Wake Up, You're Dead

He told me he was going to kill me.
And he seemed very serious.
At least I think he was, I really wasn't paying attention.
I figured he was joking.
But then he killed me.

By now, of course, I've figured out that he wasn't teasing.

But I'm dead.
So I've got to wonder, why the hell am I still here?
Firstly, I have to figure out where exactly 'here' is.
It's all pretty dull.
Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

Now I'm not exactly sure whether this is all real or not.
But I know I'm not dreaming.
Because you don't feel it when a car runs you over.
Twice.

I do wish I knew who the fellow was and what I'd done to wrong him.
What could I have done to piss him off so?
Did I do his wife?
Course not, haven't slept with a women since Karen and I were wed.

Oh, that reminds me.
Karen.
I wonder how she's taking all this.
Probably not that well.
I did have a big life insurance policy though.
And we did just have a fight.
Could Karen have had me killed?
No. What nonsense.

And Sam.

Oh, he must be so worried.
I was going to play catch with him.
He was Babe Ruth.
I was Nolan Ryan...

I say, what is that big ray of light up ahead?

*bell rings*

"You have reached Heaven. I'm sorry but God is away right now. Please hold"

*smooth jazz begins to play*


God not in heaven?

This is crazy!
This is absurd!
This is lunacy!
This is whatever other word means 'crazy'!

-Good God, will you shut up!-
I say, who said that?
-Me, the big disembodied voice-
Are you God?
-Oh course I'm not God, otherwise I'd have said 'Good Me!' when I asked you to shut your mouth-
So who are you?
-I am Peter. I hold the keys to Eternity-
Aren't you supposed to be watching the gates. Speaking of that, where are the gates?
-I'm vacationing at the moment. But I couldn't resist playing that recording. Works all the time-

*silence*

Well...
-Well what?-
How do I get into Heaven?
-Well you simply walk-
Walk where?
-Ahead. You'll reach the gates eventually-
Wait, you mean I'm a ways away? Do you guys have bad travel agencies up here or something?
-We feel you'll need the walk. To come to terms with the fact that you're dead-
You know you could get sued for behavior like this.
-There are no lawyers in Heaven. Haven't you ever watched a sitcom before?-
Of course.
-Then walk-

Well how long is the walk?
-Aways-
I thought everything became clear to you after you died
-No. Just when you enter Heaven-
That's a bit overwhelming.
-Yeah well, you still have crap for brains a while longer. So start marching-
Where are you going?
-Back to the Bahamas. I'll check in on you in a while-

*click*
*dial tone*

What a pisser.

----

Well...I've been walking for an hour.
No sign of any gates or trumpet playing winged men in robes.
No sign of a big dude with a beard.
Hey I wonder if grandma's here.
Or Sparky.
Is there a dog Heaven? I'll have to see.
I wonder how Karen is doing.

"Dear lord. Help me to overcome my pain"

I say, Karen?
"Help me find the strength to move on"
Karen?
"Help me to comfort my child. Please Lord"
Karen.
"Please"
My God.
"Please"

*sobbing from unknown source*

Karen. Do not cry.
Please Karen, do not cry.

*sobbing stops*

Do not weep for me.
I will always love you.
Do not cry for me.
I will always be here for you.
Do not cry.
I will watch over you.

*silence*

"In the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit. Amen. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God"

*Karen's voice falls into silence*

-Well done-
Oh, it's you.
-Yes, it's me-
Have you been watching?
-You could say that. I haven't been looking away-
This was a test.
-Indeed-
I must comfort those who loved me before I can move on.
-Yes-

Could-could she hear me?
-Don't be silly, of course not. But she could feel you. Feel your presence-
Really?
-Have you never felt the touch of a loved one who no longer lives? Have you ever felt that they are standing beside you, when you find their old things. They are always here, my friend. Always. As shall you be, until Karen meets you-
I see.
-You do. You have reached the gate-

*glances up*

Wow.
-Yes. Wow.-
It's magnificent.
-It's the gateway to eternity, I'd imagine they spit shine it every now and then-
And this is where we part.
-Indeed-
Thank you, Peter.
-Of course. Just be sure not to tell too many people I'm not at my desk. The big man wouldn't like it-
Indeed.

