The Roaring Sound of Silence

More is coming. ^_^

*

“Lin! Oh, please Graves! We have to take her to the doctor!”

“I don’t think so, Abigail.”

“Graves! Please! If we don’t, she could be killed by whatever this fever is!”

I wailed and thrashed around in the cool sheets as my sister gently put a wet cloth on my forehead. The heat was too much. Too much.

“No Abigail!”

“Yes!”

There was a loud crash and a thud, as if a body had hit the ground. I heard the door slam open and I felt the cool arms wrap around me and pick me up.

I opened my eyes to look at Mommy staring at me, crying. “We are going to get you to a hospital now, Lin,” she said, crying. Her cool tears fell onto my face.

“I love you Lin,” she said and that was the last thing I heard before everything went black.

*

Silence.

Dead, roaring silence.

I watched the others play with the legos as I sat by myself at the table. One girl looked up at me and smiled, reminding me of my older sister. Another girl, with long blonde hair, was stealing the legos from the others. She laughed at the boy that she stole the legos from, because he had started crying.
I wanted to go over to the boy and comfort him. But what could I do?

I wouldn’t be able to.

I couldn’t talk.

I jumped as the familiar flowery smell struck my nose. I turned around to see Mommy and the curly hair lady talking, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. Mommy turned around and looked at me, as if she could tell that I was looking at her.

I turned back around to watch the blonde girl making fun of the crying boy. The boy was now trying to grab the legos, but the girl kept on stealing them. Finally, she just slapped him across the face, leaving a bright red streak.

I quickly turned around to look at the curly hair lady who usually takes care of these things. She was still talking to Mommy, not paying attention to the scene.

I turned, again, and saw the boy standing up and walking away from the blonde girl. He sat down at the far end of the corner table, as far away from the blonde girl as he could get. She did nothing but laugh at him.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

No.

I stood up from the table, and all the kids immediately turned their heads to look at me. Their eyes grew wide and stared at me in curiosity. I took a step and I could see the shocked faces of everyone as their mouths dropped.

It scared me at first, but I kept walking. The boy first looked at me with wide eyes, and then slowly began to give me a sad smile.

I was about half-way there when I felt a hand grasp my arm. I looked up to see the curly hair lady giving me a stern look. She motioned back to the table where I was sitting at earlier.

She wants me to sit down again.

I shook my head and started back towards the boy. She gently stopped me again and motioned back to the table.

Does she think I’m dumb or something?

I shook my head again and turned back to the boy. Before I could walk any farther, she jerked my arm back forcefully, sending pain up to my shoulder. I gasped as she gave me an ugly look and started dragging me to the table.

No! I want to go to the crying boy!

I started to cry as I tried to look back at the boy. He started to cry again, too. I could see the blonde girl laughing again out of the corner of my eye.

When we got to the table, the curly hair lady picked me up and put me in my chair. I did nothing as the tears rolled down my face and onto my dress.

Mommy glided to me between the other tables, looking at me dead in the eye. She stopped and crouched down in front of me and moved her mouth. This time, I knew what she was saying.

“Lin.”

I flung myself at her and buried my head into her hair, sobbing. She gently put her arms around me and held me tight. The flowery smell swirled all around me.

I just wanted to help. That’s all.

Mommy stood up as I looked up. I saw the rest of the kids still looking at me as she began to walk to the door. The curly hair looked at me disapprovingly and I buried my head into Mommy’s hair again.

Why can’t they understand?

I want to talk. I want to, but I can’t.

If I could, they would have let me go to the crying boy.

But I can’t because I can’t hear.

When I looked up again, Mommy was setting me down in front of the car. I grabbed onto her leg as she dug through her bag. She opened the car door and I climbed into the seat and grabbed the teddy bear that was next to me.

Why can’t they understand me like you do, Beary?

I held Beary closer to me as Mommy started the car and started driving away from the crying boy.

I want to talk, Beary, but I can't because of the roaring sound of silence.



*Lin

Awesome title, By the way

The piece is written really well. I especially like the italicized thoughts. This scene conveys deep emotion, even though the story hasn't picked up just yet. I love the way the MC seems like a real person. Her troubles seem real to me.

Keep up the good work

Hey, Cat! I noticed this only had one review, and I certainly think it deserves more than that! So here I have come to save the day! Hooray!

“Lin! Oh, please Graves! We have to take her to the doctor!”

This is kind of a silly nitpick, but it was bothering me. There should be a comma after 'please'.

I opened my eyes to look at Mommy staring at me, crying. “We are going to get you to a hospital now, Lin,” she said, crying.

You already established that she was crying, so I would take out the second 'crying' in that paragraph.

She laughed at the boy that she stole the legos from, because he had started crying.

What if Lin described how she couldn't hear the laugh? What if you had her imagine what that laugh was like? I think this would really hit home for the readers and make her deafness a lot more meaningful.

I couldn’t talk.

This would make more sense if it were "I can't talk."

I jumped as the familiar flowery smell struck my nose. I turned around to see Mommy and the curly hair lady talking, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. Mommy turned around and looked at me, as if she could tell that I was looking at her.

