"We Are All Together."

It's a bit strange, I've realized this but Kat told me it'd be a good idea so here we go!

“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” The blond haired girl stated as she walked on by me, smirking. I couldn’t help but to chuckle at the mystic tone she portrayed in her voice every time she passed by me. Her name was Delilah and she was the most animated girl I had ever met. It was something in the way she moved, the way she smiled and the way she took things. The way her mind processed made my mind wonder. It was like a word puzzle that wasn’t only jumbled, but in a different language as well. All I wanted was a Google translation and then the answer key.

“Yo Chase, are you even listening to me?” My friend, Saul, asked as he picked up his backpack from off the steps in the school’s atrium. I shook my head and looked over at him.

“What?” I asked, scratching some of my wavy-curled hair that didn’t go to far down my forehead.

“Ah, never mind, it’s straight.” Saul shrugged, pulling the hood of his overly sized zip-up over his buzzed blond hair. Saul couldn’t really care about anything, so it didn’t exactly bother him when I didn’t pay attention to his idiotic stories. “Anyways, what did you do this weekend?”

“Uh, nothing yo.” I held the waist band of my pants as they started to fall down from climbing the stairs to the third floor. “I just sat on my ass, basically. What about you?”

“Yo, I just told you. You really were spacing out, weren’t you? I know you ain’t smoking ‘cuz your eyes are straight and you’re not geekin’.” Saul chuckled as we turned into the chemistry hallways. The smell of mixing chemicals and powders filled our noses and my face turned into total dismay.

“Yeah, man, I ain’t jacked up. I just got lost in my own damn mind.” I teased in a quirky voice as we entered our chemistry lab. Saul laughed and then slowly made his way over to his lab table. I did the same but when I sat down at the four seated table, I realized that my partner was absent. I sighed and rested my head down on the cool, black surface. I was tired and today I didn’t have my smart, freshman partner to do my work for me. The bell rang and my head remained on the table. I let my eyes travel around the room until I saw Delilah sitting in her seat a few tables away.

She had on jean shorts that were torn at the bottom. She had clogs on that she was flopping against her heal and she always wore a peace anklet. Her honey blond hair went down her back but brushed her shoulders in the front. Her bangs were pinned back to show off her clear, beautiful face. She had on a strapless shirt and a big peace medallion hanging from her neck. Her skin glowed with a tan and her eyes were lightly coated in makeup. Her straight, white teeth shimmered and I just wanted to talk to her.

“Pst, girl!” I yelled aloud, smiling. She looked over her shoulder. “Get your ass over here!” Delilah, still smiling, rolled her eyes before grabbing her moccasin shoulder bag with fringes and walked over.

“Yes?” She asked in a deep, joking voice. She sat on the stool in front of me and plopped her bag on the table. I raised my head and laid it in my hand.

“What’s goin’ on?” I winked, smiling big. Delilah laughed and looked out the window next to us before responding.

“You say ‘Hi’, I say ‘No’, you say ‘why?’, I say ‘I don’t know’.” Delilah sang out again, only reversing the words of ‘you’ and ‘I’. She picked up her bag with a peace sign on the front made out of wholes and flung it on her bare, bronze shoulder. She smiled her pearly whites at me before heading back over to her table. I was yet again left in confusion as to why the girl did not want to talk to me. I heard laughing behind me and when I turned, Saul was laughing at my rejection.


Out in the halls, I walked slowly and lazily. All I wanted to do was skip English and sleep. I walked into my teachers room and rounded my way through the desks to the back. This period was my worst one, no one was really my friend here. Just people I’ve known since elementary school and really cute girls. All of which I’ve dated except one, Delilah.

“Yo, Delilah.” I hit her shoulder with my pencil as she sat down in front of me. Delilah set her bag up against her desk and turned around.

“It’s good to know you know my name. I was beginning to think you only knew me as ’girl’.” She laughed.

“Nawh, gir-” I cut myself off and then started to laugh. “So anyways, I was wondering. Would I be able to have an actual conversation with you that doesn’t require your answers in the form of lyrics?” I played with the zero gage spiral earring in my left ear.

“Oh, look at all these lonely people.” She winked, “There has to be someone other than me you can converse with, yes? Why am I so important? As I said before, I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. Think about it.” She turned around and crossed her legs in her seat before beginning on the assignment passed out on our desks.

I was still starring at her when she got up to turn her paper in, then turned around and laughed at me. I shook my head, lowered my lazy eyes and ran my hand down my brown hair. I laid my head on my desk and started the assignment when a long, manicured finger taped my forearm. I looked up and Delilah was smiling at me, yet again.

“Yes?” I mocked her from first period and she looked down and then up at me again.

“I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand.” I smirked at her as she reached for my hand and then leaned forward and pecked me on the lips. “You‘ll understand one day.” She breathed onto my lips, opened her eyes and the turned around in her seat.


The next day Delilah wasn’t there. Along with the day after, and the day after that. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Finally, two months later I heard that Delilah had moved. Her parents were in the peace core and she was following them around the world. She was now in England and I would probably never hear from her again. That’s when I finally understood, she didn’t want to get close to me because of her moving but she did like me. I smiled to myself that night and when I went to check my mail online, I had one unread message from someone.


“I believe in yesterday.


Sincerely,
Delilah.”

Great story, I like the character. Very interesting.

da

y tripper wrote:
“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”

Intriguing start!

The blond haired girl stated as she walked on by me, smirking.

Not sure about blond haired here. It seems a bit out of place, information that could be better mentioned later (or perhaps not at all, as the story seems to focus on her personality). I like the use of the word stated here, it seems ironic, in a good way.

I couldn’t help but to chuckle at the mystic tone she portrayed in her voice every time she passed by me.

I don't know if the part about "she passed by me" is necessary; it's kind of a repeat of the previous sentence, and makes this sentence a large collection of short phrases. Also, not sure if the "to" is necessary before chuckle.

Her name was Delilah and she was the most animated girl I had ever met. It was something in the way she moved, the way she smiled and the way she took things.

I like this part. It's a good description.

The way her mind processed made my mind wonder.

This creates a great connection between the characters, the fact that he's wondering about her shows he likes her.

It was like a word puzzle that wasn’t only jumbled, but in a different language as well. All I wanted was a Google translation and then the answer key.

This description is fantastic! I also like the Google part; it gives an impression of the time setting (modern day). Not sure about "and then the answer key" though -- the part about a Google translation is so strong it may be better to leave it as a standalone comment.

“Yo Chase, are you even listening to me?” My friend, Saul, asked as he picked up his backpack from off the steps in the school’s atrium. I shook my head and looked over at him.

I think the sentence after the dialogue here, "My friend...atrium" is too long. Perhaps just "My friend...picked up his backpack".

“What?” I asked, scratching some of my wavy-curled hair that didn’t go to far down my forehead.

I don't know about the long description of his hair. Perhaps "curly hair" would be better. To me, "curled" implies artificially curled (unless that's what it is), wavy and curled are too different things, and the part about the length is unnecessary.

“Ah, never mind, it’s straight.” Saul shrugged, pulling the hood of his overly sized zip-up over his buzzed blond hair.

Again, the description might be a bit long here, but the dialogue is good. I like the consistency in Saul's dialogue throughout, showing his personality.

Saul couldn’t really care about anything, so it didn’t exactly bother him when I didn’t pay attention to his idiotic stories. “Anyways, what did you do this weekend?”

"Sam couldn't really care" should probably be "Sam didn't really care", I think. I like the "exactly" in that sentence, as well as "anyways" in the dialogue. The dialogue continues to be good.

“Uh, nothing yo.” I held the waist band of my pants as they started to fall down from climbing the stairs to the third floor. “I just sat on my ass, basically. What about you?”

Perhaps "yo" is unnecessary here. I don't know about the "I held the waistband...third floor" part, it seems long to describe climbing stairs.

“Yo, I just told you. You really were spacing out, weren’t you? I know you ain’t smoking ‘cuz your eyes are straight and you’re not geekin’.” Saul chuckled as we turned into the chemistry hallways. The smell of mixing chemicals and powders filled our noses and my face turned into total dismay.

