Who Takes My Heart and Whose I Take

Lord be witness of the one
Who takes my heart and whose I take:
Forever guard You these true vows, which
Trials of evil cannot break.
And time will come when things will change,
Gold will blind as grounds will shake -
Grant though that these hearts will stay,
For Your glory and their own sake.

This is well written and I love the idea behind it. The form is very appropriate to what you're saying. I'd try reading this aloud, as I think there are some slight glitches in how the piece is flowing. For example;

"For Your glory and their own sake".

I'd change this to;
"For Your glory and their sakes."

I'd change "time" to "times",

and "will blind as"

to "will blind and".

Other than that I think it's very good.

Hope this helps.

Jas

short, but well written. maybe you can add more? i'd love to see more of it. :] anyway, i just have one problem:

fleur de l'est wrote:Forever guard You these true vows, which
Trials of evil cannot break.

why not do it this way:
Forever guard You these true vows,
which trials of evil cannot break.

I respect Jasmine's review, but in my opinion, changing it further would destroy the rhymes and rhythm which you've already done quite right. I think those little changes are unnecessary.