Justyna

Seasons of the Heart

Do you remember the fields in Summer?
The way we fell between the rows and touched.
That was the day I became a lover,
Naked in the warm breeze, to you I clutched.

Do you remember the distance in Fall?
The pain of the day that you flew back east.
It is the emptiness that I recall,
Thinking that lonliness would never cease.

Do you remember the end in Winter?
With the false smiles that littered Christmas day.
My heart pierced as if by a blunt splinter,
Cold winds to cold heart, white snow to dull grey.

The new year is broke and now it is spring.
Everyone says new year brings new hope,
But as bees return the memories sting,
The new year is hard, but my heart must cope.

As long as my heart in this body beats,
My life without you will be incomplete.

Hello again!

Is this a sonnet? I love sonnets. And this looks like an English one; ABABCDCDEFEFGG. Except you have one extra quatrain, so I suppose not a proper one.

Anyway.

My heart pierced as if by a blunt splinter,

This lines seems to have too many syllables. What if you took out the 'as if' and made your simile into a metaphor? That conveys a stronger image as well.

But as bees return the memories sting,

Favorite line.
But what I didn't like about that stanza was that you said 'new year' three times in four lines, and it became too repetitive. Try and replace one or two of them with something else.

And I absolutely adore the ending. Lovely.

All in all, it was very good; nice to have the seasons with their relationship, it creates a pleasant image. Especially the first stanza. Well done. (And feel free to ignore my suggestions if you want, thought I do think they'd help.)
-Mars

hi Mars, thanks for the suggestions, I dont ignore any advice anyone gives me, I just dont always update the poems on here but all the suggestions get worked into newer pieces im writing, thanks again for commenting

oh and yeh you're right its a sonnet but I broke the rules a little to fit each of the seasons in, I hope it doesnt affect the poem in a negative way