*Peter laughs*

Will I get to meet him?
-Who?-
God.
-Of course-
Does he have a sense of humor?
-He created you didn't he?-
Ha.
-Goodbye, Dan-

*trumpets sound*
*laughter and voices echo ahead*

Goodbye.

FIN

Ha! First to review!

But hopefully not the first to be stunned. I mean, WOW. What a brilliant topic and execution. At first I thought this was yet another vampire woe-is-me poem *groan*, but I quickly perked up when I realized it was pure, striking originality. And since I see practically nothing to critique, I'll just shower you with praise!

I love the one line stanzas (do you call it a stanza if it only has one line?) Whatever. In any case, it couldn't have a better format. Really sweeps you along. Each line is poignant and powerful. Makes you laugh, makes you cry.

Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

My favorite part.

Oh, he must be so worried.
I was going to play catch with him.
He was Babe Ruth.
I was Nolan Ryan...

Okay, I lied. I do have something to critique. I thought this part seemed weak--maybe because I'm not a baseball person? Hmmm...there could be a way to strengthen this. Catch is so...typical.

Oh course I'm not God, otherwise I'd have said 'Good Me!' when I asked you to shut your mouth-

Amazing!

Do not weep for me.
I will always love you.
Do not cry for me.
I will always be here for you.
Do not cry.
I will watch over you.

Insert giant CONGRATULATIONS here. Somehow--by a stroke of breathtaking genius--you've restated the bland, worn-out concept and made it nearly tear-jerking. You don't assault the reader with purple metaphors and fluffy imagery. You say it like it is. This poem is so great because it's both funny and sad.

That's about it! Ah, such talent. Keep up the great work.

Hi mikepyro! I'm going to review your work. XD

Firstly, I have to figure out where exactly 'here' is.

I think the first without the -ly would work just as well. And it's shorter.

It's all pretty dull.

It's pretty dull would work just as well. Never put in words you can take out. ^^

Wait, you mean I'm a ways away?

I don't understand it.

Nice story. I liked it. But you never revealed who the killer was... Who killed him? Are you going to continue? But then there's nothing to continue...

Try tying up all the loose ends of the story before finishing. It makes the reader much happier.

Also, it's cool. I like your idea of the afterlife.

S'up, Mike,

Um, I don't know what else to put other than this was pure awesomeness! ^^ Sorry, no real critique here to give you.

This was my favorite part, too, Fangala:

Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

Haha, poor, unloved Nebraska and all their corn.

- kittykat


*PS - you get a star

I'm a ways away?

-means he's not right next to the gates. so he has to walk.

and as for the extra words, it's just how he talks. people don't always speak perfectly. but I do see your meaning in the critique

and the idea of the story is not of how he died, but how he's dealing with it. I hoped most readers could just be happy with the story without needing an explanation to a trivial question of who killed him. but if more people have problems with the fact, I will def add something to tie the ends up. thanks for bringing it to my attention.

anyways, I do apreciate your comments, and I will take out the extra words, glad you all liked the story though. really appreciate all your thoughts

<--- that's my appreciation face

I hope you don't mind that I'm reviewing this a month after it was put up. I'm new, so...

I adore this, I really do. This is coming from someone who doesn't really bother with God and whatnot, but I suppose that doesn't really matter in the face of excellent work. If Heaven was like this, well...hmm...you've definitely opened my eyes today.

I really think it's great that you kept it short and simple, mostly dialogue. It's humorous throughout, and that really just adds to how poignant it is. I'd say I loved these pieces best:

Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

It's just so funny. Relatable, and it just says a lot about the character.

-Oh course I'm not God, otherwise I'd have said 'Good Me!' when I asked you to shut your mouth-

I love funny Heaven. People take this stuff way too seriously.

-Goodbye, Dan-
*trumpets sound*
*laughter and voices echo ahead*
Goodbye.

Oh, just...a fantastic end. It's a lovely and touching end.