I like this dialogue again. Why is his face turning into total dismay, though?

“Yeah, man, I ain’t jacked up. I just got lost in my own damn mind.” I teased in a quirky voice as we entered our chemistry lab. Saul laughed and then slowly made his way over to his lab table. I did the same but when I sat down at the four seated table, I realized that my partner was absent. I sighed and rested my head down on the cool, black surface.

Again, dialogue is great, but the description after it seems long winded. "I did the same...cool, black surface." could be replaced with: "I realised my partner was absent. I sighed and rested my head on the cool, black table." The fact that he's walked to his desk becomes obvious if he's got his head on it.

I was tired and today I didn’t have my smart, freshman partner to do my work for me.

This is good characterisation of the main character, as having other people do his work for him. Not sure if there needs to be a comma after smart.

The bell rang and my head remained on the table. I let my eyes travel around the room until I saw Delilah sitting in her seat a few tables away.

She had on jean shorts that were torn at the bottom. She had clogs on that she was flopping against her heal and she always wore a peace anklet.

I like the way the character is being set up as peace-loving here. "Heal" should be "heel", and perhaps "she always wore a peace anklet" could be "the peace anklet she always wore" (the sentence might have to be shuffled a bit to fit this). Or even "She had clogs on that she was flopping against the peace anklet she always wore.

Her honey blond hair went down her back but brushed her shoulders in the front. Her bangs were pinned back to show off her clear, beautiful face. She had on a strapless shirt and a big peace medallion hanging from her neck. Her skin glowed with a tan and her eyes were lightly coated in makeup. Her straight, white teeth shimmered and I just wanted to talk to her.

Good description, not too long. Here is the description of her blond hair, this is probably a better place than in the first paragraph. With "I just wanted to talk to her", are you trying to express desperation to speak to her, or a strong desire to speak to her. "I just wanted to talk to her" comes across as desperate to me (which fits with future interactions between the characters -- MC wants to get Delilah's attention).

“Pst, girl!” I yelled aloud, smiling. She looked over her shoulder. “Get your ass over here!” Delilah, still smiling, rolled her eyes before grabbing her moccasin shoulder bag with fringes and walked over.

Good, not sure about, "Pst...I yelled". "with fringes" could probably be removed as it lengthens the description of a relatively minor object. Also, a line break might be needed between "over her shoulder" and Delilah's line of dialogue.

“Yes?” She asked in a deep, joking voice. She sat on the stool in front of me and plopped her bag on the table. I raised my head and laid it in my hand.

“What’s goin’ on?” I winked, smiling big. Delilah laughed and looked out the window next to us before responding.

As I said before, excellent characterisation through voice, "smiling big" is great here. Not sure if you need to specify that the window is "next to us", although "us" does create a connection between the characters.

“You say ‘Hi’, I say ‘No’, you say ‘why?’, I say ‘I don’t know’.” Delilah sang out again, only reversing the words of ‘you’ and ‘I’. She picked up her bag with a peace sign on the front made out of wholes and flung it on her bare, bronze shoulder.

The part about "Delilah sang out...reversing the words of 'you' and 'I' confuses me. I think perhaps it would be better to write out this dialogue. "Wholes" should be "holes".

She smiled her pearly whites at me before heading back over to her table. I was yet again left in confusion as to why the girl did not want to talk to me. I heard laughing behind me and when I turned, Saul was laughing at my rejection.

"Pearly whites" may be a cliche, also, not sure if "smiled her pearly whites" makes sense, as it means "smiled her teeth". Perhaps just "smiled at me" would be better. I like "laughing at me rejection", but there's a repeat of the word "laughing" in this sentence. Perhaps the first could be replaced with "snickering" or a similar word.

Out in the halls, I walked slowly and lazily. All I wanted to do was skip English and sleep. I walked into my teachers room and rounded my way through the desks to the back. This period was my worst one, no one was really my friend here. Just people I’ve known since elementary school and really cute girls. All of which I’ve dated except one, Delilah.

