Shattered Hope

I wrote this in the 6th grade, and it is based on a book, though I can't remember what book. That doesn't matter much though.

The trees sing to me as the wind blows through my hair.
Their songs of hope and freedom enchant me.
Then they stop one day
When the white X curses them,
The mark of the white lumberman

As the trees stop singing
I lose hope
In freedom for me
And for all of man kind.
The songs stop.
And the sounds of chopping and buzzing start.
The sounds burn my ears and stain my heart
And my spirit is broken.
The sounds are horrid.
So horrid I want to cry forever if the trees won't sing again

These are the last sounds
The forest will ever make.

Hello. =]

I. NITPICKS

As a general note, remember that grammar in poetry is no different to that of prose; that is to say, only put capital letters at the start of every sentence and proper noun.

And for all of man kind

"man kind" = "mankind"

Dear me, your commas are all over the place. You need to keep it powerful, and the rhythm in this piece is seemed to be defined by the choppy commas and lack of emphasis on certain lines. I'll try and clear some of the areas up.

The mark of the white lumberman

Put in a full stop at the end of this.

As the trees stop singing
I lose hope
In freedom for me
And for all of man kind.

Here's how I would put this:

"As the trees stop singing,
"I lose hope
"in freedom for me,
"and for the rest of man kind."

The songs stop.

We know. It's already been stated in the sentence before.

II. TITLE

No. I just finished writing a review for a new member, right here, with pretty much the same title. And I'll tell you the same thing; too often are we relied upon to care for someone's loss of hope, or dreams, when really we have no reason--would we care if Stalin had been prevented from his dream of power? Or if Hitler's Nazi regime had been denied to him? No. We just wouldn't. Focus on the actual hope itself. Name it. Build the poem around that central theme. So much is important about the first few words a reader sees in a poem. Keep it symbolic by being literal in the title and referencing the trees.

III. THE POEM ITSELF

The trees sing to me as the wind blows through my hair.

Why on earth trees? Having read the poem, I love the contrast in the forest with the deforestation and such, but trees don't really sing. What dreams do trees have? How about seeds--they want to become mighty beasts of wood, but when the lumberman comes, he can't. that's what I would do. But it's your choice. I just don't feel the reader can relate to a tree's dream.

These are the last sounds
The forest will ever make.

Right now, I feel as though you've drifted away from dreams again and we're just getting a description about dying dreams. Wrap up the shattered hope here, not death. That's been done. (So has hope, but the twist you've already thrown on it could make it far more original, if used correctly.)

I'm in love with the rhyme of "heart" and "start". I think it's brilliantly placed and the emphasis is well done.

IV. VOICE

I think the voice is excellent here, but I'd like to see a couple more rhymes on the choppier/shorter lines, to make the flow more connected (but don't compromise the strength of the blunt parts). Also, if you want to get a little more interesting with syllables and such, try stressing the important sections. "The sounds are horrid" could be written with a better adjective, or maybe in a more show-y way (it makes you clasp your hands to your ears, for example). That better adjective, however, should you keep it, might work well with different syllables stressed. It's difficult to explain. Try different words, and speak them. Which sounds best?

I hope I've helped here! PM me with any questions, and if you edit this, feel free to use my suggestions. In fact, if you don't, I'll come and get you. =]

Best
Blinky

Hey hey hey Ryan! June here! (At long last)

Let's begin with this, kay?

Firstly, this is brilliant. Not to judge by age or educational level or anything, but this is really brilliant for a 6th grader! Great job. Let me forewarn you, though, I'm a very harsh critic. =)

The trees sing to me as the wind blows through my hair.

Their songs of hope and freedom enchant me.

Then they stop one day

When the white X curses them,

The mark of the white lumberman

• I think that your first line is a little bit stretched out. I think it needs to be cropped down a tad, and made to conform a little bit more with the poem, dear. Usually, a poem could follow a first-line's pattern, but I think your first line is too big. So! The underlined "filler" words can go kapish, dear.

• Try not to bring us to so many "full stops" using periods, dearie. It's a lot better if you end some lines with commas and others with semicolons. It helps the flow in poetry a good deal!

• Try reversing some of these lines, dear. Make them sound creative, and come to life with colorful words and bright! Make us want to read more and more of this until we get to the end, dear. You have all the right ideas-- you just need to put them into the right words in the right order.

As the trees stop singing

I lose hope

In freedom for me

Alrighty, so! Give us reasoning here. If the trees stop singing, why are you losing hope, dear? Tell us why. Give us something to base this heavily upon, Bolt! This is a wonderful poem, and you need to make sure it doesn't slip up anywhere.

And for all of man kind.

The songs stop.

And the sounds of chopping and buzzing start.

The sounds burn my ears and stain my heart

• Pay attention to line length! It's very important, and for now, I think your lines are way too staggered for one stanza. First you have the nice, short ones, and then as we come to the end, you get longer and longer until it's too long.

• Don't try to force the rhyme in! It's not necessary to have the rhyme-- while it's cool, it is kind of detracting from the fullness of this, dear, because it sounds almost as if you did it just for style. With this poem, the main thing you really, really want is not style. You want meaning, dear.

And my spirit is broken.

The sounds are horrid.

So horrid I want to cry forever if the trees won't sing again

• Why is your spirit broken? Give us a reason to understand this, dear. Show us the connectivity between your spirit and the trees. Be more creative with this, and don't just direct it at/on how it affects you. Give us some surrounding touch-- how the animals and other things would feel by this.

• Repetition! I don't think that the repetition of "horrid" is doing much for this poem. In fact, I would eliminate the entire last line, dear, because all of this information is implied by the surrounding lines.

These are the last sounds

The forest will ever make.

Now I'm confused. What sounds? The sounds of your cries? Or the sounds of the trees?

Because the trees have been silenced, then it should be something more along the lines of "these were the last..." or "those were the..." something more past-tense-ish, dear!



So, let's summarize.


I think that this was a wonderful foundation and great idea for a poem, but in some ways I felt that the ideas could be presented in a more "cleaner/clearer" perspective. I think that if we had more to base your words upon (such as reasons for your spirit dying, more on these lumberjacks and so on so forth) then we would be able to better relate to this.

I also think that you should have expanded more on the forest, and less on how it's making this narrator feel. I think the narrator should have had a more outside perspective, because the insight here was a bit close.

On the whole, nice job, dear. Keep up the good work.


Juniper

Hiya Blot! Here to review.

OK, I mostly found that the stanzas vary in length much more than I'd like to see them do. You could maybe break them up differently to even it out? I found no real structure or rhythm either. Sorry
I also found that the periods you use at the end of many of your lines slow down what little rhythm it had. Try commas, and maybe even nothing at all in some of those! They will be perfectly fine without them.

A book that really sounds like this is called Fire on the Wind by Linda Crew. It is a very good book, I might say, and if you haven't already read it I would. It's very much worth the time, and it is based on a true story. It's ending is absolutely phenomenal.

So! That's all I have to say. Great job, and keep working at it!

~April