Ælëd

Ælëd the Foolish of the Téïne Anåil.

This story started as many do at midnight on a night of full moon. Ælëd was restless. She could not go to sleep. Her beautiful scaly wings lay on either side of her, hovering lightly over the surface of the cave floor. You might think that this would tire her but that was exactly what she wanted. Her lung-fire was rather high but not dangerously so and she did not understand why her eyes refused to close. Her long spike-ending tail thrashed the rocky surface nervously. Each vertebrate cracked in turn like the continuous rattle of falling dominoes, each pushing the next in order to cover up every inch of silence. The scales on her back and the fleece on her stomach ruffled in the wind, silver as moonlight, green as fresh pine and blue as a summer sky, shiny and somehow dry like tiles on a rooftop. As sharks do, she had several rows of teeth surrounding one pulpous black tongue. Her eyes were slits of fire and darkness, ever dancing tornadoes of life and death. Her fury belly lay on the rock of the cave cushioning her tired bones and her agitated spirit.

On this night, Ælëd could not sleep so she decided to leave for a night flight just as you or I would go for a nocturnal walk. She usually loved flying. But in her present temper, she envied Humans, for their two slight adaptable legs. She wanted to be one of them. The moon shone on the faraway patchwork of land. The chilling night wind was screaming in her ears. The cold made her especially aware of her aching muscles, relaying each other as she beat her wings. Her tail was curling and uncurling in a complicated dance giving her balance and direction. Her fierce head defied the wind to blow her off course. The whistling of the trees and the fragrance of wild flowers reached her from afar; but these, far from making her feel better aggravated her mood by their quaintness. All of a sudden she exhaled and a torrent of flame cascaded from her warm lips, burning lava illuminating the land and strongly contrasting with the pale beam of the silver orb. It burnt her throat like harsh brandy. The gold firelight crossed the sky in a lingering arc.

As the ball of fire approached the river, she saw a sight. This was her first mistake. The people of the Téïne Anåil have very weak eyesight. Their powers lay mostly in other senses. Distinguishable in the dark were human silhouettes of blue skin and tangled hair braided or dread-locked with seaweeds. This sight filled her with irritation, awe and finally with a sentiment so violent that it shook her whole body with magic, tingling up and down her spine like an electric shock. What she saw was wondrous. Gold and silver lights were mirroring each other on the creatures’ blue bodies. As for the human-beasts, the waves were their clothing, thin slices of foam were lace trimmings. Matted tangles of their own hair served as cloaks. Their thin shapes silhouetted the light in darkness. In their faces lay a look of great happiness as their lips broke the surface of the water and they breathed the bitter night air.

Ælëd blew again and a second ball of air ignited just as the previous went out. This time the small stench of bile accompanying it like when you are about to be sick. She stayed, enhanced by what she saw, forgetting everything she knew. A faint muttering reached her ears. She squinted and lost balance in surprise. She thought she had heard…But...No. It was impossible, how could these creatures know her name? They had been calling her. Bewildered, it took her a few minutes to rebalance and regain concentration.

This time she reached out with her nose but to her surprise she smelt nothing apart from the aroma of fresh pine and the awkward slippery flavour of the roaring water. She reached out further into the air, nostrils flaring. As she did so, a deep reek reached her. The normal Ælëd would have taken heed of her nose and fled. But this was not her normal, cautious self; this was one trying to be human. She thought that if she acted like a human, she might become one, and if she became a human, she might be able to sleep. As you see she wasn’t exactly very bright. So she ignored the ghastly stench under the wonder of what she saw.

Enchanted by sight and by ear she flew down to the river’s edge and landed softly, padded paws alighting silently in the green grass. But as soon as she looked up to meet the eyes of the strange creatures, she found nothing there. She had trusted her eyes and her ears instead of her true senses; She had humanised herself into foolishness. And then she was ashamed. Roaring to leave her throat saw she set fire to the bush were she lay, this time bile joining the flames, turning them blue. As she saw the land burn, she took pleasure in it. The calm, loving Ælëd had been turned into a murderess. But one last impulse of her old self told her she had no right to inflict her folly on others. So, in anger and hopelessness she flew away and was never seen again. So was the story of Ælëd the Foolish of the Téïne Anåil who is now remembered among the stars.

Heya! This is nice! And not the "nice" which is bland and boring, the "nice" where you say "niiiiiiicce!!" and draw it out, like "aaaahohaawweeesome"!! I loved it! The atmosphere and tone were both perfect; would not change a thing. Absolutely loved the writing, the story and the bittersweet ending. Slightly strange, sudden ending after all that buildup, but good nonetheless. I loved your description - which was very clear and well thought-out - and the imagination there. I also love dragons, so that helped!
Now I'm going to be pinickity with grammar and punctuation, a) because I want to help you make this even better, and b) because I finally worked out how to quote from the text and want to practise .

You might think that this would tire her but that was exactly what she wanted.

You may want a comma after "her", but you may not. You don't technically need one before a but, but (haha) I think this sentence may benefit from one.

Each vertebrate cracked in turn like the continuous rattle of falling dominoes, each pushing the next in order to cover up every inch of silence.

I think you mean "vertebra", because a vertebrate is an animal with a backbone.

But in her present temper, she envied Humans, for their two slight adaptable legs.

Possibly change this to: But in her present temper she envied humans, for their two, slight, adaptable legs.

Apart from that, it's an adorable little story! Just one last thing: how do you pronounce the names?? Lol PM me with pronunciations - I really want to know!

Okay then, let's see. I'll admit I'm not used to short stories at all. Whenever I read something like this I instinctively assume it's the first chapter of something, so the way it ended kind of confused me at first, but that's all my own problem. As for the story itself, I liked how you used very descriptive language for it. The first time you got really informal and directly addressed the reader threw me off, but as I kept going I started to realize it was written as if, say, one of those old storyteller characters in a fantasy story were telling it. In the end I liked it.

The only real problems I saw aside from a few grammar errors was that you started a few sentences in a row with "Her..." or other words leading to repetition that kills the flow, so I would find all the instances of that and rewrite them to make them smoother, so the reader doesn't trip up. Otherwise it was good. I was totally able to see everything in my mind as I read it, so good job.

Hello,

I don't know how to read her name. Neither the clan name, or - I don't know. I just don't. It looks pretty, yes, but there's a blank spot in my mind whenever it pops up.

That said, the description of the story is very, very nice, and serves as a strong basis. All the way through, I had a good visual of what is happening. I could imagine the main char without any problems, as the situation in which she was in.

On the other hand, set against a finished story of a relatively short length - I'd chop off some of the initial description in the first paragraph. Not because it is boring, but because there's so much, compared to the overall length of everything else. Beautiful, yes, but is it really, really necessary? The description itself - yes. But so much? No.

Style. Style was good also, legend-like, lore-like, though I’d live without the “you”. I just don’t like it. Always makes me think: contemporary, and even then I dislike it.



Esme

hah, thanks to all for the reviews.
Apparently the names are problematic, they're a mixture of welsh and old English. I pronounce them as they're written, the "Ae" like Aeneus, the "ë" is just a long drawn out "e", Téïne has to be pronounced the French way, with the "é" and "i" as seperate vowel sounds, and the "å" in Anåil is a long drawn out "a" with a turn as it turns into a "åil".
I feel like i'm doing a bad job at this, i wonder if i could record the pronunciation and post it or something..