority of his coffee coloured hair was hidden beneath a black and white chequered baseball cap. Only his fringe was visible.
“Well, apart from a mass of detentions to go to, I’d say I was alright,” I smiled back.
“That was quite a performance you gave,” he laughed, nudging me lightly in my ribs.
“I didn’t expect half the school to be watching it though,” I grinned. “I must have looked like such an idiot.” I would have been laughing if I’d have been watching someone else scream at Blake or anyone else for that matter.

“No. I’d say you looked more scary than stupid.” His smile was gone and his brown eyes looked serious.
“Really,” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Ahh! I don’t want to be known as Lily the psycho.
“Yeah, I’d have been terrified if I was Blake. You looked like a right psychopath.”
I elbowed him in the ribs in response and to my relief he started laughing. I’m starting to think I was wrong about Elliot. He’s not a strange emo kid from planet Zog at all, he’s actually quite down to earth.

As I unlocked the front door a couple of minutes later, Elliot stopped outside his which was no more than a meter away fom mine.
“So we’ll have another ‘get to know each other session’ next week then?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I didn’t get to find out about you.”
“You’ll have to repeat yours again, anyway,” Elliot smiled, mischievously, the corner of his eyes crinkiling.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, although I was already expecting a stupid answer.
“Well, you didn’t mention the fact that you were stark raving mad,” he chuckled, whilst quickly disappearing through his door as I’d leaned over to hit him.

When I walked into the kitchen, I was quite surprised to see my Mum and Paul sitting around the kitchen table. Shouldn’t they both be at work?
“Why are you home so early?” I asked, looking around for Pansy. I hadn’t seen her in the front room.
“Pansy’s at Margo’s,” Paul replied, picking up on me looking around for her.
“We’ve had the afternoon off to discuss something quite important,” Mum said, looking pretty serious as she gestured for me to sit down.
“We’ve got something to tell you,” Paul said, looking serious too. His eyes were dark.
“Are you pregnant?” I asked Mum, sitting down in the seat opposite her.
“No,” she replied with a chuckle. “Why ever did you come to that conclusion?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged, relieved that there wasn’t going to be another little Pansy running around the place. “It was just the first thing that popped into my head.” Her chuckle had eased the tension that had been building up in my stomach. She can’t be that angry or serious if she’s laughing.
“Well, it’s definitely not that,” she reassured me with a smile, but as soon as Paul spoke, her smile vanished.
“Lily, me and your Mother have had the afternoon off to discuss something that involves you.”

Bugger. They know about me having a go at Blake at lunch.

“It’s not my fault though,” I pleaded, “he was asking for it.”
My Mum’s brow furrowed and Paul leaned forward.
“What are you talking about, Lily?” Paul asked, his uni-brow raised.
“Nothing,” I replied quickly, trying to get them to forget about what I had just said.
“Lily Emelia Foxglove, you tell me what you’ve done right now,” Mum demanded sternly. Her forehead creased with a frown.
“Really, it was nothing,” I protested, desperate to change the subject, but my Mum wasn’t giving up.
“You tell me right now young lady,” she insisted, sitting back slightly into the old, oak dining chair and folding her arms tightly across her chest.
“Do I have to?” I asked, although seeing the looks on both of their faces, I didn’t wait for a reply.

Thanks for reading!
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 9
I. Want. More. Now.

Plese????
When the drums come in
And the keys get louder
Now we're building a collision of noise

~ The Broken Minor by Elliot Minor




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 233
Hey Dudette! :D Nooo you can't end it like that! I need to know what they are going to talk about! :shock:

I said, trying to sound forceful, although I was losing the battle to keep the smile off of my face.


I can see why she would be trying to be forceful, but generally when you say something like that it comes out more sulkily and that might work here better in conflicting with how she is smiling, so basically I'd maybe swap 'trying to sound forceful' for something about attempting to keep a sulky tone :)

“No.” Roxy laughed. “You didn’t get told off that badly, did you?”


I'd maybe extend a bit on the 'No' as then she moves on to talk about her punishment and it seems a bit like the 'No' is connected to the next part, maybe something like 'No, it was brilliant!'

She looked to the bright blue sky in thought.


It's just a matter of preference but maybe 'up at the bright blue sky' would be better here than 'to the bright blue sky'.

I mimicked the head teachers patronising tone when I spoke the last three words.


As you have put it into quotations, I think this might work as just something like 'I said, mimicking the head teachers patronising tone.' without specifying about the last three words :)

I joked, giving her a hug goodbye, not knowing how accurate Roxy would turn out to be.


:shock: oooh I picked up on that! Nicely done ;) I'd maybe think on separating this into two sentences though, so maybe a full stop after 'goodbye' and then starting the next like 'I didn't know how accurate'.

I heard a faint laugh as I turned to walk down the hill


I'd maybe say 'her faint laugh' instead of 'a' :)

“Really,” I asked, raising my eyebrows.


As she is asking this I'd maybe change the comma to a question mark.

Elliot stopped outside his which was no more than a meter away fom mine.


'fom' should be 'from' here :P

the corner of his eyes crinkiling


I think 'corner' should be 'corners' here and 'crinkiling' 'crinkling'.

he chuckled, whilst quickly disappearing through his door as I’d leaned over to hit him.


I'm not sure but maybe just 'I' instead of 'I'd' would be better here?

I asked, looking around for Pansy. I hadn’t seen her in the front room.


I'm not sure about having the last sentence as her thought, I don't think it's really needed at all so I'd maybe leave it out all together or have it normally instead of as her thought.

Mum said, looking pretty serious as she gestured for me to sit down.
“We’ve got something to tell you,” Paul said, looking serious too.


I think repeating serious actually works well here :) The only thing I might change is that you spoke about Elliot being serious too and I'd maybe change that to something else like 'grave' so you aren't using the same emotion so close.

She can’t be that angry or serious if she’s laughing.


This is fine here it's just I'd maybe think she would be thinking that it can't be that big a problem if her mother is laughing, not about her being angry as the main concern at this point would be as to what her mum and stepdad want to talk about.

I replied quickly, trying to get them to forget about what I had just said.


It wouldn't really be trying to get them to forget, maybe instead saying she instantly regretted what she had just said or wished she could take the words back. You could always add in a thought about it not being about the Blake incident too but that's entirely up to you :)

Overall: Well I loved this part, it was a very good cliffhanger to end on ;) I really want to read on! I hope you post the next part soon :P I liked how there were more of her thoughts in this part too, I think they worked well.

I noticed you used smiling quite a bit here, I'd maybe leave it out a couple of times or change it to another description. You also repeated laughing and chuckling a few times, I'd try to vary it more to either a different action to show how they are feeling or using another word to describe it :) I loved how you described the actions and expressions of the characters though- good sense of imagery! The only thing I think could be improved on is when she walks into the kitchen as she sees her mother and stepfather how she feels- you do mention afterwards but maybe her immediate physical feelings would do well in building up the tension in the room.

I think you are developing both Elliot and Roxy well as Lily's friends, I'm really getting a good sense of their personalities :) All my comments are just suggestions and I hope I've helped! :D *star*
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice