Closed :)

I've decided against seeking advice, thanks anyway. : D

Title Edited

Mod: Please do not use excessive characters and characters other than numbers and letters in your titles.

springrain wrote:Title Edited

Mod: Please do not use excessive characters and characters other than numbers and letters in your titles.

*dies*

I've never seen that rule before. I'm really sorry.

There isn't a way I could delete the entire topic, is there?
I would like to just remove the text, but then it would be considered spam. t_t

Hi Sura! ^_^ I saw this, and I figured I'll drop by and review it.

Seven hours later, just after one in the morning, Mel checked to see that everything was packed and then crept down the stairs.

It sounds weird putting seven hours later, and then just after one. Just take out one of them, and it will sound fine.

When the bus driver ended his shift and instructed the other two passengers (who had been riding the circuit) to leave, for whatever reason, he took care not to wake Mel.

Usually, if a piece is prose and is not like a journal entry, we don't use parenthesis. It kinda ruins how it looks like.

She muttered something inaudible when she saw Mel, and Mel took it as a warming and sat in the very first seat.

Do you see the underlined part? Instead of putting Mel twice (because it sounds really weird) just put a pronoun in it's place.

A few seats ahead there was a woman wearing a ragged, stained poncho itching a rash on her arms.

You can't itch something. Your arm can itch, but you can't itch it. You have to scratch it.
Just thought I'll point that out, hon.

Okay!!

So, I'm kinda curious about this. Why is Mel going to this school? Who is Echo, and why is she being so friendly?

I'm just really curious about this whole piece. I want to know more! ^^

I'm not sure about the title, since we still don't know much about the story.

Good job, darlin!

*Lin

Lin910 wrote:Hi Sura! ^_^ I saw this, and I figured I'll drop by and review it.

Seven hours later, just after one in the morning, Mel checked to see that everything was packed and then crept down the stairs.

It sounds weird putting seven hours later, and then just after one. Just take out one of them, and it will sound fine.

When the bus driver ended his shift and instructed the other two passengers (who had been riding the circuit) to leave, for whatever reason, he took care not to wake Mel.

Usually, if a piece is prose and is not like a journal entry, we don't use parenthesis. It kinda ruins how it looks like.

She muttered something inaudible when she saw Mel, and Mel took it as a warming and sat in the very first seat.

Do you see the underlined part? Instead of putting Mel twice (because it sounds really weird) just put a pronoun in it's place.

A few seats ahead there was a woman wearing a ragged, stained poncho itching a rash on her arms.

You can't itch something. Your arm can itch, but you can't itch it. You have to scratch it.
Just thought I'll point that out, hon.

Okay!!

So, I'm kinda curious about this. Why is Mel going to this school? Who is Echo, and why is she being so friendly?

I'm just really curious about this whole piece. I want to know more! ^^

I'm not sure about the title, since we still don't know much about the story.

Good job, darlin!

*Lin

Thanks! ^w^
Yeah, the itching thing bothered me too. xD
The Mel/Mel part is an issue because there is already another 'she'. D;

Thanks so much though! The review means a lot. :3

Locked.