I Saw the Red

The red.
The gold.
The orange.

Colors of the flaming goddess above them.

From the distance: people screaming. Their blistered lips peeling away, their bloodshot eyes searching frantically, desperately. Their children scuttled behind them, drained of color. The goddess trailed them, burned their skin, consumed their exhausted flesh.

She was ravenous. She indulged herself in their abandoned souls.

I saw the red.

I saw the gold swallow a wailing baby out of the hands of its mother.

The orange devoured the mother too.

I smelled their screams in the air.
Panic and hysteria.
They knew it.
They knew they were damned.

I liked to watch them scatter around their homes like madmen, racing against their lives. They were idiotic to try and pack their clothing, homes and sanity into what little they could carry. I laughed when the goddess met them outside of their houses. She made them wilt like a flower, useless and dead.

I used to feel guilty when I watched these kinds of things. Like when you watch women undress from your attic window, or when you are caught cheating.

Guilt rots in hell with these things burning on the ground, withering, trembling.

Dying.

I don’t like that word. Even though I use it, I don’t like it. There’s something about the darkness that surrounds those letters, those sounds, which make it seem formidable. Even before all this, before I was, I avoided using that word at all costs.

Now it comes with the job description.

Don’t get me wrong: I like to kill them. It’s the only form of entertainment I get.

I just don’t like watching them.

When they’re dead, it’s a whole other ball game. Then I can play with them. I can touch their bodies, and I can use them.

I used to.

I used to before all this.

I also used to kill because I had to. Now I kill because I want to.

Like I said, it comes with the job description. And it grows on you, like a cancer eating away at your body. Leaving you with nothing; not even your soul.

I don’t have a soul.

I used to.

I also used to love.

But those days are long passed, and now I love to kill. The goddess is always there for me. And when she is sleeping in the evening, I pray for her guidance to show me the right pathway to choose. The next morning, she rises and guides me: an answer to my prayers.

She reminds me of someone I used to know.

Before all this. Before I used to kill because I wanted to.

--

The screams are gone now. The goddess’ belly is full, and she returns to her rightful place in the sky. I step out from behind the trees and begin making my way towards the city of the damned.


****

I like this. I think, if I wanted to, I could expand on this and make it a bit more. Right now, it's more of just "get in the mood of writing" piece. But I posted it because I though it had some potential.

-Jared

This definitely has a lot of potential, and I enjoyed reading, especially how you describe the goddess. :3 You just need to smooth out a couple wrinkles.

For instance, the overall flow and rhythm could use some working on. When you first started out, you used short, choppy sentences (which I actually enjoyed), but then, just as I was happily settled into the rhythm of the brief and simple sentences, you hit me with some long, complex sentences and a tense shift (Their children were scuttling behind them). In addition, the introspective bit seemed to come out of nowhere. Introducing elements of it from near the beginning would help make the transition from observation to introspection smoother.

Other than those general items, this was the only thing that caught my eye:

She wilted like a flower, useless and dead.

Is the goddess wilting, or is she making the people wilt?

If you do expand on this, I would love to read it.

Hi Jared! Wow, I really liked this piece!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

They were idiotic to try and pack their clothing, homes and sanity into what little they could carry.<---I love this line.

She wilted like a flower, useless and dead. <---She, as in, the goddess? I don't picture the goddess being useless and dead, because you've given us the image of her being strong, powerful, and mighty. This part confused me a bit.

Language Usage & Writing Style: This was choppy, in a way, but you made it work very well. It was choppy in the sense that it didn't drone on and on, and it kept up a nice flow.
Not much else to say about this department, Bear!


Imagery & Emotion: Your imagery was great. Having said that, I'd like to read more about things that would help me get myself even more into the piece. "What did it smell like?"- I guessed the goddess was a sort of fire-person-thing, but I could be wrong. "What did it feel like?"- was it windy, or did heat beat down on him? "Can he not feel or taste or smell at all?"- that could be a possibility, and, if so, go into more of what it's like.
As for emotion, I found him a fairly emotionless character. That worked well for you. Why don't you have him go into a bit more detail as to what the people's faces look like? Could he see one person up close, who was crying? Were their faces just blurs? Use some facial expressions, if possible, to express the emotions of other characters.


