dear poet

ink to your paper -- like astrology to our night
compassing dusty eyes
and lifting hopeless hearts. you move,
not by the atlantic tempest or
the mishandle of atlas,
but.
you move,
with the quiver of your wrist
and a pen
dispelling stars
running the course of your constellation.

the repose in your words – like swordplay with umbrellas,
driven from the calm
after the choke of your heart. it touches,
unlike azure nursing coastlines,
but.
it touches; in myriad
like the effleurage of ghosts
and the linger of buried memories
commanding an army
of hairs on stubborn,
unbendable, un s h a k e a ble skin.

the vigor of your poet – like a phoenix in rising,
attested by acquisition of defeats
and the dinosaur in your bones, it speaks,
unlike music,
but.
it speaks, of comfort,
in silence
the way graffiti wails
and the way oxygen whispers,
at the confluence of cold veins
in the chink of one’s armor,
and in the wake of a collapse, your poetry, it speaks.

I have to say I really enjoyed this. It painted a nice picture, and I love some of the phrases like "the way oxygen whispers" and "dispelling stars". The comparisons you used were creative and magical.

My advice to you would be to, first of all, rethink some of your punctuation. I'm not an expert, but it seemed like some places needed commas, while others didn't. Another look over it might help it flow a bit better as a whole. Other than that, I would have liked to see a bit more... I don't know... action. A story, rather than just telling. But, I suppose that's more for the Narrative Poetry section.

Overall, it was quite lovely.

Keep on writing!

Hello!

I must agree. This was very nice, and not just because it's one of my favorite types of poetry (and, incidentally, the one I'm worst at). I especially loved the 'lifting hopeless hearts' and 'commanding an army of hairs' bits. The only thing I really didn't like was the spacing out of unshakeable; it's unnecessary and doesn't really work imho. And my computer says it's spelled wrong.

Please, please keep writing.
-Mars

PS - on YWS we have this rule that you should review two other pieces before posting your own. This spreads some love and makes others more eager to read your poems; if you're not quite sure how to review things, there's an article on it here. It's a good idea to post in the Welcome forum, that way you'll get the whole 411.

I love it. Smart but not overbearing. I especially adore the first line:

ink to your paper -- like astrology to our night

I like the depth in your words and the way you explored into contrasting mundane things with a poet's writing... beautiful!

Keep it up!

Hey there, welcome to the YWS. First and foremost I’d like to remind you that the YWS has a policy that when posting a work, the writer must review 2 other works. This ratio of 2:1 posting helps keep our site running at a healthy speed, where everyone can get their work looked at.


On to the poem!

I’d like to rant about how pretty this is, and it definitely is, don’t get me wrong, but you’re lacking something in the middle there. I’m not sure, to be honest, about what happens in the second stanza. Not because it’s unclear, but because I almost completely skipped over it. This wasn’t intentional, I do like reading whole poems, but my brain just glossed over it all. Why? I believe it’s because this poem is rambly. Partway in there my brain said “You don’t need to know this” and skipped it all.

The lack of capitals here is frustrating for me. I realize this is probably some post-modern concept you want to employ in relation to your subject matter – the poet? I ask if it is the poet, because it might not be. It seems to address the poet but be about the writing, rather than the person. You use skin and poet and eyes and so forth, but they feel to be personifying the action, or the result, rather than the person you are identifying in your title. So, the lack of capitals? Not quite fitting your subject matter, I don’t think, but if you have a valid reason for it, other than being post-modern or fancy, then keep it.

What I’d like to ask about is your structure. You have one word lines and few word lines, and whole lines. None of these seem to be for any real reason. You emphasise some words, and some others through the technique, but these aren’t particularly important words or phrases. They could easily be placed in a normal line and still be understood as separate concepts.


This is, really, a quite lovely poem. It’s eloquent and pretty and whatnot, but I think you lose in the rambling, and in your structure. Perhaps you’d benefit from condensing it slightly? This will be mainly done though altering your structure, but it may also benefit you to see which lines may be dropped without damaging your letter poem.

I do like it, but I think you need to revise, maybe. ^^ Don’t forget those reviews! And, feel free to Pm me with any questions, issues, or just to chat.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Welcome to YWS mate,

First of all... I loved the poem.

I like your style, its so precise with the imagery

Nothing much really constructive to say, I loved the idea of an umbrella sword-fight

and:
"it speaks, of comfort,
in silence
the way graffiti wails
and the way oxygen whispers,
at the confluence of cold veins
in the chink of one’s armor,
and in the wake of a collapse, your poetry, it speaks."

just wow. I will always think of oxygen whispering and graffiti wailing.

And astrology references at the beginning give it a real interesting perspective. It makes your words larger, sort of god-like in a way, if you know what I mean.

And thats what poetry is to me, nailed. So points for the theme too..

So yeah, alot of points for you, and a star

Brendan

Cragunton wrote:ink to your paper -- like astrology to our night
compassing dusty eyes
and lifting hopeless hearts. you move,
not by the atlantic tempest or
the mishandle of atlas,
but.
you move,
with the quiver of your wrist
and a pen
dispelling stars
running the course of your constellation.

the repose in your words – like swordplay with umbrellas,
driven from the calm
after the choke of your heart. it touches,
unlike azure nursing coastlines,
but.
it touches; in myriad
like the effleurage of ghosts
and the linger of buried memories
commanding an army
of hairs on stubborn,
unbendable, un s h a k e a ble skin.

the vigor of your poet – like a phoenix in rising,
attested by acquisition of defeats
and the dinosaur in your bones, it speaks,
unlike music,
but.
it speaks, of comfort,
in silence
the way graffiti wails
and the way oxygen whispers,
at the confluence of cold veins
in the chink of one’s armor,
and in the wake of a collapse, your poetry, it speaks.

this poem is awesome with generous usage of good words and phrases. and has got a very deep meaning, and the flow - i am amazed...

Aw, thank you all for your comments and critiques.

Yes, I have had a lot of peers, professors and fellow poets talk about my style of run on sentences, lower case lettering and inappropiate placement of periods and grammer .. hahaha ..

i would like to call it, as stated above, some post-modern style that brinks avant garde, but i think i do it to capitalize on the flow of the poem.

Thanks again for all the comments!