Lily Foxglove 4.2

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Hey =] I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to post this part, but I got distracted with writing my new story (Untitled). I only remembered that I'd promised to post this part, when my agent emailed me to ask how the re-editing was going. Ooops! :oops: Oh well. I hope you guys like this part. Rip it apart, please :) xDudettex

When I reached the toilets, I saw a number of year sevens whispering outside. I shot them a deathly glare as I pushed the door open. As soon as I was inside, I could hear sobbing coming from one of the cubicles. Deciding on the one furthest from the door, I knocked.

“Someone’s in here,” Roxy called out from the other side of the door.
“Roxy, it’s me,” I said quietly. Expecting her to tell me to go away, I got ready to knock again, but to my surprise she came bursting out of the cubical. She threw her arms around me and buried her face into my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” was all that she mumbled for about a minute before she finally quietened down.
“It’s okay,” I replied, “I’m sorry too.”

When she eventually let go of me, she stepped back to reveal flushed and tear stained cheeks. My heart sank as I took in her appearance. She looked distraught and was sniffing uncontrollably.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” she sobbed. “I should have listened to you. You’re always right.”
“Don’t worry,” I soothed.
“But I never do,” she sniffed, “I’m just so stupid.”
“No you’re not,” I reassured her.
“So why am I the one who always gets it wrong?” she groaned, starting to shake from holding back more tears.
“You’re just a little naive sometimes,” I answered softly, placing a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.
Roxy nodded feebly and fell into my arms again. I patted her on the back and in no time at all she was crying again. When a group of year eight girls came into the toilets, the sight before them caused them to spin around and hurry out of the door. Good. We didn’t really need spectators.

After several moments of silence, Roxy had calmed down again, so I spoke.
“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” I asked, letting go of her and settling myself on the worktop between the bank of sinks.
“Okay,” Roxy said, perching next to me. “Well, when I came into school this morning, Blake was waiting for me outside our History classroom.”
I nodded and urged her to continue.
“He hugged me, but then he started to act all funny.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, desperate to know why she was so upset.
“He sort of acknowledged that I was there, but then he started to ignore me. He was fine at break although he didn’t really talk to me. At lunch though, he was sitting with his arm around me when all of a sudden he went into a massive rant, saying things like, ‘why were you avoiding me?’ and ‘do you actually like me or are you just using me.’”

I watched as she wiped another tear from her cheek with the sleeve of her jumper. My heart plunged to my feet.
“I hate to break it to you, but I think he’s the one that’s using you,” I said as kindly as I could. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but it needed to be said.
“I know that now,” Roxy continued, “I just told him that he was being stupid, but he wouldn’t listen.” Roxy’s face switched from troubled to angry in a split second. “Then that Nadia Carter from the year below walked past giving him the eye,” she spat.
“The one that goes out with a different boy each week?” I asked, although I knew exactly who she meant.
“Yeah, but without warning, Blake let go of me and stood up,” she said, sounding close to tears again. “I asked him what was going on, but he just mumbled the words ‘prettier’ and ‘more worth it,’ before he took off with that horrid cow.”
“Are you being serious?” I said, jumping down off of the counter and putting my hands on my hips.
“Yeah,” Roxy replied, fresh tears spilling down her mascara stained cheeks.
“That no good prat,” was all I managed to say, before I grabbed hold of Roxy’s sleeve and pulled her along behind me.
“What are you doing?” Roxy asked in-between tears as I tugged her out of the toilets and back into the cafeteria. The smell of pizza was overwhelming as I stormed through the crowded entrance to the lunch room.
“Sorting this out,” I replied, before coming to a halt in front of the lunch table where Blake was now sitting, Nadia giggling uncontrollably at his side. She had a strand of her bleached blonde hair twirled around her pinkie finger and a satisfied smirk was playing on her glossy lips.

I let go of Roxy and pushed through the mass of students standing aimlessly around the table. Ignoring the grunts and groans of annoyance, I stomped my way to Blake’s side. Reaching my destination, I poked him hard in the arm to get his attention. When Blake turned around to face me, I spoke.

“What do you think you’re playing at?” I questioned, drawing myself up to my full height in an attempt to look more intimidating. My heart was hammering against my ribs and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears.
“What?” Blake asked, looking around to see if he had missed something.
“Were you born a prat or do you practise being one?” I asked, trying to sound as serious as I could.
“I don’t have a clue what you’re on about,” was Blake’s response as he raised his eyebrows.
“Don’t play the fool,” I replied, raising my voice slightly which in turn caused the surrounding students to spin around in my direction.
“What am I supposed to have done?”
“Are you really that thick?” I enquired, feeling the anger pulsating through my body.
“Is this about Roxy?” Blake asked, smirking slightly.
“And what would make you think that?” I spat, sarcastically.
“So it isn’t?” Blake replied, looking genuinely confused. His dark eyebrows were almost at his hair line and his mouth was agape.
“Of course it is, jerk!” I shouted, clenching my fists.
“Wow, calm down Lily,” Blake said, moving back slightly, forcing Nadia to scoot along the bench to give him more room.
“No,” I replied, taking a step forward. “I will not let you take my best friend for a fool and get away with it.”

By this time, a crowd had gathered around the table, but that wasn’t going to put me off.
“I didn’t even do anything,” Blake protested.
“Bzzz, wrong answer!” I screeched, my heart feeling fit to explode. I’d never felt so angry in my life.
“Okay, okay,” Blake pleaded. “I’m sorry.”
“Not good enough,” I hissed. “You can’t just go around picking up and then dropping girls because you feel like it.”
Blake seemed to smile at this which, for me, was the final straw.

“Blake Edwards, you self centred, immature, arrogant, moron,” I seethed, picking up a bottle of water off of the table and throwing it over him, making sure that Nadia got a good soaking too. Nadia emitted a high pitched screech and Blake looked absolutely gob smacked. His eyes were wide and his mouth dropped open even further revealing crooked teeth. Eew!
“Don’t you ever think that you can treat one of my mates like dirt and get away with it.”
“Lily, you idiot!” Blake shouted as he stood up, causing the water to drip off of him and into a puddle on the floor.
“One more word and I’ll empty this tray over your head, too,” I fumed, feeling the adrenaline pumping through me.

With that, Blake and Nadia ran out of the cafeteria and into the direction of the toilets. I dropped the empty bottle back onto the table and swallowed in an attempt wet my now dry throat. My head span as it ran back over what had just happened.

All of a sudden, Roxy hurried towards me and before I could stop her, she’d engulfed me into a huge hug.
“You’re the best friend ever,” Roxy proclaimed, laughing.
Then the cafeteria, which had been in tentative silence, erupted into applause and cheers of approval. Roxy let go of me and I turned around to see every single person in the room clapping and cheering. Elliot was in fits of laughter and even the dinner ladies were clapping. I felt a sense of pride building up inside me as I saw people’s beaming faces and thumbs up of support. That was until I felt a vice like grip on my right shoulder. Immediately it sent the pride right down to my feet and propelled the room into another torrent of suspense filled silence. I hesitantly glanced down to see the left hand of a rather angry looking Head Master. Bugger.

Thanks for reading!
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Anna! :D Mia here as requested!

Grammatical mistakes/ nitpicks
I could only find two! :O I feel as if I've failed you as a reviewer. xD

Roxy nodded feebly and fell into my arms again. I patted her on the back and in no time at all she was crying again.

You used 'again' twice in these two setences and I think they're a bit too close to each other. Replace one of them with another word/phrase such as 'for the second time'.

“Were you born a prat or do you [s]practise [/s] practice being one?” I asked, trying to sound as serious as I could


Description
I like your descriptions, but I feel they are lacking something. Try give more important to describing scenery and emotions. Also, I think you have to show more. Show me how Roxy's feeling, I have to basically feel the same emotions, and then, I have to feel as angry as Lily is at Blake as she herself is. At the moment, that needs a tiny bit more work, but with a tiny bit more work on describing emotions and showing through dialogue/action etc, it would be awesome. :D

Characters
I like Lily's character, she's a great friend, and you gave hints that she's shy. Try elaborate more on this, and maybe make her character a bit more special by giving her a flaw or a quirk that makes her truly her. Like maybe give her a phobia or something, that would be great.

Plot
I'm really getting into this, I'm trying to figure out the story even though it has hardly started and we haven't gotten anywhere into it. All I know till now is she sometimes disagrees with her stepdad who is doing highly suspicious things, and that she has just properly talked to her neighbour for the first time. Please talk about thei relationship a bit more, I would like to see her really like him. :P

Overall
I. Want. To. Read. More. :P
Now. xD
And I want to know the story! I want to know what's going to happen next! I would love to read more, please post the other chapters. :) Also, I just wanted to tell you that I love your writing style, and I just think the descriptions need to be improved a teensy bit... That's all. :D
Keep up the amazing work Anna!
PM me if you need any other reviews or if you have any questions. :)
xxMiaxx
-mors aut honorabilis vita-


Forget the prince with a horse, I want a vampire with a volvo.




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Ahahaha. She threw water on his head. :lol:

It's brilliant. That's all I can say. :D

Next bit. Now :)
When the drums come in
And the keys get louder
Now we're building a collision of noise

~ The Broken Minor by Elliot Minor




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Hey! :D Thanks for the PM, I love this story!

As soon as I was inside, I could hear sobbing coming from one of the cubicles. Deciding on the one furthest from the door, I knocked.


