locked up

Locked up


Take all ma money take everyin a got
Take the world from me
it really aint a lot
Bein locked up in ere don’t know
how many times before
Lookin for the right side
to escape the law
this justice is not right
just cause a caused a fight
I was pissin about
Not lookin for the best way out
I got ma kids at home
But no money comin in
Cause I diny pay the taxes
Or the house hold rent
I for got tay tell me boss
I was kinda off ill
While watchin the footie
Not botherin with the bills
I diny wash ma clothes
Or do the ironing
And the toilet aint been washed
since 1999
so am glad am locked up
all away fae the world
no one can see me
when a do a hurl
or walk home drunken all in whurls
a might as well give up
the fight for freedom
a haveny got a spoon
to dig me down town
quess is really true then
that really small rhyme
if you diny want the time
diny bother wit the crime

I had to comment on this, because I adore the way you wrote the voice of the Scottish guy. At least I assume he's Scottish, since you're in Scotland. So I read this in my head in a Scottish accent, actually I rapped this in my head in an accent, which sounded both incredibly cool and horrible.

Anyway. So I won't comment on the a's instead of I's and diny's and that stuff - although maybe the a's should be capitalised? Not sure.

What I will comment on is the structure. I think it should be divided into stanzas, so it would be easier to read and look a bit cleaner, if you know what I mean. Otherwise it's just a string of words, not as much the story that it should be.

The other thing is that while I was reading (rapping) I noticed that almost all your lines are different lengths, which makes for no rhythm. Read this out loud a couple time, decide where you need to add a syllable and where you need to take one out, and edit accordingly.

Oh, and also, we have a rule that you should review two other pieces for every work of your own you post. If you're not sure how to review, check out this article and reading the rules is always a good idea. Perhaps make a post in the Welcome forum, that way you'll get the 411 on everything YWS.

Thanks for making me laugh.
-Mars

Hi there!

I was almost going to comment that i find the usage of words very informal. But thanks to "Mars", now i get it! It definitely sounded more like a rap than a poem, maybe you can compose a song!?

It does need a lot of work with punctuation marks and it'll be more of a poem if they're divided in stanzas. Count the syllables in each line so you could come up with better rhythm. Who knows, you might be composing songs for rappers soon! lol! I enjoyed reading this, though! Keep it up!

- coco

I do like this quite alot but it does sound alot like a rap song.

RAP - Retards Attempting Poetry.


I believe that, and I still strongly believe that, and rap cannot be considered as poetry. Rap is part of the pop culture, but no... it should not be considered as poetry. Its foundation is too weak for that. It has some rhythm, this poem - yes, I'll give you that, but if you tell me that this is rap, I'll gladly take back my good sentiments. Rap is annoying.


Like another reviewer have mentioned above, this was a very informally written poem, but nevertheless, it is okay; likable, even. Just a bit of punctuation and chopping up of stanzas and this will probably improve. The imagery, however, was quite confusing and cliched. If you had brought to us a new 'zing' to the usual image of a prisoner, I would've applauded you. And oh, just so you know, prisoners do wash their clothes. And iron them. And they do clean out their toilets. They even take showers, for Pete's sake. Their wardens will put them in solitary if they don't. They are actually pretty neat, but yes... maybe in some districts they still haven't cleaned out their toilets since 1999, but that's exaggeration. The toilet would have to be removed. And that would have to stink. And it would affect the community of prisoners. And they wouldn't want that.


Also, you lack a 3D feel overall. It's a little bit... cardboard-y. He's just complaining. We couldn't really relate to him. He lacks something. Shouldn't he be a bit more depressed about being locked up? Well, why was he locked up? And why's he trying to escape the law?



So much for that. I hope that helped somehow.



See you around.



~ KL