ZakkuAlpha wrote:Chapter 1: Killer's Rage
The gloomy city was almost pitched black 'pitch black' at ten o' clock on a Friday night. Very few windows were lighted 'lighted', while legitimate, doesn't sound good to me. I suggest 'lit'. Alternatively, rephrase the sentence... eg. 'A spectral few windows spilled light into the empty streets.' and the streets were empty. The portly Mayor of this city resided resided seems unnecessarily complicated, and doesn't give a very potent image besides. I would find 'sat' to be more effective, especially since this appears to be implied... (in the next sentence he gets out of a chair) in his office, finishing up some overdue paperwork. A knock was heard on the door Yucky. A knock was heard? Why not just say: 'There was a knock on the door and...' I'd consider changing the rest of the sentence too, as the repetition of 'door' isn't doing you any favours. and he got out of the chair to open the door. The knock was made by one of the building's security guards <-- Full stop.
“Do you need anyone to stay with you Mr. Mayor?” He asked. <-- 'He asked' is a dialogue tag, so the 'He' should not be capitalised.
“No, I just have a couple more papers to sign then I'm returning to my family.” <-- This sounds like very... unnatural dialogue to me. I've never heard someone say something like that. 'then I'll head home.' Maybe.
With that, the security guard left the office and the Mayor was alone in the building. He considered himself safe in his city but the Mayor was wrong. He calmly continued to fill out papers and occasionally glanced at the picture of his two beautiful daughters on his desk.
Creak, the mayor heard the sound in the hallway. It must just be a mouse, he told himself. It was true; several mice had been seen in the offices lately. The Mayor relaxed and continued working.
Creak, he heard the sound again. Now the Mayor grew very nervous. Another Mice <-- mouse?, he asked himself.
Creak, the sound was very near and the Mayor could barely control himself. He was scared out of his mind.
Creak, the door to his office made as it swung open. A <-- I think 'The' is more suitable. dark silhouette of a man appeared in the door way. The Mayor was shaking as the figure came closer to his desk. The lamp on top of it illuminated the man's appearance.
The shadow was revealed to be a young man with dark black <-- As opposed to 'light black'. (Lose the 'dark'.) hair that was unkempt and greasy. He had a very pale face and dark green eyes that taunted the Mayor. The man wore all black and had gloves covering his hand that was holding a large butcher's knife. <-- This last sentence needs to be changed. The easiest way to have it make sense would be to make 'hand' into 'hands' and 'was' into 'were'. But I suggest you revise it a little more.
“What... do you... want with me?” The Mayor could barely form the words and had an enormous amount of terror showing on his chubby face.
“I want to take this blade and shove it into you your little heart,” the killer said calmly and held onto the last syllable of each word, “I've seen what you've turned this town into and I want it to stop!” The man was infuriated now.
“No! I'm sorry. I'll do anything for you... anything! “ The mayor pleaded, “I have two wonderful daughters and a beautiful wife. Please don't kill me!”
“I don't care, dammit!” The killer yelled, “I hate you and that's why you have to leave this city earlier than you expected!” In his wild fit of rage, the killer trusted thrust? his knife back and prepared to strike the mayor.
“Nooooo!” <-- The repetition of the letter 'o' here is distracting.The mayor screamed as the blade went into his heart and took away his precious life. His yell was so loud that the security guard heard it five floors down. The guard was just about to leave but instead he called for backup and started sprinting back to the mayor's office.
Meanwhile, the killer wiped the blood off his knife. “Ha Ha! <-- ha! The Mayor is finally dead!” He said to the empty office.
“Gaunt!” A women appeared in the doorway looking appalled at the man's presence in the office. She was a young blond women with bright blue eyes and a petite body. “Oh no,” she said when her eyes fell upon the mayor's corpse. “Gaunt, not again. I told you that you need help for your anger condition” <-- What goes at the end of every sentence?
“I don't need any help!” ( Again, the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalised. --> He yelled at her, “I'm fine!”
She moved towards him and place her hands on his shoulders. “Your condition is nothing to be ashamed of but it has caused you to take innocent lives away.” She stared deeply into his eyes.
“Shut up!” His eyes flared with anger and rage overcame him. He took his blade and swiftly shot it across her neck. She fell to the floor and looked at Gaunt as she began to rapidly loose blood. When Gaunt realized what he had done, he dropped the knife and ran to her.
“It's not your fault; I still love you,” she looked into his eyes as she died.
“No, I murdered my only lover. The only one in the world who understood me.” He dropped to his knees and began crying over her corpse.
“You're under arrest!” Gaunt looked up to find the security guard at the doorway who was holding <-- Try 'looked up to see the security guard in the doorway aiming a' a gun to his head. Then the guard looked with horror at the two corpses.
“You vile fiend!” Gaunt stood with his hands in the air.
“You're surrounded killer. Guards are entering the building as we speak and helicopters are outside the window,” the guard warned him.
Gaunt stared at the guard, still dis trot <-- distraught at the death of his lover. I need to escape, He thought. He glanced at the window and noticed it was made of thin glass.
I can break through that window, he assured himself. Nice.
Gaunt looked quickly at the guard then shot to the window. He used his head to shatter the glass and felt a bullet glide just above his neck. Gaunt flew out the six story window and landed on the roof of a building below.
When Gaunt landed, he felt a cracking sound in his ankles. Then a spot light shined down upon him. It was one of the police helicopters. Gaunt started sprinting away from the helicopter's light. His ankles gave him antagonizing 'agonizing' pain and he heard police sirens in all directions.
They're coming closer, he thought. Up ahead the roof was ending and another roof was only a jump away. Gaunt believed that he could make the jump. When he came upon the gap he pushed done <-- 'down' on his broken ankles and jumped with all of his energy. He was flying in the air and it looked like he was going to make it <-- I would put a comma here. but he started falling.
Gaunt flew straight down to the street and his head hit the pavement. Repetition of 'his head' is distracting. His head was cracked open and blood came gushing out. The last thing he saw was a police officer standing over him. Then Gaunt passed on. 'passed on' is a strange epithet for death to put in this particular context. Passing on is... more suitable for a peaceful sort of death, which this is not. I think what you meant was 'passed out'? I would revise this last part.
“Oh no,” she said when her eyes fell upon the mayor's corpse. “Gaunt, not again. I told you that you need help for your anger condition”When I first read this, I thought she was saying this in a calm voice, kind of like "Gaunt, you and your crazy antics. Ha ha." It had a comical effect on me that I know wasn't intended. Just stress how she's worried and concerned, as I'm sure that's what you meant to convey.
He used his head to shatter the glass and felt a bullet glide just above his neck.This is just one of the examples where you use a passive-voice. You state this as though it's no more interesting than dropping by the store and buying groceries. At least, that's the impression I get. You could try something like:
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