Lurker

Removed.

Hi! I'm going to review your work today.

The road with all its corrosive orange streetlights looked like some big centipede with fluorescent legs, too bright and not to mention kind of scary when it’s that late and you’re that drunk.

The road, with all its corrosive orange streetlights, looked like...

It's a personal preference. I don't think there's anything wrong with the original.

There was a chance we could run into people, but crossing paths with nocturnal weirdos didn’t bother me as much as getting caught by cruising cops.

There was a chance we would... I think would is the word, not could.

“Who’s there?” he yelled into the drain.

“Stay here,” he told me

It should be one line, because when it's a new line it usually denotes a different speaker.
"Who's there?" He yelled into the drain. He turned around and faced me, "Stay here."

Okay, not so good. But you get the idea.

I swear I could feel things swimming in between my feet.

I swore I felt things swimming in between my feet.

Keep your tenses consisted.

I was dismayed because the change in direction meant I couldn’t look back and see the dim pinpoint of light that was the tunnel exit

I think you can take out "I was dismayed because". We already know you're stating the reason for his feelings.

The darkness before me seemed to take on some primal awareness, it had become a cunning hunter and I the prey.

...and I its prey. I think it would work better that way.

Then a blast of frigid wind slammed into me.

Putting then before the sentence is redundant because you put then at the beginning of the paragraph.


That aside, it wasn't so creepy (but fear not, I don't scare easy if it's not a movie). UNTIL the end, where you describe the thing.

That freaked me out. I'm half-expecting it to pop out later when I try to go to sleep in the dark. >.<"

Good story. And cool ending - I gotta admit, I never thought smoking would ever save my life. Thank god my brother always carried a light.

XD

Sincerely,

Banango Cheesecake

Hi there, Katha! Lin here. Saw this and thought that I would review it. ^_^

So, here we go, dear.

Rating I saw that this was rated PG, but I think it will be better off being PG-13. Just saying, darling.

*

The road with all its corrosive orange streetlights looked like some big centipede with fluorescent legs, too bright and not to mention kind of scary when it’s that late and you’re that drunk.

I love this line, except I think it would sound better if you took out that last that. I love it thought. ^_^

“Piss off,” he drew and blew smoke in my face.

That comma should be a period, which means that he needs to be capitalized.

*

Telling, showing, yadada There was a lot of telling instead of showing throughout this whole piece. But instead of just trying to fix all that, why not make this like a journal entry?

It's almost like that anyway, because the MC is acting comfortable telling this story. Also, because it does sound like he is telling.

And it would be really interesting to see it that way. I think it would work out, though.

^^ Just a suggestion, darling.

Great grammar and great imagery.

Good job, dear.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments about anything.

*Lin