I think "All I wanted to do" could be replaced with "I just wanted" or even "I wanted" as it might strengthen the sentence. "This period was my worst one" could be eliminated to leave "No one was really my friend here", to strengthen the second part of the sentence. The end of the paragraph is good.

“Yo, Delilah.” I hit her shoulder with my pencil as she sat down in front of me. Delilah set her bag up against her desk and turned around.

“It’s good to know you know my name. I was beginning to think you only knew me as ’girl’.” She laughed.

I like this part. Perhaps "set her bag up against her desk" could be reworded. Is it implying she delayed looking at him (out of shyness, perhaps)?

“Nawh, gir-” I cut myself off and then started to laugh. “So anyways, I was wondering. Would I be able to have an actual conversation with you that doesn’t require your answers in the form of lyrics?” I played with the zero gage [should be gauge spiral earring in my left ear.

I like the dialogue here, again, your dialogue is fantastic. "Zero gauge spiral earring in my left ear" is a little much description of an object of relatively little important. Although, I understand some girl/boy scenes require this to create a realistic feeling of awkwardness between the characters, so may be appropriate.

“Oh, look at all these lonely people.” She winked, “There has to be someone other than me you can converse with, yes? Why am I so important? As I said before, I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. Think about it.” She turned around and crossed her legs in her seat before beginning on the assignment passed out on our desks.

Great dialogue again, I love Delilah's character. I think "passed out on our desks" sounds a little strange, especially as "assignment" is singular but "desks" is not. Perhaps something like "reading the assignment sheet that had just arrived on her desk" would flow better.

I was still starring [should be staring] at her when she got up to turn her paper in, then turned around and laughed at me. I shook my head, lowered my lazy eyes and ran my hand down my brown hair. I laid my head on my desk and started the assignment when a long, manicured finger taped [tapped] my forearm. I looked up and Delilah was smiling at me, yet again.

Slight repeat with "turn her paper in", "turned around". I think "through my hair" might work better.

“Yes?” I mocked her from first period and she looked down and then up at me again.

"I mocked her from first period" is a little strange. I understand what you're saying, and it's good, but it might need to be explained better. For example, "I mocked the tone she had used in first period."

“I want to hold your hand, I want to hold your hand.” I smirked at her as she reached for my hand and then leaned forward and pecked me on the lips. “You‘ll understand one day.” She breathed onto my lips, opened her eyes and the turned around in her seat.

Very mysterious. I think it would be more dramatic if she "turned back" or "turned away" though.

The next day Delilah wasn’t there.

Dramatic fantastic. But perhaps "was gone" or "wasn't at school" would be better than "there".

Along with the day after, and the day after that.

I like this description of time passing very much.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.

The previous description of time passing is actually so good I'd discard this entire sentence. It's not as original as the first, and I think skipping straight from days passing (in the previous sentence) to "two months" in the next has far more impact. It implies he was counting the days... for two months.

Finally, two months later I heard that Delilah had moved. Her parents were in the peace core [it's spelt corps but pronounced "core"] and she was following them around the world.

I love the way this ties in with Delilah's clothing and peace motifs on everything.

She was now in England and I would probably never hear from her again. That’s when I finally understood, she didn’t want to get close to me because of her moving but she did like me.

I think "That's when...she did like me." is unnecessary. Perhaps just "Then I understood" or something similar. You have shown Delilah's motives well in the course of the story, so you don't have to explain it.

I smiled to myself that night and when I went to check my mail online, I had one unread message from someone.

I think "mail online" would sound better as "email". Needs to be a full stop or a semi-colon instead of the comma there. "From someone" sounds a little weird, as all emails are from someone (except for automessages and such, but that's not important).

“I believe in yesterday.


Sincerely,
Delilah.”

Great, strong ending. I think this ending is good as it doesn't mention his reaction, and so leaves the reader to react. Perhaps "sincerely" is a little too formal, if it's meant to be friendly, I'd drop that and just have "Delilah". The fact that the last word is Delilah gives it a strong feeling, as well as a "circle" feeling, in that the story starts and ends with a line of Delilah's dialogue/writing.

Overall, great story! The characters are strong, I think having just three characters gives it a personal feel.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll get working on those corrections as soon as possible.