I turned back around to watch the blonde girl making fun of the crying boy.

I quickly turned around to look at the curly hair lady who usually takes care of these things.

I turned, again, and saw the boy standing up and walking away from the blonde girl.

In these four above quotes, which were all in the same section of the story, you say "I turned" far too much. The repetition was a little annoying. For some of these, you could come up with another way to describe the motion. "I twisted around in my seat" or something to that effect.

He started to cry again, too.

When you said this, I was confused because before this it sounded like he never stopped. I thought he was still crying?

I held Beary closer to me as Mommy started the car and started driving away from the crying boy.

Saying 'started' twice in this sentence kind of makes it awkward to read.
_____

So now for the overall!

I loved your take on the subject of deafness. I like that she wasn't always deaf, but it was caused by that fever. It makes the story a lot more significant, knowing that she once knew what the sounds of the world were but now she can no longer hear them.

Along with the very first bit of the story, you never exactly say who Graves is, which kind of makes his appearance a little pointless. Maybe you should just call him Doctor, so we know instantly what exactly was going on in that scene. It was a little confusing to follow at first.

I really would have liked to have seen more emotion in the story. She's deaf! Think how hard that must be for her. Reading this story, though there are some difficulties for her, we don't really know how she feels about being deaf. Does she have memories of sounds? Does she wish nearly every moment of her life that she could just hear her mommy once more? Even though she's a child, children can feel extreme emotions just as well as adults can. It would have been wonderful to get more of a glimpse into this character's mind.

Even so, this story is wonderful. Normally I would say to give more description of the character's surroundings, but I think having so little of it works well with this story, since it is told from a child's point of view. You really are a very good writer! I'm glad to have finally read something of yours!

-Holly

Cat! Whee! Music here. xD


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I opened my eyes to look at Mommy staring at me, crying. “We are going to get you to a hospital now, Lin,” she said, crying. <---Notice a similarity between the two underlined words? Why don't you strike the second one? The sentence that follow is is enough.

I took a step, and I could see the shocked faces of everyone as their mouths dropped.<---This wasn't the first or last time in the piece you'd forgotten a comma, darling.

Language Usage & Writing Style: I liked the flow of this piece. I didn't find much wrong with this department, only that I feel you could express the movement of the other characters' mouths more. The girl is still able to see it, no? Wouldn't a deaf person kind of focus on that once in a while, wishing they could hear the sound out of those mouths? Just be sure to add in such a thing as description every now and again.


Imagery & Emotion: Your imagery was nice. I suggest that you add more sight, smell, and feeling into it, since she can't hear or speak. You should try to focus on other senses like a deaf person in reality would. For example- she tells us the children are playing with legos, why not say what colors they are? Is the curly hair lady's hand a bit too warm or cold for your MC's liking? Things like this will help us really get into her perspective, dear.
Your emotion was spot-on. But realize the very large importance of body language, Cat. That's going to replace dialogue for your MC, and she needs to focus on that.


Characters: I thought you developed them pretty well. I definitely need to see more of the mother, but I feel that I get the basis of who Lin (coincidence- I think not!) is.
I'd really like to see Lin have a special bond with someone- Abigail, maybe? One that's really deep and realistic that will add to the two characters' personalities and make them more 3D for me. And an explanation of why Lin is deaf will probably help, too.
But, I don't know what age Lin is, and I was really wondering about it. I'm guessing she's younger because she calls her mother "Mommy", but could you hint as to what her exact age is?


Plot & Storyline: I like where this is going, darling! While I'd like to know why she went deaf, I'm just hoping you'll inform us later. I want to see a climax draw up, though. Of course, that isn't entirely necessary until a few more chapters pass.


Overall, nice work! Notify me when more comes, please! xD


Love,
Music

Lin gets my 500th review! *throws confetti*

So, hey there, June here. I'm kind of not sure what to write here, hehe, which is sort of ridiculous. But, yes, anyway, let's start reviewing:

She laughed at the boy that she stole the legos from, because he had started crying.

• Somehow this sentence just stuck out. Perhaps it needs to be tightened up; One of the boys she had stolen legos from started to cry. She laughed at him as she ran away. Or something to that effect.

I turned around to see Mommy and the curly hair lady talking, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

• curly-haired or lady with the curly hair.

The boy was now trying to grab the legos, but the girl kept on stealing them.

Hmm, stealing sounds a bit too big and repetitive for this sentence, dear. Perhaps switch with "taking".




- - - -

So, Lin, this is a beautiful start. I love how you opened with commotion, a frantic event of sorts and automatically jump to the aftermath.

I would say to pay attention to Lin's characterization, and give us hints to how old she is. But! I didn't want to mention that early on, because from the part where her mother picks her up, and the relationship between her and her bear, she's obviously young.

I said that to say, coming from her viewpoint, she seems kind of old. That's not a bad thing though! Naturally someone who cannot hear anymore would be more observant, so, this is great.


I would love for you to continue this, Lin! You are off to a spectacular start. Keep it up!

Juniper

(500th review, woot!)