Characters: The one thing I'd like to mention to you here is the MC and the goddess's relationship. If you expand this, it could be mentioned later, but I'd like to know if the goddess even knows of his existence, if she's his boss, etc., etc. Do they ever talk to each other? Defining their relationship would really improve this for me.


Overall: Overall, I really, really liked this, Jared! Truth be told, I had a bit of a hard time giving you any critique at all, and not just praises. I'd love to see more of this, if you choose to write it.

Revise just a bit, and it will be amazing!

*Gold star*


Love,
Music

Hello there!

This was a relatively short piece--and a very good one, at that--so I'm afraid my critique won't be that great. There's not very much more I can add that's not repeating what the above two posters have said, but I'll try. I must warn you, though, that I'll probably repeat a lot of what's already been said.

I really like the rhythm you've created with this piece. And, as you've been told twice now, it could flow better, as some parts are somewhat choppy.

Onto the quotes...

Their blistered lips peeling away, and their bloodshot eyes searching frantically, desperately.

I think it could do without the "and" there.

Their blistered lips peeling away, and their bloodshot eyes searching frantically, desperately. Their children scuttled behind them, drained of color.

The transition between these two sentences is rather awkward; I think it would work better as: "Their children scuttling behind them, drained of color." That way the structure of the two sentences is similar. It flows better.

They were idiotic to try and pack their clothing, homes and sanity into what little they could carry.

Good line, but "they were idiotic" just seems rather out of place, especially with the style of this piece.

She made them wilt like a flower, useless and dead.

You can't exactly make a "them" wilt like a flower.

Like when you watch women undress from your attic window

Also seems out of place. Try "Like watching women undress from your attic window".

I don’t like that word. Even though I use it, I don’t like it.

This seems awkward after just "Dying." Perhaps shortening that first sentence would work, or adding another shorter one there.

And it grows on you, like a cancer, eating away at your body, leaving you with nothing, not even your soul.

Could do without the "And".

I also used to love.

Perhaps just: "I used to love."

But those days are long passed

Have long passed (?)


All righty then! Overall, a good piece, great description. Very... poetic. Just smooth it out. And I'm sorry if my advice above is of little or no help. I'm not that great with flow . Also, to repeat a few more things already said, this could use a touch more personality in terms of your narrator. And also things like, what exactly he is talking about, where this takes place, who this goddess is. Unless I've missed something...

Nice work!
-Alex

Hey Jared! You always complain about not writing, but whenever you do write, I love it! Good job, dear!

Now here we go, darlin.

I saw the red.
The red.
The gold.
The orange.

To me, I don't see a point in repeating the red. You already said red, so just continue on to gold.
>.<
What I'm trying to say, is that I think it would sound and look better if you took out the The red. part.

They were idiotic to try and pack their clothing, homes and sanity into what little they could carry.

I was a bit confused on this part, darlin. It's as if you were saying, if they did this, it would be idiotic. But I'm pretty sure that isn't what you mean.

I thought you meant to say that they are actually doing that and they are idiotic for trying to do that.
Maybe try and clear up that sentence so that it clearly says that.

I just don’t like watching them right here.

Since this was a little confusing at first, why not put die where the right here is. It would help clear up the sentence.

And if I totally read that wrong and that's not what you mean, ignore putting die in. It is a bit confusing.

I used to.

I used to before all this.

I'm kinda confused with this part, dear. Is the MC saying that he used to like watching people die? Or what is he saying?

I'm not sure, but I would love for you to help clear that up. It's not so smooth because the reader has to stop and think, "Hey, what is he used to be?" It breaks the flow.


<< Random smilie

And it grows on you, like a cancer, eating away at your body, leaving you with nothing, Like here! not even your soul.

It seems like there are too many commas in that sentence. Remember -- Commas are your friends. At least, that's how I think it goes. You were the one who taught me that saying, but I'm not sure.