I'd maybe say something about deciding that the sound was coming from the one furthest the door to show why she picked that one, like 'deciding that the sound was issuing from the one furthest from the door, I knocked on it.'

“I’m so sorry,” was all that she mumbled for about a minute before she finally quietened down.


I'd maybe add something like 'over and over' or 'repeatedly' after 'she mumbled' as at first I thought she had only said it once :)

Good. We didn’t really need spectators.


As this is her thought it might work better in present tense, so maybe 'don't' instead of 'didn't'.

After several moments of silence, Roxy had calmed down again, so I spoke.


As far as I can tell, she is still crying at this point so it wouldn't really be silent- I understand what you mean as there would be no talking but I think you could rephrase it a bit to make this clear. Perhaps, 'after several moments of just Roxy's weeping to fill the silence, she had calmed down again, so I spoke.' or just saying something about several moments of not talking or even describe the action more, like saying something about several moments of quiet comforting or something like that :)

‘do you actually like me or are you just using me.’”


As this is a question he asked her, I'd change the full stop to a question mark.

“Are you being serious?” I said,


As this is a question, I'd maybe said 'asked' instead of 'said'.

The smell of pizza was overwhelming as I stormed through the crowded entrance to the lunch room.


This seemed a bit random to me, I think mentioning the smell is a good way of setting the scene but maybe commenting on the sound or image would be more effective here in showing what the cafeteria was like :)

a satisfied smirk was playing on her glossy lips.


I'd maybe say 'along' instead of 'on' here but I think either work.

I replied, raising my voice slightly which in turn caused the surrounding students to spin around in my direction.


I think this sentence could maybe be phrased a bit better, perhaps separating it into two sentences so it doesn't read as awkwardly and rephrasing a bit of it. For instance- 'I replied, raising my voice slightly. The students surrounding me and Blake swiveled round at the sound to gape at the scene developing before them.'

Blake seemed to smile at this which, for me, was the final straw.


I'd maybe miss out 'seemed' to just say that he did smile a bit at this. Maybe something like 'Blake's mouth curved slightly into a small smile at this which, for me, was the final straw.'

picking up a bottle of water off of the table and throwing it over him,


I think this might read better without 'up'. I'd also maybe change 'picking' to something that more shows her anger, like 'grabbing' or 'snatching'.

Blake shouted as he stood up, causing the water to drip off of him and into a puddle on the floor.


I'd maybe rephrase the last part of this sentence to run a bit smoother without 'causing', maybe something like 'the water dripping off of him to form a puddle on the floor.'

and swallowed in an attempt wet my now dry throat. My head span as it ran back over what had just happened.


I think you need 'to' after 'attempt' and as you have quite recently said 'ran', I'd maybe change this one here, perhaps something like 'scanned' or 'replayed what had just happened' would work better :)

propelled the room into another torrent of suspense filled silence. I hesitantly glanced down to see the left hand of a rather angry looking Head Master.


I thought the description at the beginning here was really good but if I am being super picky I'm not sure if it worked well in describing silence as 'torrent' kind of seemed to me like more something you would use to describe a buzzing atmosphere or lots of activity whereas you are describing the opposite. It's just my opinion, but maybe something on a hushed silence falling on the room or cloaking the room or something to show a sudden halt in sound would be more effective. When you say about looking down to see his hand, she wouldn't know that it would be a very angry headmaster as she has only seen his hand so I'd maybe either stick to recognising the hand of the headmaster or saying she slowly brought her gaze up to his face.

Overall: I'm so glad this part is out! Woo go Lily! :D I thought it was a brilliant scene you described and I was really rooting for her :P

I thought you could add a bit more to when Blake and Nadia leave after the argument, the actual argument itself I thought was brilliantly described but when they are leaving it is very abrupt whereas some detail on expressions or how they leave and Lily's response to this would be good :) Although I think the argument is great as I have just said, there are quite a few questions going on. I know Blake is being made out to be a bit of an idiot and I think you have managed this really well, but I'd maybe alter a couple of the pieces of conversation so that they aren't a question. For instance when he gets confused you could just mention his expression and how it was clear he was confused without him replying or when Lily is standing up to him instead of asking him, once or twice she could just state it like 'I can't believe you actually are that thick.'

I did love this part and you are keeping the story interesting but not much of a plot is developing, this part seems a bit off course from the previous suspicions raised over her step dad. I'd try to keep the main plot developing and present in each part, if just in the background. Of course this might not be needed so much in an actual story and it could just be because of how things are published in stages on YWS :) I just felt that the main adventure to the story was getting a bit lost.

I like how you use thoughts to give more of an insight into Lily's mind but you could always add a couple more here, perhaps to show her shock at her friends problems or how angry she is or afterwards how shocked she is at her own actions.

I can't wait for the next part! As always, all my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped! :D *Star*
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