As I was saying, there are a lot of commas in there. Why not put a semi-colon or two in there. It helps break up the sentence more and it doesn't look like it's full of commas.

See the Like Here? That's a good place to put a semi-colon.

Just a suggestion.



Jared, this was amazing. And don't let those things that I pointed out above bring you down. This was your first time writing in a while, and I enjoyed reading it a lot. And since it is the first time you have written in a while, it's okay to have those few confusion mistakes. At least you are writing.


I'm very curious with this whole piece, and I want you to expand this. Who exactly is the goddess? I am very very curious and I want to read more.


Like music said before, you imagery for this piece was amazing. I could see exactly what was going on in the story. I could see the people scuttling around. I could see the MC playing gruesomely with the dead bodies. Good job with that!


This was great, Jared. Truly. I want you to keep writing with this. It's great, darlin.

*Cat
or
*Lin

Hi! I liked your piece. Is the narrator the Grim Reaper?

Anyway, on to the review!

I saw the red.
The red.

Repetitive. It kind of destroys the mood.

The goddess was trailing them, burning their skin, consuming their exhausted flesh.

The goddess trailed them... would be better because it's in active voice. Passive voice tends to kill action.

I saw the gold swallow a wailing baby out of the hands of its mother. The orange devoured the mother too

Just a personal thing, but I'd like it better if "the orange..." was in another line. Nothing wrong with it though.

They knew they were already damned.

"Already" slows the amazing momentum you've built. Try taking it out.

The goddess’s belly is full

I think it should be goddess'. Rule of thumb - if it's a common noun that ends with s/z, then it's only an apostrophe - no more s.

Aside from those tiny nitpicks, I'd love to see this developed into a whole story. It's awesome. XD

Again, great job!

Wow. I agree that this has potential. I'd say loads of it. I was intrigued and drawn into it. It leaves the reader thinking about what will happen next, what's happening now, and who the characters are. I think the wording was really good. The way it is formatted is awesome. It brings a lot of power to the piece. I don't see anything that I would change. I really enjoyed reading this.

Hi! Remember me?

Your writing just keeps getting better and better. This piece is amazing. It pulled me along at breakneck speed, so when I reached the end it was all I could do to stay in my chair. ("WHAT? It's OVER?") Anyway, here's what I like: very short paragraphs, sort of thriller style, you know? It flowed and surged forward at the same time. Also, fantastic concrete detail. Very emotional.

Onto the nitpicks (ominous music): I agree with everyone that your first line can go. Just start with "The red." Also, the narration is a little choppy. First it sounds like a Greek poet recounting some tragedy, but then it's like a troubled college student, e.g.:

Greek poet person:

She was ravenous. She indulged herself in their abandoned souls.

Troubled college person:

I used to feel guilty when I watched these kinds of things. Like when you watch women undress from your attic window, or when you are caught cheating

See? It's a little confusing for the reader. But perhaps this is intentional. I got the feeling that your narrator is slightly psychotic (meant in a good way, of course). If so, really play it up. Then it's okay to be weird and patchwork-ish with your prose.

That's about it. Potential: Yes, definitely. What can I say? You're just a talented person!

BigBadBear wrote:Guilt rots in hell with these things burning on the ground, < Guilt rots in hell- what do you mean by that?

Amazing..
I couldn't find anything wrong with it actually - though I didn't understand the phrase "guilt rots in hell"
when i finished reading it I thought "wow."

keep writing stuff like this - they're great - when you get in the mood again.

what is the goddess? The way you describe her made me think of fire. Am I right?

Hey Jare!

Met to take a look at this a while ago, but I'm glad I decided to read it today. I liked it and really enjoyed it, mainly because the MC has a strong voice and the idea was unique and it was perfectly executed. Though I have to say that it was kinda rocky in the middle. Though I understand why you would want to repeat the MC's views on killing, it really takes away from the potency of the story.

Overall, I really liked it and if you do, decide to post more, please PM me!

~Angel